The Internet exists solely for people who are curious what it would hypothetically look like if Skrillex was cooking something.
I kind of worship Google.
I’ve learned more from using its search engine than I did at both of the colleges I went to. In addition, it has provided me with hours of life-sucking entertainment, time I could have spent reading books or enjoying quality moments with loved ones. But sometimes reading and loved ones can be boring. Enter Google.
Every day I come up with some ridiculous question in my head that I need an answer to. “How do you make a summer roll?” (it’s really easy) or “do they really use Diet Coke to rinse blood off of the highways after accidents?” Here is a list of 51 other uses for Coke.
Googling “weirdest thing on the Internet,” I got a video of a roller-skating turtle who tries to steal some lettuce via Mashable. It sounds pretty stupid but I admit it got about two solid LOLs out of me.
I have been slightly obsessed with Skrillex lately, so next, I Googled “Skrillex’s favorite food” and I came up with a blog that offers fans’ Photoshopped photos of Skrillex in various cooking situations. I like the concept, but the photos were made either by 12-year-olds stretching their unfinished brains or 60-year-olds touching a computer for the first time.
Image searches of “coolest guitar in the world” bring up an axe-shaped guitar and a Lego guitar. So obviously dudes who never ever get to have sex ever are the ones building and labeling these so-called coolest guitars in the world.
I liked the results I found for how to take a punch, (move with the punch, avoid tunnel vision, keep your chin down), I was disgusted with myself for Googling skinniest woman in the world (Lizzie Velasquez, 63 pounds), and was surprised when no specific answer came up for “How to color your poop pretty colors.”
And of course, porn, which is the gas that fuels the Internet, in addition to the entire world.
So really there’s just about no reason to ever ask a live human an embarrassing or stupid question ever again. The answer to anything you would really ever need to know, I guess except how to dye your poop a pretty color, is on the Internet, and I bet that’s on there somewhere, too. But I actually know the answer to that question: Eat beets.
Lizzie Velasquez, World’s Skinniest Woman.