Posted by
Brendan Donnelly
• 01.03.13 11:00 am


Happy New Year’s! I’m not really a resolutions type of guy, mainly because I have no will power whatsoever, and as a rebel without a single cause, I do whatever I want whenever I want.

I do make wishes though, and obviously all the wishes are purely selfish ones. I’ll leave the moral-based humanitarian wishes such as how to solve world hunger and poverty to people like Bono, Angelina Jolie, and bleeding-heart liberals who actually give a shit about the world and the less fortunate.

I did make one wish this year which was not based out of pure selfishness, but for the world in general. My wish is that the entire Kardashian family finally dies‑not individually, but all together like in Jonestown Massacre way. It will be the start of a new era and New Year. Hell maybe this is part of Kanye’s master plan and the birth of their demon media child is the 2012 apocalypse the Mayans were taking about all along.

Think about it, the entire family worships black guys, and Kanye’s the most successful black guy anyone in the family has been with, so they look up to him like cult leader Jim Jones. He received the approval to knock up the fat one, Mrs. K’s golden egg Kim, to add more money and power to the family estate. The more kids and marriages the family produces, the more money from magazines, Seacrest media, and all their stupid endeavors, to be left in trusts for future generations and I’m sure all the family members will leave their money to the demon baby since he’s already born a reality star and rap royalty. No one gives a shit about the other kids the sisters have produced because there’s not a drop of black blood in their children, so you know Kris and her children are leaving everything to the baby because Kanye said so. Once he leads them all to their new promised land estate in Calabasas he’ll order them all to drink the Kool-Aid and die as an act to purify themselves. By accident Kanye will drink the Kool-Aid and perish with them.

I think we can all agree that enough is enough with this family and the media’s obsession with them. Even if my wish of the family dying doesn’t come true, at least they can ALL go bankrupt and NO ONE can help them. I only know of the show (and watch for two minutes before leaving to care about reality) is because my girlfriend turns into a zombie when she watches the show. She even went to high school with Kim and the white-looking one and said that the Kardashians were her first exposure to plastic surgery. Can you fucking believe that? Her mom was getting them nose and breast jobs in high school to prep them for HER master plan of media domination. The only one I like is the snotty, preppie guy who wears flamboyant clothing and diamonds but is unemployed—no not Bruce Jenner, the guy Scott Dipstick or whatever is name is who is married to the kinda hot one.

OK, so enough about that, here’s a breakdown of their fantasy deaths if they decide to NOT follow through with Kanye West’s Calabasas Utopia. (I had to Google their names and placement in the family, FYI.)

Kris Jenner: The Earth literally opens and the three-headed dog that Roky Erickson sung about rips through the ground and drags her into the burning inferno. While serving her time in hell she is required to give back to the people. She is forced to return all the money back she has ever gotten from a magazine, product, networks, and all the brain cells she has wasted on us for the past five years, but she has to actually earn the money to do this. The only job in hell that can earn you a paycheck (a penny a day) is by doing bukkake sessions on a bed of nails, but the jizz is burning-hot so it melts the skin, plus it’s from the most evil and ugly people in the world.

Bruce Jenner: I like this guy and feel bad for him. He’s so clueless and depressed at what his life has become since he married into this family that I’ll spare him a rough death and stripping of all his gold medals and just let him die by battery malfunction. He is the adult version of Vicki from Small Wonder meets the ASIMO robot.

Kim Kardashian: Ass cancer and AIDS, obviously. She’s made a career based off her ass and her love of black dicks, so her slow and painful death will be watched and loved by the media. She contracts AIDS from a black rapper pre-Kanye who was on the DL, and she contracts ass cancer from too many camera flashes’ radiation hitting her butt. The baby is a stillborn and it too has ass cancer and AIDS. When she finally falls to the ground, it’ll be like when the Saddam statue was finally taken down by the Iraqi people in victory.

Khloe Kardashian: She’s believed to be the love child of O. J. Simpson or something like that Google told me, so she has a tiny bit of black blood, but it’s a rumor so she’s still a pure-blood Kardashian. She looks like a Sasquatch and always seen with big black guys, so her death is rape by a pack of Sasquatches that happen to be gangbangers. On a camping trip with Lamar, she stumbles upon a bodega in the woods. She leaves holding a bag of Doritos and is confronted by a pack of Sasquatches in Wu Wear and Rocawear and then all violently rape her in the forest and leave her for dead, American History X shower-scene style.

Kourtney Kardashian: She should die of a rare skin disease that causes the body to grow penises, kind of similar to the guy in Indian who is dubbed “Tree Man” from warts that resemble tree bark. The pain of the growing penises is too much for her to handle and she’s become such a scary sight that she’s been sent to a penile leper colony on a barge floating off the coast of Los Angeles.

Rob Kardashian: Viking funeral down the LA River. Bums from downtown kidnap him from the office where he’s designing socks and take him to the top of where the LA River begins. They pour Mad Dog 20/20 on his body, torch him, and prop him up in a rusting, Hepatitis-ridden push cart. People cheer on his torched body as it makes its way down the brown water, like a luge in the winter Olympics. Once he hits the ocean, sharks with AIDS ravage his body. Only thing that survives is his stupid tattoo arm sleeve, which floats to the surface and put on the walls of Planet Hollywood.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner: I think they are still teenagers so for legal reasons I probably can’t get too graphic. Buuuuut, I did seen an episode when they were 12 and pole dancing and the family encouraged it, so they die from being forced into prostitution and sex trade rings in India/Russia/Mexico. They are also “models” so the price tag on them is pretty high. Once the family loses their money and estates the family relies on them to prostitute themselves.

Brody Jenner: Ooooh, where to start with this ULTIMATE douche turd? Even though you’re only a half brother you’re still getting it. He was on a reality show about Malibu, was on The Hills, and had a reality show called Bromance. He also modeled and only dates other girls who are media whores. Well, Brody, since you care so much about being in front of the camera and in the public eye, we watch you get stoned to death on live TV. Copious amounts of weed laced with PCP, liquid acid and cocaine are smoked to the point of paranoia and bleed-outs. The weed is so strong it causes your lungs to bleed and you every time you fart, flames fly from your asshole. The farts cause internal bleeding while your intestines pour out of your asshole like sausage meat going into its protective skin.

 

That’s it. Can’t believe I wasted my morning writing about the Kardashian family. I still think it’s hilarious Kim wants a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If she gets it, the line to piss on it will wrap around the block for hours.

 

>—BRENDAN DONNELLY

 


Comments
  1. Anonymous says:

    Kris rode her car over the bones of a kind beautiful woman-Nicole Brown Simpson.

  2. aesk47 says:

    Good thing you don’t give a fuck about them. That way I don’t have to read your piece on how you don’t give a fuck about them.

  3. Jim norton is unfunny says:

    Snoooooooooooooooozzzzze.

  4. Ring Kodney says:

    Evening, whuuurs.

  5. BigDanTheRichMiner says:

    This was excellent. Anyone who disagrees wants is a faggot farm

  6. CJ says:

    The Roky Erickson song was “Two Headed Dog.” I was trying to hang in there until you fucked that up.

  7. brendan donnelly says:

    thanks bigdan.
    the rest of you commenters should try writing some original material before you give a negative comment on what i do.


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