Posted by
• 12.30.11 12:00 pm

Yesterday I got on “The Zion Bus” and took it to Nine Mile where Bob Marley was born. The tour was $60 a person and I spent another $50 or so on tchotchkes.

Yesterday I got on “The Zion Bus” and took it to Nine Mile where Bob Marley was born. The tour was $60 a person and I spent another $50 or so on tchotchkes.

“Da firss ting mi wan fi tell ya is dat Bob Marley’s dad is a white mon, seen?”

Seen? He was a rich little white kid who went gallivanting all over the country checking on his daddy’s plantations and boinking black chicks whenever he got horny. Bob apparently inherited these horny genes as he fathered 19 kids.

We drove straight up a mountain for about an hour and the higher we climbed, the more pot we could smell. Smoking pot in Jamaica is like drinking in Glasgow. Everyone does it, but grannies and moms frown upon it. Nice girls don’t smoke weed and if you light up in church, you will get your ass beaten.

Note the “No Drugs” sign. This is at a bar we stopped at about halfway up. Though there are ten times more Americans than Canadians, the latter tend to represent about 50% of the vacationing population. There were a lot of Albertans and Saskatchewananians there, probably because of all the oil money floating around. The thing I love about Canadians is that no matter how rich they get, they are always hosers. All the moms have ankle tattoos and all the dads smoke pot with their kids. I’ll never quite get how Canadian teens can sit there and be baked with their own father but they were doing it here, at this bar, at 10 AM.

Then we got there. The birthplace and deathplace of Bob is surrounded by a cement wall with an armed guard at the front. Next to him is a hole in the wall where rastas sell weed. They wanted $25 for a spliff. I told them that’s insane. They asked me how much I want to pay and I said, “More like $5.” This vexed the rasclat and he said, “WHY YOU DISRESPECT BOB MARLEY AND RASTA WITH YOUR $5?” Yeesh.

This is the house where Bob Marley came out of his mother’s vagina. A few days later she moved him to a shack higher up on the hill so our guide, a man with a disturbing laugh, took us there.

His name is Captain Crazy and he’s all over the Internets.

Someone asked how Bob died and the aptly named Crazy said, “They say it was melanoma but that’s not my side of the story.” I said, “Well…” as in “Out with it,” and he sighed before laying it down for us.

“I’ll never forget no way how they crucified Jesus Christ /
I’ll never forget how they sold Marcus Garvey for rice /
I’ll never forget no way how they turned their backs on Paul Bogle /
so don’t you forget no way who you are and where you stand in the struggle.”

He was singing the Bob Marley song, “So Much Things to Say,” made famous by Lauryn Hill.

Then he added “Da white man don’t like me saying that.”

Then I thought, “Wait, wasn’t it black men who tried to assassinate Bob back in 1976? And wasn’t it a white man who discovered him and brought his music to the world? And wasn’t it mostly white people who bought those 250 million records? Why am I the bad guy? Bob Marley died because he had a malignant growth under his toenail that his religion would not allow him to amputate. That’s Jah’s fault or as Goad put it, “Haile Selassie? Highly retarded.” Furthermore, Marcus Garvey was never a slave. He was born to posh academics and followed in their footsteps exactly. The only time he went near a plantation was to run it.”

That’s what I thought. What I said was, “Well…” At this point I wished my wife would pull down her shorts and expose her vagina so I could say we both pussied out.

Whenever Captain Crazy sang, little voices in the sky would finish his sentences. I was pretty fucked up at this point, so it was freaking my shit out until I realized there were children in the trees.

The tour was done and we all gave him some money. I asked him what kind of relationship Bob Marley’s mother had with his father and he said they stayed together for three years until a huge argument led to him threatening to leave. She responded with, “To the left” and that was it. Dad moved back to Kingston and Bob followed.

Later, a second tour guide told me that’s all bullshit. Bob’s dad fucked his mother when she was a teenager. When he found out she was pregnant he married her and then fucked off the next day. He didn’t see Bob until Bob was 10 and when he met him, he died of a fucking heart attack. In the bus we watched a concert featuring all his kids singing his songs and his mom dressed all rasta. It all seemed a bit phony. Then she talked about the father and said, “He told me he loved me and I believed him.” I don’t even think she remembered him. And the way she was dressed all Rastafari seemed like a hoax, too. Like if Wattie from The Exploited made his mother rich and she walked around with a blue mohawk talking about how Sid was innocent.

On the way out I agreed to pay $10 for a spliff if they let me take a photograph so I can tell my friends back home I’m down with the rastas. They said no.

We went back to that bar on the way home and I was so baked, I bought the following…

Dude was bummed I got him down to $5 for this but come on, who else on Earth wants a carving of Pinky’s dad?

I learned a lot about astronomy from this.

Fuck carvings are very popular here. I’ve seen the exact same ones in Costa Rica. It’s an industry.

Fridge magnets are always best out of context.

Time to get back to vacationing. Bye-bye.


  1. Owl says:

    This is more like it. Funny stuff.

  2. Ali Mantado says:

    wearing a fucking tee, asshole? you´re over 50

  3. TT the Bear says:

    Serious question, Gavin… What product do you use for your hair? It’s subtle but nice.

  4. iwontslowdown(2) says:

    gotta love that “persons may be persecuted” sign

  5. Lester be piercin' says:

    nice one

  6. RNR says:

    Good stuff!

  7. dragler says:

    I don’t know about it

  8. Pudge says:

    My folks got to fuckin on a very similar pilgrimage and made me, I call myself the Zion Zygote. Also, I want that Jimmy Cliff shirt.

  9. Bongo Bob says:

    Gavin, I mean this with all sincerity, you have nice hair.

  10. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    This is the “Zion Bus”???? I thought that was a day trip from Philly to Harrah’s in Atlantic City.

  11. Anonymous says:

    All drugs make me sleepy these days. I just feel like sleeping forever. Weed makes me thing of women, X girfriends and that can just as bad as it is nice. I often thought you know would it be nice to go to Jamaica and chill out, eat lobster and even go to Bob Marley’s house, it looks like such fun from the way your post reads, so much fun Gavin woooooooooo hooooooooooooo! yah man OMG soooooo much fun! God I feel shy because Im so happy!

  12. Damian says:

    Nice piece. My favorite part of Jamaica was asking a cabbie to give a real tour. People are so poor, I felt like an asshole for the rest of the trip. My advice: don’t leave the touristy areas.

  13. Lester be piercin' says:

    want photographic evidence that you’re not wearing sandals in Jamaica

  14. chelsea says:

    that ‘slippery when wet’ photo might give me a nightmare

  15. booty says:

    I am a Jamaican American…. I LOVE ALL A DIS

    you mek me laf ta ra…. HAPPY NEW YEAR GAVIN. Your kids will like Kola Champagne, I grew up drinking it. Enjoy all the jerk pork you can get pon de road side. roast corn too! ackee and saltfish with roast breadfruit, festival, boil dumpling.

  16. inna rockers tee no less. BIGUPSEANREVERON

  17. Raymes says:

    You always do holidays huge, irie irie.

  18. Dave says:

    You look like a qweeb

  19. Anonymous says:

    Gavin uses Brylcreem, knatty dread.

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