Posted by
Mykel Board
• 01.31.12 01:00 am





It’s 1977: The Sex Pistols have stolen punkrock from New York and shipped it to London.




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It’s 1977: The Sex Pistols have stolen punkrock from New York and shipped it to London. They’re changing the fashion a bit. Making it more Carnaby Street… and at the same time, more offensive. That’s the idea of punkrock, ya know?

“Piss on your ancestors,” said proto-punker Patti Smith.

Only the Brits can make piss into a fashion. And what could be more piss-making than THE NAZIS? Something rude for every occasion. Sid Vicious walks down the stairs, at a very polite concert… in a Swastika shirt.

 

Flash ahead to 1986: My band ARTLESS is on tour in the South. We’re just leaving West Virginia. I wear a SKREWDRIVER T-shirt given to me by one of our hosts.

“Mykel,” asks Gavin [not McInnes], “can’t you find us some more fascists to stay with? Those guys fed us well, gave us clean beds, and didn’t keep us up all night playing Crass records. Those other guys, those anarchists we usually stay with… they’re filthy. The food is awful… and they won’t let us sleep.”

Flash ahead to 1995: The anarchist festival in Toronto. I stay at the house of MRR columnist Steve Beaumont. (A decade later he’ll be a world-famous beer writer.) Also at the house are a bunch of guys I don’t know from some band I don’t know. They’re funny and friendly. I’ve never seen them before.

“What’s the story on those guys?” I ask Steve.

“Oh Mykel,” he says, “you’re in for a surprise. That’s VEGAN REICH.”

The big guy in the band wears an even bigger t-shirt with MEAT IS MURDER stenciled on the front. He’s fiddling around in his backpack.

“Got it!” he says, taking out a box of something.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“It’s tofuburger mix,” he says.

“Yuck!” I answer. “I wouldn’t eat that shit in a million years.”

“That’s what you think,” he says. “Steve, get the camera.”

And he reaches for me.

I’m out the door… sprinting across the front yard… into the next yard. I can easily outrun this big guy, I think. I think wrong.

Blam! I’m on the ground. Tackled like some football player. Another guy from the band kneels over me. I can’t see him clearly. Things are a blur. I’m face up. The guy clamps my head between his knees. He reaches over my face and squeezes my jaw, forcing my mouth open. He does not open his fly and lower his turgid tumor into my mouth. Instead, the big guy, who’s faster than he looks, has that box of Tofu Burger Mix open in his hand. He pours it into my mouth.

It’s like he’s force-feeding me sand. Awful. Grains of tasteless nothing…filling my mouth…spilling over my cheeks…clustering first around then into my ears. I’m gonna suffocate. I can’t talk…breathe… nothing. I try to shake my head…turn away from the granular invasion. The other guy’s knees keep my head just where it is.

Then it’s over.

They let go of me. And they help me stand up.

I spit out the crap. Stick my fingers into my mouth to scrape the insides of my cheek. Steve is laughing behind the camera. The Vegan Reich guys are laughing. My piss-offedness turns to laughter. It really is funny.

 

Flash ahead to 2003: Two years after Al Qaeda (or SOMEBODY) drove a couple planes into the World Trade Center…and one into the Pentagon.

Suddenly, all Muslims have become terrorists in the eyes of America. More than that…everyone who wears a turban…Muslim or Sikh…Christians in Ethiopia wear turbans, for Allah’s sake…all have become THE ENEMY.

The enemy? Hey: it could be like Sid Vicious in his swastika shirt… singing My Way. What could be punker in the 21st century than becoming a Muslim?

 

—MYKEL BOARD


Comments
  1. WaxWingSlain says:

    Islam is just about the least punk rock thing on this planet.

  2. anonymous hater says:

    anyone with ” mohamad” in their name is pretty much a terrorist… Abu Amar Mohamad juhab etc.

  3. gabelord says:

    Yeah, nah.

  4. Shit4Brains says:

    So which Imam is GG Allin?

  5. Collin Bullshit says:

    What the first person said… times one billion. The snake handling, hillbillies of the Middle East. But just a tad less sophisticated.

  6. Anonymous says:

    By this logic, the Klan is actually the new punk rock, since they get far less sympathetic press than the Muslims.

  7. dragler says:

    vegan reich is one of thse political bands who are so wordy you wonder how they remember all the lyrics. chomsky core

  8. Sharif don't like it says:

    Muslims don’t drink alkehol so you’re right back at straight edge again.

  9. fffffffffffffff says:

    black people have known this for like 50 years now, get with it

  10. Anonymous says:

    Be sure to wish Mykel Board a happy birthday

  11. Lionel Hutz, Esq. says:

    No. Just no.

  12. Monkey says:

    Yes, what everyone else said.

    P.S. The hell is “a world famous beer writer”? Sounds made up.

  13. Steve says:

    Yeah, nothing says “punk rock” like drowning your family in a canal because your daughter wants to wear a miniskirt.

  14. gospel stomper says:

    hassan i sabbath maybe, eating hashish and assassinating enemies, pretty punk rock
    burroughs dug him
    nothing is true everything is permitted etc.

  15. BONERS! says:

    Runway Boners?

  16. Goat Sampson says:

    @Anonymous yeah the KKK is pretty punk, but they’re so lame. Cool outfits and all but underneath is nothing but a guy who’s wife got banged by a black dude. I’d go with Rednecks as the new frontier of punk. They get ridiculed by the press all the time. Just look at Cable TV. Mullets, body slamming gators, Camo hats, obnoxious “Intimidator” shades and mustaches. Jorts, guns. C’mon JORTS! Jumping shit off of shit into shit. Cheap beer and cheaper women. That’s punk.

  17. Anonymous says:

    This was just an excuse to tell a tour story. If it was titled Vegan Reich made me eat tofu I still would have read it.

  18. Anonymous says:

    seriously, who cares whats punk anymore, man. that shit died long ago, move on.

  19. man says:

    now that riech guy is in al quaeda
    sam mustafa or whatever


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