It’s been a VERY stressful few weeks, and I haven’t been able to sleep for shit.
It’s been a VERY stressful few weeks, and I haven’t been able to sleep for shit. My eyes are so swollen, wrinkly, and puckered up they look like two assholes, and my face broke out like a 13-year old. It’s bad. I have never lived through a period like this.
THEN, to make matters worse, I was ROBBED! This was the icing on the cake, and I’ll admit I sobbed like a little bitch when it happened—it was the final straw, and it was too much to handle.
I had been out running errands all day, preparing for my eventual move, and I ended up having to go straight to work from there. I had a bunch of crap I was carrying around with me, so before I went in to work I cleaned out my bag and left some stuff in my truck, rather than carry it around with me all night. I took out my sweaty gym shoes and socks, stuffed them in a cardboard box on my passenger seat, and also left behind an old notebook I had rubber-banded together with some receipts and stuff. Then I went in to work.
That night it was a special benefit show to raise money for Sickle Cell Anemia research, so the show started and hour late and I didn’t get out ’til midnight. When I went out to my truck in the parking garage, I found that someone had broken in and stolen my stuff!!!
Now, if you’ve ever seen the Caesars Palace parking garage, you know that it’s ginormous and nasty. Other garages, like those of the Wynn, Bellagio, and other upscale properties get regularly power-washed, and are policed or patrolled. Well, I don’t think the Caesars garage has ever been power-washed — the floors are filthy, coated in piss, vomit, motor oil and amniotic fluids. There have been shootings in there, and I’m sure more than one baby has been conceived within its hallowed confines. Nevertheless, I’ve been parking there for 8 years without incident, so I never really think twice about it.
But this night, some FUCKING ASSWAD had gotten into my truck (due to my insane stress levels, I must have left the door unlocked—or maybe they jimmied it open, I don’t know; there was no damage). At first, all I found missing was my Breathalyzer (which cost $300, dammit!!!! I bought it because I got a DUI last year, and I’m not taking any chances) and this old 1940s Samsonite overnight case I carry around in my truck with spare panties, bikini, flip-flops, etc. Whatever—I was pissed about the Breathalyzer, but could definitely live without the suitcase.
But then I realized my notebook was missing, too—and then it hit me. I had over $1100 in cash in that fucking notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’d stashed all the money I’d earned working all those miserable gigs all week in between the pages, because I hadn’t had time to get to the bank yet. I NEVER carry that much cash around with me, but if I do, I keep it on my person—I certainly don’t leave it in my car. But I’ve been so tired and stressed lately, I forgot—and some fucking asshole took advantage of me and STOLE IT ALL L L L
So I basically worked my fucking feet down to the nubs all week for nothing. It’s allllllllllll gone.
I broke down weeping, from fatigue, desperation, sadness and hopelessness. Will I ever get ahead in this fucked-up world?! I drove around the parking garage in a panic, tears streaming down my face as I searched all the trashcans and dumpsters in the area. My hope was that, once they’d seen there was nothing but dirty old clothes in the suitcase, maybe they’d chucked it along with the beat-up old rubber-banded notebook.
No such luck. I looked ALL OVER the place, even across the street and in the alley by the train tracks—nothing. I went back and filed an incident report with Caesars security, but they were no help—of course there were no security cameras in that shitty garage. It was hopeless.
The next day I woke up with my eyes so swollen shut from crying, I looked like I had Down syndrome. Still, I glopped on some makeup and went down to the police station to report the burglary…just in case they find something out. I doubt it, but whatever. I’m supposed to call back in ten days and follow up, but I’m sure nothing will come of it. I’ll never get my Breathalyzer or my money back, and that’s a sad fuckin’ fact.
My only hope is that at least the stolen money went to a good cause—maybe someone needed to feed their kids or something. Probably not, though—I’ll bet it was some half-witted cholo thug who used it to buy Playstation games, weed and Olde English. ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I ever find out who did this, I am going to tie the motherfucker down and FLAY HIS BALLS. I will peel back the delicate skin on the nutsack, pin it to his groin like I’m dissecting a frog in high school biology class, then go in with an X-Acto knife and carve the Ten Commandments into his gonads. I realize his testes will be far too small to contain all this text, and will probably get shredded like carnitas in the process, so when that happens I’ll scoop the mess out, mush it up like pate and spread it on toast…and make him eat it! Then I’ll stuff decaying dollar-store tuna fish into the empty cavities, sew him back up, tie him to a tree and call in a pack of hungry pit bulls to finish him off.