Posted by
• 01.31.12 07:00 am

It’s been a VERY stressful few weeks, and I haven’t been able to sleep for shit.

It’s been a VERY stressful few weeks, and I haven’t been able to sleep for shit. My eyes are so swollen, wrinkly, and puckered up they look like two assholes, and my face broke out like a 13-year old. It’s bad. I have never lived through a period like this.

THEN, to make matters worse, I was ROBBED! This was the icing on the cake, and I’ll admit I sobbed like a little bitch when it happened—it was the final straw, and it was too much to handle.

I had been out running errands all day, preparing for my eventual move, and I ended up having to go straight to work from there. I had a bunch of crap I was carrying around with me, so before I went in to work I cleaned out my bag and left some stuff in my truck, rather than carry it around with me all night. I took out my sweaty gym shoes and socks, stuffed them in a cardboard box on my passenger seat, and also left behind an old notebook I had rubber-banded together with some receipts and stuff. Then I went in to work.

That night it was a special benefit show to raise money for Sickle Cell Anemia research, so the show started and hour late and I didn’t get out ’til midnight. When I went out to my truck in the parking garage, I found that someone had broken in and stolen my stuff!!!

Now, if you’ve ever seen the Caesars Palace parking garage, you know that it’s ginormous and nasty. Other garages, like those of the Wynn, Bellagio, and other upscale properties get regularly power-washed, and are policed or patrolled. Well, I don’t think the Caesars garage has ever been power-washed — the floors are filthy, coated in piss, vomit, motor oil and amniotic fluids. There have been shootings in there, and I’m sure more than one baby has been conceived within its hallowed confines. Nevertheless, I’ve been parking there for 8 years without incident, so I never really think twice about it.

But this night, some FUCKING ASSWAD had gotten into my truck (due to my insane stress levels, I must have left the door unlocked—or maybe they jimmied it open, I don’t know; there was no damage). At first, all I found missing was my Breathalyzer (which cost $300, dammit!!!! I bought it because I got a DUI last year, and I’m not taking any chances) and this old 1940s Samsonite overnight case I carry around in my truck with spare panties, bikini, flip-flops, etc. Whatever—I was pissed about the Breathalyzer, but could definitely live without the suitcase.

But then I realized my notebook was missing, too—and then it hit me. I had over $1100 in cash in that fucking notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’d stashed all the money I’d earned working all those miserable gigs all week in between the pages, because I hadn’t had time to get to the bank yet. I NEVER carry that much cash around with me, but if I do, I keep it on my person—I certainly don’t leave it in my car. But I’ve been so tired and stressed lately, I forgot—and some fucking asshole took advantage of me and STOLE IT ALL L L L

So I basically worked my fucking feet down to the nubs all week for nothing.  It’s allllllllllll gone.

I broke down weeping, from fatigue, desperation, sadness and hopelessness. Will I ever get ahead in this fucked-up world?! I drove around the parking garage in a panic, tears streaming down my face as I searched all the trashcans and dumpsters in the area. My hope was that, once they’d seen there was nothing but dirty old clothes in the suitcase, maybe they’d chucked it along with the beat-up old rubber-banded notebook.

No such luck. I looked ALL OVER the place, even across the street and in the alley by the train tracks—nothing. I went back and filed an incident report with Caesars security, but they were no help—of course there were no security cameras in that shitty garage. It was hopeless.

The next day I woke up with my eyes so swollen shut from crying, I looked like I had Down syndrome. Still, I glopped on some makeup and went down to the police station to report the burglary…just in case they find something out. I doubt it, but whatever. I’m supposed to call back in ten days and follow up, but I’m sure nothing will come of it. I’ll never get my Breathalyzer or my money back, and that’s a sad fuckin’ fact.

My only hope is that at least the stolen money went to a good cause—maybe someone needed to feed their kids or something. Probably not, though—I’ll bet it was some half-witted cholo thug who used it to buy Playstation games, weed and Olde English. ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever find out who did this, I am going to tie the motherfucker down and FLAY HIS BALLS. I will peel back the delicate skin on the nutsack, pin it to his groin like I’m dissecting a frog in high school biology class, then go in with an X-Acto knife and carve the Ten Commandments into his gonads. I realize his testes will be far too small to contain all this text, and will probably get shredded like carnitas in the process, so when that happens I’ll scoop the mess out, mush it up like pate and spread it on toast…and make him eat it! Then I’ll stuff decaying dollar-store tuna fish into the empty cavities, sew him back up, tie him to a tree and call in a pack of hungry pit bulls to finish him off.



  1. peterpaul says:

    too many “I”s…

  2. Anonymous says:

    “I” dont care

  3. Ike Commenter says:

    Is that the Feldster?

  4. Baby needs a new pair of shoes or two says:

    This is why storing money in a book is for teenagers and immigrants with a family bible. With money making opportunities like your revenge fantasies there, well you can possibly sell that to someone too.

  5. Steatopygiaphile says:

    I find it amazing that dumbasses who leave shit in there cars are actually shocked when someone breaks in and steals there crap. In the immortal words of Senior Drill Instructor Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: “If it wasn’t for dickheads like you, their wouldn’t be any thievery in this world, would there?

  6. blah says:

    Sorry, Hussy. I’m sincerely bummed for you. You work hard for that money. I do think you need to make better choices about leaving stuff in your car. I worry when I leave my hidden Macbook briefcase in the car for 10 mins in a suburban supermarket parking lot.

    Just so this post isn’t completely lame, I’d like to briefly go over the differences between larceny, burglary and robbery. Burglary is generally just the act of breaking into a dwelling house, at night, for the purposes of committing a felony therein. Robbery is when a person takes something from you personally, by force. Larceny is what happened to you here–just taking something from you without force. I hope this legal terminology lesson helps to lessen the pain somehow.

  7. Pedant Patrol says:

    ^^^ she wasn’t robbed, but the truck was burglarized.

  8. kure kure takora says:

    Someone get this woman a xanga or a livejournal already.

  9. Beaner says:

    “That night it was a special benefit show to raise money for Sickle Cell Anemia research, so the show started and hour late and I didn’t get out ’til midnight.”

    Right, those sickle cell anemics are ALWAYS running an hour late!

  10. Crack King says:

    what is it was a girl? Why assume all theives are guys? the took panties righ.. must have been a girl then.. or could have been. You are sexist.

  11. Crack King says:

    OW dear lord. I just followed the link to your “site”, dude you totally deserved to get robbed.

  12. Three Thumbs Up says:

    Very refreshing to see a girl who isn’t an ex-junkie child of privilege who uses vapid terms such as “totes” and “amazeballs.”

  13. Three Thumbs Up says:

    …and also who doesn’t look like an anteater.

  14. Brock Samson says:


    Stop writing for this site and bad things will stop happening.

  15. raymes says:

    Maje buzzkill sorry to hear of this. When a door closes a window opens.

  16. pogi says:

    Its Cory Feldman who did it!

  17. Die Juden says:

    I call bullshit. Who the fuck leaves 100 dollars in a car..let alone 1100…AND its Vegas?!?!? I lived in Vegas for a bit and the FIRST thing they did was jack our car. Like days after. Upscale high-rise(rare) too. It’s not the place to leave anything anywhere. If you don’t work for the casino/LA movie industry in some capacity, you are robbing dipshit tourists and residents for meth money. There is a pawn shop every twenty feet in Vegas for a reason. plain and simple.

  18. Lionel Hutz, Esq. says:

    Another magical ride into the world of “I don’t give a shit”. Next week, Wonderhussy shows off her wine collection and is shocked casinos operate in a sleazy manner.

  19. Wtf says:

    I’m gonna be honest, i was gonna post some jerk type comment… But never mind, that story is a major bummer… Sorry.

  20. blah says:

    @Pedant Patrol

    Counsel, I appreciate your expansive view of burglary. Traditionally it did have to be performed on a dwelling house, at night with intent to commit a felony. A “motor vehicle burglary” was introduced to add an additional charge to this type of crime. Remember though, MV burglary and larceny are two distinct offenses.

    It does still suck for WH though. I actually would love to hire her for a sex show I’m setting up for rich couples in NYC. I read somewhere that she does free demos to get this type of work. :)

  21. Dil-doh! says:

    Uh… you don’t even know if you locked the door & you left $1100 in there??

  22. Jucifer says:


  23. Caller says:

    If you want to get ahead you should go buy a gun and slang coke. I hear that’s lucrative.

  24. Monkey says:

    Jen’s posts are the worst. She probably doesn’t even own a motorcycle.

  25. Sniffy says:

    I’ll give you $1100 for sexy time. You gotta come to California though.

  26. Fox Dad says:

    Oh god, I am so sorry you’re a sexy idiot, so so sorry.

  27. Kid Douche says:

    You bought a Breathalyzer because you got a DUI last year, and you’re “not taking any chances”? Do you know what not taking any chances means? Here’s some logic for ya: Take a cab when you drink, ESPECIALLY if you have a DUI on your record.

  28. quincy jones illuminati says:

    thank god

  29. man says:

    you’re the one on the right, right?

  30. pony says:

    well these days i read the wonderhussy posts for the comment section alone

  31. Anonymous says:

    This chick is so stupid it’s hard to believe she can remember to breath. I wish she would forget. Who the FUCK leaves $1,100 IN CASH, in their car, IN LAS VEGAS, and then writes an entire blog post crying and whining that it got stolen? Has she lived on Earth? And what was she doing with $1,100 IN CASH anyways? Stripper? Hooker? Both? Maybe sucking several geriatric dicks for “donations” (given that she was only paid $300 for a full pump and dump by that one grandpa in her other post).

    So not only can she never seem to make money, and is forever crying poor and blaming everyone else for her financial situation, but then when she does finally manage to come into possession of some actual cash, she can’t even use half a brain cell to store it in a safe location. This busted hooker needs to go on welfare already. At least the welfare funds come in the form of a debit card. What a fucking useless bimbo. Her writing style is so tediously manic and narcissistic, and the things she tries to write about are either boring and irrelevant, or very obviously flat out lies. Why is she on this site?

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