Posted by
Luke ONeil
• 12.20.10 12:00 pm


Despite what the breaking stories on the local news and your 12-year-old cousin might tell you, shark attacks are a relatively rare occurrence throughout the world.

Despite what the breaking stories on the local news and your 12-year-old cousin might tell you, shark attacks are a relatively rare occurrence throughout the world. The total number of attacks observed between 1990 — 2008 is a measly 843, which is roughly equivalent to the number of times you hear about it on the TV in one week whenever it happens. I grew up near Cape Cod with a natural fear of sharks, because, well Jaws. I used to be scared to even go in a swimming pool before I did a thorough check to ensure there weren’t any sharks lurking around — but then again I was a giant pussy as a kid and I used to swim with my t-shirt on so no one would see my kid-boobs.

In reality there were fewer than 2,000 shark attacks recorded between 1580 and 2003. They didn’t record shit so good back in 1580 though, so who knows how accurate those numbers are.

The point is, the odds of getting your pegs chewed off by a time-traveling dinosaur are far less than those of getting struck by lighting. Between 1959 –- 2009, 1951 people were cursed by Zeus for their hubris, while only 906 pissed off Poseidon. Only 23 of those dudes got dead. The International Shark Attack File, which sounds like a made-up thing, puts the odds of getting attacked by a shark at about one in 11.5 million. In comparison, your odds of being killed by a terrorist are only about one in 9.3 million — unless you’re a Republican grandmother, in which case it’s something like 1 in 2. Lately, if your an Egyptian in a goofy speedo at a resort beach, your odds of being attacked by a shark are more or less the same.

“Over the space of six days, sharks struck at swimmers in relatively shallow waters along a five-kilometre stretch of beach lined with some of the most exclusive hotels on the Red Sea Riviera,” reports the Calgary Herald. “Four people were maimed and a fifth was killed.”

So what’s the cause here? Is it a statistical anomaly? Is it because a bunch of cattle that were shipped in for some black magic ceremony were thrown into the water after they were done with them? Is it because overfishing of tuna has made hungry sharks grumpy? Or could it be something more insidious? Here’s a hint: What’s the one thing that both Republican grandmothers and Egyptians alike fear more than anything else in the world? Jews.

“Authorities have been scrambling to reassure tourists that the issue is under control,” writes Newsweek. “But the shark is still on the loose, prompting some Egyptian officials to accuse outside forces of sabotaging the country’s booming tourism industry.”

Those outside forces? Israel’s Mossad intelligence agency. “What is being said about the Mossad throwing the deadly shark (in the sea) to hit tourism in Egypt is not out of the question, but it needs time to confirm,” South Sinai Governor Mohamed Abdel Fadil Shousha said last week.

I think we can all agree that everything that has ever gone wrong in any Arab country is probably the fault of the scheming Jews, but have they mastered control of the beasts of the deep now too? The Israeli government has denied any connection, with Israeli foreign ministry spokesman Igal Palmor telling the BBC, “The man must have seen Jaws one time too many, and confuses fact and fiction.” But that’s just the type of thing they’d say if they were guilty too, isn’t it?

We may never get to the bottom of this sinister plot, because for now at least, it seems as if the danger might be over. If there’s one thing scarier than sharks, bullshitting Egyptian politicians and Jewish spies, it’s drunken Eastern Europeans hooligans. As far as science can tell, they remain the only true predator above sharks on the food chain.

This story, which I found on the Macedonian International News Agency, a site I check every day after Street Carnage, tells the story of the greatest hero in Serbian history since the inventor Nikola Tesla and Karadjordje Petrovic, who everyone knows was the leader of the first Serbian uprising against the dreaded Ottomans.

“Dragan Stevic of Serbia is the new Egyptian hero who killed a large shark which had previously terrorized numerous tourists (injured 4 and killed 1) at the famous Egyptian resort Sarm El Sheikh,” MINA reports. Apparently he was too drink to remember what happened, which doesn’t sound much like the Serbians I know, but his friend saw it all go down. Dragan (which sounds exactly like the name of a guy who slays monsters) and his bros were all wasted, and wanted to go for a quick swim, as bros do. He climbed onto a high diving board, launched himself into the sea like a fleshy missile and landed right on top of a shark, who was probably pissed he wasn’t swimming around with his mouth open and pointed up toward the sky at the time.

“Dragan was able to swim to the shore and told his friends he had twisted his ankle, telling them the water was not that soft,” continues reporter Pero Stamatovski in the article. The shark, he points out, was later found washed up dead on shore, adding: “The water is soft buddy, you just landed on a shark.”

One thing he didn’t address in the article? That surname Stamatovski. Sounds a little, eh, to me, if you know what I mean. Maybe the Mossad has a plant in the media and just wants people to think the danger has passed to lure more of them into the maw of danger? What do you think the odds of that are?

-LUKE O’NEIL
PutThatShitontheList.com


Comments
  1. homeless says:

    “the fearless hero is in a hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning”

  2. luke says:

    @homeless

    haha, I forgot to include that detail. amazing.

  3. Professor Mudbutt says:

    This sounds like the plot of a bad Serbian comedy.

  4. Ravachol says:

    It sounds fishy (ba-dum-pssh!) on the surface, but the shark story has been confirmed on Serbian-language sites for a while now. All hail Dragan, mighty shark-slayer!

  5. jollymonsing says:

    do those odds count people who are not in the ocean, or just total human population?

  6. Riddle of the Sphincter says:

    Any time you mention Egypt on this site, some wannabe comedian loser will go with that moniker. Get lost, you twat!

  7. Riddle of the Sphyrnidae says:

    I assert that the following information confirms your Serbspicions, and begs also the sore-thumb (and still-supressed!) question of B.H. Obxma’s natal origins…

    https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Sphyrnidae

    “In 2007, the bonnethead shark was found to be capable of asexual reproduction via automictic parthenogenesis, in which a female’s ovum fuses with a polar body to form a zygote without the need for a male. This was the first shark known to do this.”

    Anyone who cares about the future of Liberty should strongly (2nd amendmxnt, anyone?) resist this intolerable campaign of dis-insemination and outright inception!

  8. luke says:

    cool. thanks for sharing.

    @jollymonsing not sure how these studies tend to break it down. I think it means everyone ever. Obviously if you’re a deep sea diver you’re odds are a lot higher than a sprout farmer. Probably.

  9. Dudebrah says:

    Unless theres a flying shark with laserbeam’s on its head with a dinosaur riding it.
    That ups the odds quite a bit.

  10. Anonymous says:

    that was soolong. god stop it.

  11. fuckface says:

    why are you stealing material, word for word, from stephen colbert?

  12. luke says:

    I don’t watch Colbert, but you’re probably right, how could anyone have seen the humor in this situation, or anything really, without his help? If anything, we’re both guilty of stealing bits from obvious town.


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