Posted by
Francisco Murphy
• 05.31.13 09:00 am

There I was, first day out of the Academy.

Some special unit had arrested some dirtbag for firing off an “assault” rifle in the wee hours of the morning at actual people, their cars, homes, and a news helicopter. He was in a holding cell. The detectives in charge tasked my training officer to get him booked for ADW (assault with a deadly weapon). So shit rolls downhill and he tells me, “All right, boot, strip him and then book him.”

Sure! Wait, I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!? My first day, my first official police act, and I have to strip-search some guy? Welcome to the big city, Francisco!

We have to strip-search an arrestee when either a) the charge has to do with weapons (these assholes have been known to keister weapons); b) the charge has to do with drugs; or c) they have either weapons charges or drug charges on their rap sheets. And it’s always an officer of the same sex, unless it’s the odd Ohio town.

The strip search was pretty uneventful, but thinking of my first strip search got me to remembering the reason I fucking hate these. It’s because more than half the time you’re dealing with a gross, disgusting, fucking Los Angeles transient who is fully nude. Think this, only worse. Or this, only worse!

You’re never really the same after strip-searching this guy or any of his friends. It isn’t just your eyes that get raped, it’s also your sense of smell! AND TASTE! Ever come across something so smelly you can taste it? Welcome to my life.

Women coppers have it way easier. First, you have the whole prevalence of lesbian coppers. There are not nearly as many male homosexual officers as lesbian cops. Without doing a whole Steve Sailer by-the-numbers thing, I can tell you with absolute certainty that the males we arrest in LA are infinitely more disgusting than the females. Somehow I don’t see this issue of inequality ever getting addressed.

Thank God for seniority. Ten-plus years means something like 70% of the department has less time on than me.


  1. WOW says:

    wow so fascinating. great story bro. tell it again please.

  2. robbie dillon says:

    Good article. Always interesting to see things from the cop side. When I used to get strip-searched I used to put on my faggiest voice and gyrate my hips like I was working in a gay strip club. The cops used to get so pissed. I told my friend what I did and he was worse. He would shake his dick at them and ask them if they wanted to touch it. They chained him up to the cell door with his feet just barely touching the ground and then slammed the door so his face would slam into the bars. It was all very S&M. I’m sure they got the idea from whatever bath house they were hanging out in after work.

  3. Raymi says:

    Lost you on twitter but it’s a no go I guess?

  4. lonely sally says:

    “…dirtbag for firing off an “assault” rifle in the wee hours of the morning at actual people, their cars, homes, and a news helicopter”

    Do you support stricter regulation of assault weapons?

  5. lonely sally says:

    So from my comments everyone understands I wish that attractive men were attracted to me.

  6. Robbie – Good heavens, why on earth were you getting strip-searched so much? If anyone pulled that on me, I’d probably laugh it off so long as they wasn’t bodily fluids involved. Or touching.
    That’s some stone-cold torture used on your friend. Good God things are different in other countries! When it happens here, it’s national news (Abner Louima).

  7. CHIEF – I do not.
    I put “assault” in quotes because it’s kind a made up word. I think he was actually firing off a SAR or an AK74 or something. All these regs and laws didn’t keep one out of this drunken asshole’s hands, just mine and anyone else out there who is law abiding.

  8. oh for crying out loud, “assault rifle” is a made up term I mean. Apologies.

  9. Mealium says:

    F-man – seeing as you leech off taxpayers as a part of the government apparatus, aren’t you part of the problem?

  10. robbie dillon says:

    Hey Francisco, up here in Canada it became a thing to get stripped searched before being put in the holding cells. I guess it was during the era when everyone had a stash of coke or a flap on them. We were only fifteen, sixteen years old back then and things were a little different. The last time I got busted, they came to ask me questions. I just stopped them and said “Look, I know you have a job to do, but I don’t want to waste your time. I have nothing to say and that’s not going to change.” And the guy just shrugged and walked away. I was a bit stunned. In the old days a cop once picked up a 14 year old kid I knew by the belt and the collar of his shirt and just swung him head first into the side of one of those big industrial steel cop desks. The best part was the guy didn’t even do the score. Someone had taken his baseball hat to do an armed robbery and tossed it in the garbage, not realizing his Mom had sewn his name into it.

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