Posted by
John Pittsley
• 07.03.17 08:00 am


It’s always disappointing to hear someone say, “Have a happy and safe 4th of July.” Our nation’s holiday should be loaded with booze and fireworks, and pushing it to the limit is key to having a good time.

Keeping safety in mind throughout the whole weekend is anything but fun. We all do enough of that shit everyday. The 4th of July should be a time to let loose and give ‘er good. The best way to do that is by not giving a fuck about safety. Seeing someone die from alcohol poisoning or lose a hand to fireworks always puts a little damper on the festivities, but putting safety above fun on our nation’s birthday is grounds for treason. The nature and safety conscious losers in Northern California couldn’t give a crap about any of that and have decided the Redwoods’ are all that really matter.

In an attempt to preserve the forests and the water supply, the nature loving dweebs out by Russian River decided to make fireworks illegal. Luckily, these gay little baby farts didn’t realize you don’t need fireworks to crank up the danger level while drinking. In fact, by making fireworks a big “No No” they’ve made it a whole lot easier to have a dangerously fun time while drinking and celebrating. All it takes is some water, a re-sealable container, and some dry ice.

Just fill the container halfway with water, add some dry ice, close the lid nice and tight, and toss that baby behind you like a fuckin’ banana peel. Within a few seconds or minutes that sucker will blow up like a cheap firework and scare the shit out of your party guests. If you’re really lucky and the temperature is just right, that bad boy won’t blow up till everyone’s completely forgotten about it and maybe even wandered back over to it. Some dweebs learn the chemistry involved and try to figure out the timing, but what’s the point in that? The point is to have fun and having shit randomly blow up is a great way to do it. Especially when there’s booze involved.

Being a rebel and breaking the law is definitely the more American thing to do, but when you’re hammered and wanna keep the party rollin’ it’s best nobody calls the cops. If your party is decent enough and there’s random shit blowing up all over the place, you obviously run the risk of that happening anyways. As long as there aren’t any fireworks and you have a sober friend who’s “turned his life around” there to explain what the explosions were, you should be good though.


  1. Ground Control To My Big Dong says:

    Fuckin-A right, John! My friends and I all made it out of our childhoods with all of our fingers intact. We never knew what “safe and sane” was. Already went and got me and the family a grip of illegal Chinese sky candy from the Paiute Injuns…

  2. Ground Control To My Big Dong says:

    Happy 4th of July, everybody! Remember, culture is downstream from genetics.

  3. Woodrow Wilson says:

    Fireworks are war

  4. raymi says:

    Fireworks are the beeeeeeeeeeest

  5. dfdfdfdfdsd says:

    “Being a rebel and breaking the law is definitely the more American thing to do”

    Don’t tell Gavin you wrote that, he’s Mr. law-and-order good late-in-life Catholic now. He HATES people breaking the law and LOVES police so much he buys “hunky Firemen” calendars to show his support. Gavin had his fun in his youth, but *everyone else* should abstain from pre-marital sex with Asian VICE interns. Do as Gavin says in the last 5 years of so, not as he spent 90% of his life doing. Self-important words and being on a high-horse matter way more than actions.
    Remember, you can do *whatever you want* as long as you say “sorry” on your deathbed (you can even just say it in your head, you don’t have to say it aloud and you don’t actually have to apologize to any person/people you wronged, you’re just saying a very general “sorry” and you are ABSOLVED).

  6. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    It’s all fun and games until someone invites Pugsley.

  7. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Pitts, come over to my house and I will gladly shoot Roman candles at you for an afternoon.

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