Some have called me “vagina obsessed,” and that may be true.
Or maybe it’s just that I truly realize and appreciate the power and magic of the vagina, and why not? It’s a fascinating organ. That’s right, I said organ, because us women be gettin’ played all the time n shit, am I right? Can I get a what what?
But for seriouslies, I understand why women someday ruled and I believe that we will rule again. Furthermore, I opt to promote positive understanding of the aforementioned points. So, big fucking deal. If you don’t like learning about and sharing my fascination with the only body part that also serves as a pantry in some African cultures, then go watch American Idol or smoke crack or work at Duane Reade or wear skin tight pants or read books off the NY Times best seller list or do whatever it is that you prefer to do.
The rest: listen, learn and revel.
For starters, let’s talk about pubes. Pubic hair serves a few purposes, like, “bad place to get a noogie” and provides fun and excitement for the whole family, except for the kids. But by god, don’t shave it off! One of it’s most important functions is that it is essentially a pheromone sponge that holds the sweet, pungent tang de poon; the aromas that lead modern cave men to you. It is a veritable welcome carpet to your cave, if you will, the ‘apple pie cooling on the window sill’ of the female body, so if your artistic medium of choice is pubes, set the razor down and go get yourself a magnetic beard toy. If your man insists that you shave off all your pubics, he’s trying to tell you something that you’ll eventually probably figure out anyway.
Speaking of figuring shit out, here’s a gem: There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, and only 4000 in the penis. We win. So fellas, now you know why women used to have to go to doctor clinics and get professionally jerked off – because we are basically kind of ultra-ly superior sexual beings. Our vaginas are worth two of your penises. We see your penis, and we raise you one penis. Imagine getting two blowjobs at the same time. Awesome, right? But no need for jealousy. Though we have nuclear orgasms, we pay for it later — our vaginas are prone to “fall out” when we get older (pun intended). It’s called “pelvic prolapse,” and that’s where your vagina turns inside out, like a loose satin lining of a jacket sleeve. That’s something they didn’t tell you about in the sex-ed classes, huh ladies?
OK, this will be the last vadge fact for the day, and this one makes me happy. According to my research, with female ejaculation, there are basically two things going on. First, if it’s semen like in nature, in that there’s not much lady jizz and it resembles soy milk, it probably rolls out of the paraurethral glands, located just over yonder in the urethra, which by the way, I really think would be a lovely name for a girl. If there’s, say, a whiskey glass full, it’s—wait for it—pee-pee. Usually, it’s a delicious combination of this highly coveted elixir, which some pervs—er, folks—seek out and even consider a tasty beverage. You’re drinking peeps, friends. That’s right. The same stuff taxi drivers release into Poland Spring bottles and then covertly deposit curbside. You DO know that yellow stuff in Poland Spring bottles left by the curb is pee, right? Don’t drink those.
I always thought that there was something about female ejaculation that just rang “pee” in my mind. Now I have proof, via Internet research. For those women who insist, “It’s not pee, dammit, it’s lady cums,” then fine, you keep your beliefs and I’ll keep mine.
But seriously, it’s pee.