Posted by
Jim Goad
• 12.24.12 09:40 pm


Of the countless Big Lies a person will be told in their lives, the myth of Santa Claus is usually the first one.

Of the countless Big Lies a person will be told in their lives, the myth of Santa Claus is usually the first one. Impressionable, frail-minded toddlers worldwide are routinely fed the completely bullshit story that some white-haired, rosy-cheeked rotundo wearing an impossibly gay red fur suit is somehow able to deliver multiple presents to hundreds of millions of households during the course of one wintry evening every year.

And they wonder why some kids grow up to be serial killers.

At around age eight, I started wondering about the logistics of Santa’s yearly task and began grilling my mother about it. We were driving on a dark December evening when I continued to hammer on the idea that no matter how big Santa’s sleigh was, it couldn’t hold toys for all the world’s kids. Mom finally caved and admitted there was no Santa Claus.

I didn’t respond like a small faggot boychild and cry. I remember being pissed, though. I couldn’t understand what was so awful about telling the truth and admitting that my parents were the ones who bought me all those defective toys and socks.

So I haven’t thought much about Santa Claus since I was eight. But some men NEVER seem to get over him.

While I’m sure there are at least some well-adjusted adult males who choose to play Santa for children, I’d immediately have to question the motives of any grownup man who volunteers to have prepube asses sit on his lap all day long.

Because I am still hostile about the fact that my parents lied to me about Santa, I will do whatever I can to help tarnish the whole Santa myth. So grab yerself an egg nog, curl up by the fireplace, and enjoy with me these true stories of real-life men who’ve played and/or impersonated Santa Claus…and have been ARRESTED at some point in their lives, too!

For legal reasons, I should note that unless I specifically state they’ve been convicted of whatever crime for which they were busted, we are to presume they’re innocent. This is emphatically not to imply that, innocent or guilty, we can’t laugh at the circumstances surrounding their arrest.


SANTAS ACCUSED OF CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN
The crime annals teem with accounts of fat middle-aged men who somehow found time in their busy schedules to both portray Santa and abuse children–sometimes simultaneously.

Notable Santas accused of child abuse include:

-Zay Harold Jones, a 73-year-old who, even though he’d been charged with child sexual abuse in 1981 and sexual assault against a woman in 1991, was still permitted to play Santa Claus in 2004, when he was charged in North Carolina for fondling an eleven-year-old girl who’d been portraying his elf at mall appearances.

-John Michael Barton, 55, arrested in 2006 in South Carolina for dressing as Santa Claus and then abducting an eight-year-old girl from a gas station on his motorcycle, which featured a sidecar decorated with a stuffed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer toy. Barton was chased and captured before he could molest the child, which doesn’t necessarily mean he wouldn’t have tried. When you’re 55 and allegedly kidnapping eight-year-olds, your intentions can’t be all that pure.

-Ransford George Perry, 57, a black Wal-Mart Santa in Newburgh, New York, arrested in 2005 for allegedly exposing himself to, and requesting oral services from, a fifteen-year-old boy.

SANTAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT
-In 1983 in Chatham, England, a man playing Santa at “Santa’s Grotto” threw a punch at a young boy whom he claimed had acted disrespectfully toward him. His target ducked, and Santa hit the boy standing in back of him. “Santa lost his cool,” said a store representative after the arrest.

-In 2004 in Atlanta, Elkin Clarke, dressed at Santa, reportedly beat a 74-year-old woman unconscious with a 2×4 in front of appalled onlookers. The woman had been distributing religious flyers, but Clarke claimed she had stolen boxes of Hershey’s chocolates from him valued at $145. “She was stealing my stuff,” Clarke said. “I asked [her] ten to fifteen times not to touch my stuff.”

-In the German burg of Pfungstadt in 2001, a man playing Santa Claus was said to have become enraged when a group of children began asking to see what he was wearing under his red suit. He reportedly grabbed one nine-year-old boy, slapped him in the face, and locked him in a broom closet.

-In England in 1997, a Yorkshire department-store Santa reportedly slapped a young boy named Christopher in the face after the boy made the mistake of “questioning his legitimacy.”


MYSTERY SANTA ACCUSED OF SENDING OBSCENE LETTERS TO CHILDREN
-In 2007 in Canada, Ottawa’s postal service had to suspend its yearly “Write to Santa” program–in which children send letters to Santa at a designated postal box and volunteer postal workers reply as “Santa”–after what officials described as a “rogue elf” started sending obscenity-laced reply letters to children. “Your mom sucks dicks and your dad is gay,” read one letter. Another addressed the child as a “dumb shit,” while yet another called its recipient “a greedy little boy.”


INDIVIDUAL SANTAS ACCUSED OF PUBLIC UNRULINESS
-In Oklahoma in 2005, police arrested 53-year-old James Lahl after reportedly finding him dressed as Santa and beating on a street sign with another street sign he’d pulled out of the ground. An arresting officer says Lahl emitted a strong odor of alcohol.

-In Ocean City, Maryland in 2002, 42-year-old Charles Pierce was arrested while dressed in full Santa regalia and stumbling around on the street with a cup of beer. He told police he was “trying to bring smiles to peoples’ faces.” He later told a reporter, “I guess they hate Santa down here.”

-In the torn-to-shit town of Chester, PA in 2001, 57-year-old William Hatzell was driving while wearing a Santa outfit when a policeman, suspicious Hatzell had been drinking, stopped his car. Hatzell reportedly knocked over the officer with his car and peeled away. He was apprehended shortly thereafter, still dressed as Santa.

GROUPS OF SANTAS CHARGED WITH PUBLIC UNRULINESS
-In Auckland, New Zealand in 2004, an estimated gathering of 30 or so liquor-swilling Santas who’d convened for an event called “Santarchy” devolved into a drunken street brawl. “Police believed the Santas had been drinking since early morning,” reported one New Zealand paper.

-In San Francisco in 1995, an estimated 100 Santas stormed into the children’s section of the Emporium department store, reportedly “drinking beer, smoking marijuana, and shouting obscenities.” One female Santa flashed her breasts while parents scrambled to shield their children’s eyes.

-In London in 1981, two Santas appeared before a judge after they’d had a street-corner fistfight when they discovered they’d both arrived on the same corner to sell merch. “The fur was really flying,” reported an arresting constable.

-In Uniondale, NY, in 2003, a New York Islanders promotional gimmick provided free admission to everyone who showed up for the game dressed as Santa. Over a thousand Santas arrived. In between periods when the Santas were allowed out onto the ice, a violent melee lasting over six minutes erupted after it was discovered that two of the Santas were actually fans of the rival New York Rangers.

BANK-ROBBER SANTAS
-While child-diddling Santas and bank-robbing Santas run neck-and-neck in terms of sheer numbers, the bank robbers typically only wear Santa disguises instead of portraying Santa to gullible children. But bank robbers have used the Santa disguise for decades all over the country and the world. Accounts exist of bank-robbing Santas in Oregon, Texas, Michigan, California, Connecticut, and Pennsylvania. The ploy has also been used by foreign Santas in Germany, England, Poland, and, for some reason, multiple areas in Australia.

KILLERS DRESSED AS SANTA

-London police have yet to solve the 2005 murder of Sikandar Shaheen, a 25-year-old immigrant stabbed to death by a man wearing a Santa hat and beard who was spotted fleeing the apartment building at the time of the crime.

-The New York Times in 1921 reported the strangulation murder of a five-year-old New Jersey girl named Tessie Kurcharski, lured from the bar of her mother’s hotel into the room of George Gares, a 54-year-old man who’d told her he was Santa Claus.


PROTESTERS ARRESTED WHILE DRESSED AS SANTA
As if it isn’t annoying enough to be the type of person who takes to the street in protest of social injustices instead of, say, turning inward and enjoying as much sex and as many intoxicants as they can get their claws on, a few despicable souls choose to compound the annoyance by dressing as Santa Claus as part of their protest.

-Rochelle Regodon, a female PETA member dressed as Santa Claus, was arrested in 2004 outside a KFC outlet in Singapore after protesting on behalf of “Peace on Earth for Chickens.”

-At a Delaware mall in 2002, seven anti-consumerist activists picketing in favor of “Buy Nothing Day” were arrested for trespassing. One of the protesters was dressed as Santa. I say they all get the death penalty.

-In 2004 in San Francisco, four anti-death-penalty protesters were arrested, including 1960s Woodstock activist/clown Wavy Gravy, who was dressed for the occasion as Santa and really should be dead by now.

-In Manchester, England, in 2004, two members of “Fathers 4 Justice” dressed as Santa climbed a “Big Wheel” amusement ride to protest what they considered unfair legal treatment of fathers. They were, thankfully, arrested.

-In Ottawa, Ontario in 2007, a man dressed as Santa Claus was busted after he and a group of tree-huggers delivered lumps of coal to the Canadian Prime Minister’s residence in protest of his environmental policies.

THE SANTA CLAUS FLASHER
-In 2005 in Boston, Richard Mullen, 52, was handcuffed and transported away from a mall where he’d shown up dressed as Santa and allegedly proceeded to repeatedly expose his genitals to horrified mall-goers. Not much later, he was arrested for allegedly trespassing into the infants’ intensive-care unit at Boston’s Children’s Hospital while carrying a bag containing a red balloon and several condoms.

-JIM GOAD
twitter.com/jimgoad


Comments
  1. Anonymous says:

    you are such an amazing writer, but the content was second grade bullshit

  2. Bitch Made says:

    boring

  3. Gay Terrorist says:

    This totes shatters my belief system. If you tell me there’s no God, I’ll off myself (preferably with a rope around my neck and my cock in a peanut butter jar).

  4. disagree says:

    I found these stories to be both inspiring and uplifting.

  5. skull front says:

    santa lives. tell us more daddy

  6. Denholm Elliott says:

    you dummies forgot Louis Winthorpe III

  7. marbles says:

    thank you for this! it just made my day.
    also i’m still pissed at my parents about the Santa lie.
    when i confronted them about it, they swore it was true.
    and said they met him!

  8. todd says:

    Wait, what about last year when that guy killed his ex wife and a bunch of people at a christmas party? While dressed as santa! Did you forget?

  9. GiZZz says:

    These Santas are fucking renegades! High five!

  10. Danimal says:

    The woman beaten to death (who will be referred to from here on out as “that dumb cunt”) by a Santa in Atlanta ended up dying, just type the dude’s name to Google.
    I had several run-ins with that dumb cunt over the years. That dumb cunt was prone to calling women whores if they were wearing a dress that exposed their knees, would scream at complete strangers telling them to end their sinful ways and just generally harsh everyone’s mellow. Good fucking riddance I say.

  11. Harvey Dickhole says:

    When did Jim Goad become Bill Maher? And when did Street Boners become the Huffington Post?

  12. Todd is a faggot name says:

    You know something? I liked it so FUCK YOU

  13. Duane Reade says:

    All this article taught me is that Jim Goad can use Google.

  14. Kokomo Starr says:

    I gaped your girlfriend’s ass with a baster and shoved turkey stuffing into her mouth (she had a plush reindeer antler headband on) and she was drooling uncontrollably.
    And this was like ten minutes ago! Wonder how she’s doing now.

  15. streetbummers says:

    Yes! I miss the old Answer Me! style atrocity compendiums, more of this shit please.

  16. randylahey says:

    somebody beat me to it but im still surprised he missed that 8 person massacre. i thought maybe he was just pulling punches and then i saw the thing about the five year old getting strangled


Leave A Reply