So, I’m in the elevator the other day and this guy gets on wearing a winter jacket that seemed vaguely European. There was a middle-aged woman with a poodle next to us and when he saw the dog, he gave it this super gay wave that was all, “Hi!”
It was the same wave you’d give a kid in a stroller if it was staring at you. I totally get that kind of wave. You’re saying to the kid, “Hey buddy, don’t be scared. I’m a friendly guy and I hope you have a nice day.” Kids tend to be wary of the unknown and it’s good to assuage their fears.
That’s not the case with dogs. They don’t do “waving.” That’s why the dog stared at him kind of confused, wondering if this weird gesture could possibly lead to some kind of snack. Nobody’s ever waved to him before. You don’t wave to animals. If you really like a stranger’s dog, you might pet it or scratch its neck after getting the owner’s permission. If he did that, I’d think he was a vet or an incredibly lonely person but why the fuck was he waving? Dogs don’t have that in their vocabulary. They know “park” and “squirrel” and as far as gestures go, they may understand the lunge of impending discipline or grabbing the leash before a walk but a hand going back and forth in the air like a windshield wiper is not of their world. They can’t wave. Their arms don’t work like that. They don’t even have arms. They have legs.
The woman who owned the dog didn’t think it was cute. She just looked at him like she was thinking the same thing I was thinking. After he was done his wave, he smiled and faced the elevator door. When it opened he trotted out and had this spring in his step like on some, “What a lovely day” shit. Not only did he not realize he had just done something totally idiotic, he thought what he did was a friendly gesture. Yeah, real friendly. Why don’t you buy a giraffe a towel while you’re at it? Give a snake the thumbs up. Hey newborn, here’s the password to my bank account. Aren’t I a good guy?
I should have asked him why he just waved to a dog. I’ve done this before and it never goes as Larry David as you want it to. It gets real agro real fast. I still should have done it though. If we got into a fight, it would have been the funniest thing to get in a fight about, ever.
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