Posted by
Jim Goad
• 11.29.12 10:05 pm



If Jimi Hendrix hadn’t choked to death on his own vomit in 1970, he would have turned 70 this past Tuesday.

Even though I’m a racist, I give credit where it’s due, and there will never be another guitarist remotely as innovative as he was. He was so good, I can partially forgive him for the way he spelled “Jimmy.”

Now that I’ve gotten the giving-him-props part out of the way, I’ve taken to wondering what he’d be doing if he was still alive. I suggest the following:

1) He’d try playing the guitar with his teeth, but his dentures would get stuck on the strings and pop out of his mouth.

2) He’d try setting his guitar on fire and accidentally set himself on fire.

3) He’d puncture his colostomy bag while trying to use his whammy bar.

4) He’d do a meandering psychedelic instrumental called “Third Kidney Stone From the Sun.”

5) He’d be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for literally trying to kiss the sky.

 

—JIM GOAD

 


Comments
  1. runswithfarts says:

    His varicose veins would have a slight purple haze color in them.

  2. brendan donnelly says:

    as Howard Stern said yesterday “he’d be sitting beside me on ‘America’s got talent’ or one of these dopey shows, judging all these talentless people.

  3. Sniffy says:

    Jimi would laugh at the future. He’d be like, “what the fuck are all these DJ’s and assholes using auto-tune doing?”

  4. Zippy says:

    You’re all wrong. He’d be playing the Rib cook off circuit with Mark Farner, The “New” Deep Purple and Foghat.

  5. Joey says:

    He’d still be defiling white women.

  6. Ring Kodney says:

    @Joey: Who isn’t? Don’t blame me if your chick wants that thang beat up proper. What I especially like are white guys who say “thang” and then get beaten to death by black flash mobs.

  7. Dabney says:

    You forgot the Pepsi spots

  8. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    It’s would actually be worst than all that Jim. Jimi would be onstage to the tune of 500 bucks a pop for nose bleed seats in a stadium, not doing anything except standing there being a human juke box for 50 thousand now straight laced, weekend warrior boomers, pretending they’re reliving their rebellious youth. They would be brow beating their kids, who ironically didn’t rebel at all because they love most of the same music acts of the era, that they brought with them about how this was the “real youth experience”, and about how they were the most socially relevant generation of youth culture ever. Unlike Gen X, those millenials will actually pay attention to them and their tales!

  9. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    From the looks of that picture, Jimi would be busy telling people “No, I am not Dave Chappelle”.

  10. Hahveeay says:

    why waste time caring how a person spells their name? are you just looking for something to nitpick as personal as a person’s name? is just seems worthless and not at all like leaving pointless comments

  11. tw says:

    If Jimi hadn’t choked on his own vomit in ’70, he would have in ’71.

  12. Fruitty says:

    Jimi was/is the second coming of Jesus Christ!

  13. Fruitcake says:

    Jimi Hendrix is GOD, people… Keep praying to him for inspiration, since today’s SUPPOSED music, ahs NONE of his inspiration AT ALL!


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