Santa’s cool and all—he’s pasty, he’s fat from all those cookies and milk, he wakes up early on a Sunday, gets in his sled, shleps around the world with a bunch of dirty animals (I’m sure he’s gotten reindeer dung in his eye or mouth at least once) and brings toys to all the little girls and boys, who, let’s face it, probably don’t deserve them.
Or so the legend goes. And then of course, Mrs. Claus is just some old lady whom no one really talks about, even though she probably does tons of work and still finds time to fellate Santa when she can.
We also hear about the elves and dwarves and little people who work in Santa’s Workshop. They have Christlike carpentry skills and make trains and toys with the nimble fingers of a million Chinese child factory workers. Hiring elves is a pretty noble thing to do, if you think about it, and kind of genius. They have those spry hands yet they are adults, so you can abuse them to some extent and it’s OK. They’re also small, so you can fit more of them into the workshop. Since they’re smaller, they eat less, shit smaller turds using less toilet paper, and consume less coffee. Every corporation should hire staffs consisting of mostly elves, dwarves, and little people. It’s a brilliant business plan.
But there’s a dude behind the scenes of Christmas that we don’t really hear a ton about. His name is Krampus, and he’s a badass mofo. Apparently, he’s St. Nicholas’s gangster henchman who tortures the bad children with whips and chains. He looks like the bad guy in a satanic horror film—all Devil-y with huge horns and stuff. Not the kind of guy your parents were hoping you’d date after graduating Summa Cum Laude. I’d probably totally bang him. Of course I’d use condoms, though. Apparently, he’s also got cloven hooves and a monstrous tongue, so he’s basically the Devil. In other parts of the world, Germany and Bavaria, obviously, they celebrate Krampusnacht. Basically, a bunch of dudes prance around in monster getups, carrying whips and chains to symbolically denote how Krampus beats the bad children around the holidays. Meanwhile, the women mostly hang out dressed as Frau Perchta, a Nordic goddess akin to Freyja the fertility goddess, which sounds kind of fun. Figures. Guys get to be monsters and all the women dress like Barbie.
The Internet says that in the PA Dutch community area, there’s a character called “Pelsnickel or Belznickel” who is kind of like a Krampus-type dude. And who says the Amish are no fun?
For Christmas this year, all I want is for Krampus and Krampusnacht to catch on in America.
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