Posted by
Gavin
• 01.10.13 12:25 pm

So, I’m in the elevator the other day and this guy gets on wearing a winter jacket that seemed vaguely European. There was a middle-aged woman with a poodle next to us and when he saw the dog, he gave it this super gay wave that was all, “Hi!” 

It was the same wave you’d give a kid in a stroller if it was staring at you. I totally get that kind of wave. You’re saying to the kid, “Hey buddy, don’t be scared. I’m a friendly guy and I hope you have a nice day.” Kids tend to be wary of the unknown and it’s good to assuage their fears.

 

That’s not the case with dogs. They don’t do “waving.” That’s why the dog stared at him kind of confused, wondering if this weird gesture could possibly lead to some kind of snack. Nobody’s ever waved to him before. You don’t wave to animals. If you really like a stranger’s dog, you might pet it or scratch its neck after getting the owner’s permission. If he did that, I’d think he was a vet or an incredibly lonely person but why the fuck was he waving? Dogs don’t have that in their vocabulary. They know “park” and “squirrel” and as far as gestures go, they may understand the lunge of impending discipline or grabbing the leash before a walk but a hand going back and forth in the air like a windshield wiper is not of their world. They can’t wave. Their arms don’t work like that. They don’t even have arms. They have legs.

 

The woman who owned the dog didn’t think it was cute. She just looked at him like she was thinking the same thing I was thinking. After he was done his wave, he smiled and faced the elevator door. When it opened he trotted out and had this spring in his step like on some, “What a lovely day” shit. Not only did he not realize he had just done something totally idiotic, he thought what he did was a friendly gesture. Yeah, real friendly. Why don’t you buy a giraffe a towel while you’re at it? Give a snake the thumbs up. Hey newborn, here’s the password to my bank account. Aren’t I a good guy?

 

I should have asked him why he just waved to a dog. I’ve done this before and it never goes as Larry David as you want it to. It gets real agro real fast. I still should have done it though. If we got into a fight, it would have been the funniest thing to get in a fight about, ever.

-GAVIN McINNES


Comments
  1. just a cunt hair away says:

    waving at babies is dumb too.

  2. scoots the clown says:

    Not even a pie fight would have made that funny, pal. I thought you were a comedian. Or is all the political stuff your comedy now?

  3. S says:

    “it never goes as Larry David as you want it to. It gets real agro real fast.”

    Enter scoots.

  4. raymi says:

    He was in a good mood/retarded/no friends. I wave to stupid shit all the time, case in point.

  5. E says:

    Raymi wins

  6. brideshead says:

    You know you’re in a bad place when people being happy just pisses you off to the point where you have to go home and “blog about it.”

  7. Sam Spade says:

    Or Gavin wrote this in a dour mood. While this vaguely European man may have been being doing something seen as dumb or useless, perhaps it brightened up his day. And as far as I can tell, he did not seem to be doing any harm in this isolated event in an elevator.

  8. John says:

    I could totally imagine this being a segment on Limmy’s Show. That Glasgow accent makes everything funnier.

  9. TomSawyer says:

    I smile and/or wave at random shit, too, but I’m pretty sure it’s just me or my wife around when I do. The thing I was personally creeped out by, even as a naive staring child, were adults — can’t recall if all cases were men — who would break the staring contest with a wink.

  10. Sniffy says:

    Super!!! Thanks for asking!!! I bet he was that “guy.”

  11. fuck face tony says:

    you have ran out of shit to write about.

  12. Yah Rilly says:

    My issue would be with the weirdo who feels the need to inflict her foppish, dirty little dog on tightly enclosed human spaces (elevators, NYC, etc.). What if I had a hangover and it started yapping or farted or something? Love dogs. Hate the people who own them (unless they live on 500 acres in the country).

  13. ZF says:

    Gavin’s been spending too much time w/ his Asian in-laws and can’t understand why anyone would get all goofy around food.

  14. zbow says:

    This post is either an ingenious send-up of all the neo-conservative ramblings previously posted by Gavin or some pedantic Seinfeld-esque drivel.

  15. Marty says:

    Actually, I am a dog and I can inform you that we are quite familiar with the concept of waving. We prefer to use our tails though: “wagging” I believe you double-leggers call it.


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