Imagine a mysteriously goofy group of people, who love attention more than anything else. Now, imagine a group of people, who love making themselves look great and everyone else feel like shit.
You don’t have to imagine, because that group of people is the Shriners and they’re constantly bumming people out all day and all night with their twisted ass commercials.
I’ve always known something was up with these kooky bastards because the Dead Kennedys had put them on the cover of Frankenchrist, riding those shitty little cars and wearing those retarded little hats of theirs. I hadn’t a fucking clue as to why they had done it but I knew it wasn’t a sign of loving support, and the fact the Shriners sued them over it sure as shit didn’t help. Now, after all these years, I’ve realized the band was probably trying to show what attention loving pricks the little assholes are.
Obviously, the Shriners are a bunch of dicks because of the whole lawsuit thing but the way they terrorize people with their fucking commercials is taking it way too far. It’s almost as bad as those KARS 4 KIDS lunatics. I understand they’re only trying to help crippled children out but holy fuck are they relentless. They don’t even bother to run the things at a reasonable hour.
I understand advertising ain’t cheap and when you’re looking for donations to fund your shortbus children’s hospital, spending a butt-ton of cash on prime advertising slots probably ain’t a good look either. Buying slots late at night or in the middle of the day is definitely cheaper but with the amount of times the Shriners run ‘em, it probably doesn’t make all that big of a difference. They’d be better off just having one run at a time when people are actually watching. I don’t think I’ve seen a single one of their commercials in primetime. The only time I have seen a Shriners hospital ad was at an hour that I should either be asleep or at work. What’s the goal there, get a bunch of jobless stoners and insomniacs to fund their hospitals? Way to help out the needy, jizz for brains.
The current advertising campaign must be getting some results. There’s no way they don’t get donations from the elderly by trotting out a bunch of sad little deformed creatures over and over again. Most old ladies sit at home all day, watching The Golden Girls, looking for ways to spend their retirement funds, and waiting to die. Beating them over the head with images of kids without arms and weirdo body casts must pull their heart strings and get ‘em to fork over a bit of that cash. but it’s a children’s hospital, little old ladies are gonna donate no matter what. There’s no need to parade those kids around like the freaks they are. They oughtta just run a normal hospital commercial that focuses on the facilities and stars the doctors, with only a few of those creepy little monsters in it. They’re pretty fucking vague about what they do and how they do it, too.
I know it’s only a commercial and they have a pretty limited amount of time to get their message across but maybe it would be more helpful if they focused a little more attention on the services they provide at these hospitals or how the donations go to use. Instead, they just say you’re giving them hope, strength, joy, and independence. From what, their mutations and maladies? I fucking hope so. It’s a hospital, that’s what they’re supposed to do. They don’t even bother naming the different deformities and diseases they treat. We have to figure that shit out on our own and from looks of it, they don’t really do all that great of a job. That one kid still has no arms and is smiling like he has a gun pointed at his head.
I’m sure it’s nice for some of these brats to be in the commercials. Almost every little kid wants to be rich or famous and being on TV is usually good enough for most. Having the kids limp around and really showcase their deformities and disabilities seems like a bit much, though. I get they want to show that the children are disabled and need help but getting these kids together and saying, “alright, kiddo. We’re gonna need you to hobble up these stairs and you to try and draw some shit with your feet” seems a bit fucked up, no? They’re supposed to be helping the kids out, not putting them to work.
Maybe the Shriners do have some good intentions and are actually helping some of these little freaks out. There’s no need for them to be doing it in the way they’ve been doing it, though. In fact, it’d probably help those suckers out more if they did it in a different manner. They can go ahead and keep those gay little Shriner bear blankets, too. Or, give ’em to the kids. No one needs to be reminded of their daily or monthly donations.