While filming my latest blockbuster comedy How to be a Man, I heard a woman screaming her head off.
She just had her iPhone stolen at gunpoint by a six-foot-tall black kid (the paper likes to leave it at “kid”) who was running like the wind away from her. My ribs were broken from a previous fight scene so I didn’t give chase but I’m not sure I would have participated even if I was in perfect health. This kid risked—what—five years in jail for a cell phone? He obviously has a retard-level IQ and his understanding of consequences ain’t great to say the least so what are the odds he’s going to shoot back at you? I’d say 1 in 10.
However, screaming her head off got everyone’s attention and before you could say, “Fuck it,” the medic from our shoot dropped everything and tore off after him. The kid was running like a gazelle but the forty-something EMT caught up with him, tackled him, and got the phone back. The medic said he was “pretty sure” the gun was fake so he let the kid go. For the record, the Post said a lot of people joined in but it was just the medic risking his life to catch a thief.
It would have been more just to kick the kid’s ass and hold him there until the cops came. Who cares if the gun was fake? The trauma the victim suffers is still the same. Cops shoot at kids with fake guns the same way they shoot at kids with real guns. He committed a real crime and breaking the kid’s arms would have been totally reasonable. But should either of them bothered chasing that kid in the first place? I’m told local gangs are conducting initiations this time of year and armed robbery is a good way in.
Vigilante justice like this is good for the rest of us. This woman and the super-medic who intervened have sent the message that you can’t just wander through the park midday robbing people, but is a cell phone really worth three lives? Is it really about the principle of the act?
I spoke to the medic later and he was very modest about the whole thing. I found out from another medic that this dude flies all over the world running triage for catastrophes. He was Hispanic and I bet you a million dollars he’s Catholic. I spoke to the woman after too and she was alert, coherent, and even funny. She said, “You can’t take my cell phone! That’s my whole world right there” and laughed. She’s probably pregnant with a boy because she definitely had balls.
In the end, I’d say it wasn’t smart what they did but I’m glad they did it? Wait, now I feel like a pussy who wants pregnant women to make my neighborhood safer. What would you have done?