Posted by
• 06.27.09 03:21 pm

The winner of the Literary Death Match was Lisa Suckdog, hands down. She took something as esoteric as getting fired for discussing piss-drinking and turned it into an inspiring manifesto anyone can get excited about. Namely, why is everyone such a pussy?

The winner of the Literary Death Match was Lisa Suckdog, hands down. She took something as esoteric as getting fired for discussing piss-drinking and turned it into an inspiring manifesto anyone can get excited about. Namely, why is everyone such a pussy? American Anarchists go to demonstrations with their faces covered while Iranian students talk straight to the camera telling barefaced truths. All these anonymous commenters are so petrified of being identified they’re actually doing Big Brother’s work for him, hiding in the shadows like closeted homos at Oral Roberts University.

Anyway, that’s not exactly what she said. This is exactly what she said (add hecklers in your head for authenticity)…

This week, I got fired by a SEX MAGAZINE for describing what pee tastes like.

The editor found that not “relatable” enough to preserve their “delicate relationship with the advertisers.”

What? Like people who buy cars and coats don’t want to know what pee tastes like?

That’s ridiculous! Everyone wants to know! That’s what they read for!

Have you noticed how crappy and recycled and watered down and mysoginist and DUMB magazine articles are these days?

We are in a climate of unnamed fear where everyone tries to guess what everyone wants, or doesn’t want, and no one just DOES what they DO want.

There is NO relationship anymore between art and business, delicate or otherwise. Everyone is on the same side: writer, publisher, editor, advertiser, backer, reader: the side of money. Of not offending.

My friend Mike Edison said to his editor at SPIN: “Why do you even hire writers anymore? Why not just let the publicists write the stories — that’s what ends up happening anyway.”

He WAS writing for SPIN until he said that.

I WAS writing for Nerve until I said what I said about urine, and when they told me to tone it done, I would not back down. The world needs to know! Please don’t drink the first pee of the day. Nor after the pee-er has taken B-vitamins. Tender mouths everywhere will greatly benefit from that warning.

You know how you can be in an abusive relationship for YEARS and never be SURE it’s abusive? And then one day they beat you up, and you’re so happy because now it has physical dimension, now it really happened. They did something bad to you. You’re not crazy.

Well, that’s what happened in late 2008 to make me realize the abusive muffling of the writer really WAS happening. I walked out of the gynecologist’s and two men followed me to my car. One looked like the cop in The Terminator — lean, craggy, penetrating ice-eyes. The other was nerdy in a white shirt and tie; he hung back. The icy one said, “Secret Service,” and handed me his card.
It had the state seal and raised, blue lettering.
I was so excited. An article I’d written about my boyfriend’s Enron-like ways had brought this very REAL misfortune on my head.
Ice-Eyes said, “We’d like to talk to you about So-and-So.”

I met So-and-So exiting a Mercedes Benz S-class in a P. Diddy suit, ICQ glasses, toting a satchel with 16 guns in it. We were going shooting. And then we had $200 a glass champagne.

I grew up on welfare with a dad in and out of prison. I left home at 16, burrowed into the underground, dated schizophrenics, and never once had a normal job in my whole life. I never cared what anything looked like or what the rest of the world considered status.

Meeting So-and-So was so thrilling to me, so new. This hunter, this polluter, this hyper-masculine cigar-smoking surface-dweller. I fell madly in love.

Sex with So-and-So was interesting. He is not a liberal, if you know what I mean.

That was 2007, when things were just starting to fall apart in the arts. It’s good I had something to distract me, because my world was imploding. Freelancers had to go back to being teachers, editors now did the job of three editors AND all their writers. Everyone was bewildered. No one wanted what I had to say anymore, because I’m pretty shameless, that’s all I know how to do, and suddenly everyone felt… not ASHAMED exactly, but… wary. There was no room for me.

The collapse of our DIY civilization was all so ephemeral, so euphemistic. No one would come right out and say what was happening: self-censorship. That’s why the ’08 Secret Service visit was so satisfying to me. It, and my friends’ reactions, made everything REAL.

Ice-Eyes asked me if I was married to So-and-So, and I said No, why?

He said, “I’m glad to hear that, because that means I can call you to the grand jury.”

I saw the Sopranos episode — that’s a fallacy. Being married to a criminal does not protect you from testifying against him. I said, “What are the charges?”

He said, “Against you? None. Yet.”

What a manipulative creep! I meant against So-and-So! I didn’t do anything! All I did was write an article! Ice-Man went on: “There are a lot of victims involved, Lisa. So-and-So is a well-known con artist and a dangerous man. He has several exit strategies in place. Are you aware that your boyfriend has almost one million frequent flyer miles? Ask yourself: Why would someone rack up that many? Now, I need you to keep this conversation between us. Don’t tell ANYONE. Call me when you’re ready to talk.”

It’s funny, but that tell-no one thing does work. Just like every writer I know is being hit with the veiled threat of “maintaining our delicate relationship with the advertisers” and they say nothing.

When you repeat the implied threat out loud, it dissipates into the thin air that it really is. What are the advertisers going to do if you go ahead and publish what pee tastes like? Pull their ads?

Same thing with the Secret Service. If you speak up about them following you around and harassing you, what are they going to do? Lock you away? It’s EXPENSIVE to keep people in jail. They can’t put EVERYONE there.

No, they rely on fear to cause US to police EACH OTHER — to do their job of censoring and fear-mongering for them. And that’s exactly what is happening.

Of course I, having a big mouth, immediately told everyone I know.

I belonged to this internet group of independent filmmakers, writers, radicals, feminists. I told them about the Patriot Act and how the Secret Service can come in your home or in your office and photograph your stuff and tap your phone without a warrant, without ever telling you.
And these people — my friends — told me to shut up. They didn’t want our group to come under the attention of the government. So-and-So has never even been charged with anything! This internet group complains all day about censorship, stupidity, the government. Right up until trouble comes to their door.

So-and-So and I were disinvited to another friend’s wedding. We already bought them their stupid warming plates on their Bed Bath & Beyond registry! The bride was afraid the Secret Service would show up.
They probably would have, too. Those guys are always showing up at weddings and funerals. I would love that to happen at my wedding! Or funeral.

I tried to sell the story to all the places I’d been working for — National Public Radio, NY Times, Toronto’s the Globe & Mail. No one wanted to touch it.

I refused to speak ever again to any one of those people who took the side of the bullies against the bullied. Even slick CEOs like So-and-So are innocent until proven guilty. Because it is the ones who allow being silenced to happen who are truly evil, in my book.

The Secret Service, the advertisers, the police, the conglomerate corporations — they’re all just doing their jobs. They are who they say they are.
OUR job — the citizens, the artists, the LOVAHS — is to question, to safeguard reality, to keep our neighbors’ freedom, and strangers’, and that of people we don’t like. That’s the balance: Their side is supposed to pull at freedom, and we are supposed to push back. Instead, all around me, I am seeing the open-minded half of society truly nervous for the first time in our lifetimes and, for the first time in our lifetimes, shutting our own mouths and others’.

The self-love, the bravery, the in-your-facery that made America great in the way it was great…. Walt Whitman, Anne Sexton, flappers, expatriates, talk shows — that all came from the boldness of being a nation on the ascent. This is the descent, and we don’t know how to do it; we don’t have the manners that helped the Brits retain grace while losing their empire. Confused, we look for enemies… who did this to us? This is how the police state begins. From within.

It has become a cowardly world. WE DON’T HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. Fear is a self-created, self-sustained mirage. We can walk out of it.
Without advertisers, we won’t starve. We’ll work out some method of distribution. Human beings need art, need ideas! We don’t need much money to live. But without US, they — the advertisers, the government — WILL starve. They need ALL our money, and all our fear, to keep their giant machine running. THEY need to accept OUR terms! Don’t be a collaborator in your own demise. We can say and do anything, be what we want. Fuck business! They need us. We don’t need them. Fuck silence!
Live Free Or Die!
And by die, I don’t mean us. I mean them.
Viva La Literary Death Match!
The Truth is dead!
Long Live Death!

And this was my reaction as a judge


  1. vegan jules says:

    yeah but she fucks a scumbag. She marries a scumbag. You don’t see her dating some rebellious, flippin-the-bird to society dude like me.

  2. Cole Slaw says:

    There might be factual critiques of the article, but making a game of who’s more counter culture is pretty stupid. Eat a vegan brownie, the kinda big people are talking.

  3. paul says:

    pretty good. but i think she misses erroneous to imply that artists lacking integrity is something new… its been around.

  4. Chelsea says:

    Loved this, thanks for posting it.

  5. SHITCOCK says:

    This was OK, but it was very much what I expect to read from a college sophomore who’s “so over” all his/her socialist friends.

    That said I would still fuck her just for the sheer fact that I know she’s up for watersports.

  6. omg sooo randum says:

    whos so and so? Im assuming the American Apparel guy?

  7. vegan jules says:

    I’ll have you know that other than being vegan, I do plenty of anti-society stuff that is very counter culture. Just turns out vegan is el numero uno.

    God I wish Gavin could ban me from this fucking site.

  8. vegan jules says:

    also, did you know that the feds keep track of whether or not you ordered a vegetarian meal on an international flight?

    They know who the real revolutionaries are. Y’all are just drinkin, doin coke, and fucking.

  9. SHITCOCK says:

    Being a vegan is counterculture in the same way that being pro-life is. Yes you’re a minority but you’re also a faggot.

  10. Fernando says:

    Queue up Ned Beatty’s speech in Network about the unassailable might of money.

  11. lol@u says:

    Good speech and very true. I would disagree on the England falling gracefully thing. I was over there a month ago and they are fucking pathetic. All they do is whine all day. Especially the bums. It’s 60 fucking degrees out and they are shivering in a heap on the ground going “it’s so cold, so cooooooold”. I kept saying to them “please sir, could you spare a shilling” in my terrible English accent. That pissed off more than a couple, but they are all a bunch of pusses. And their tv is awful. Always a bunch of people whining, “I’m on the dole and so fat and me mum wants me to go to school but I’m too fat to leave my house.” They are all getting assraped by their government and wouldn’t lift a finger to stop it. And Heathrow, fucking god, you think security is bad here? Try 4 searches before you board your plane, and searches by the most retarded morons you ever met. We had a tiny thing of water from the city of Bath and one idiot spent an hour questioning my girlfriend “where’s Bath?” “In England.” “I’ve never heard of it.” “You’ve never heard of Bath? Are you English?” Guy hasn’t even heard of one of the most famous places in his own damn country. And he’s in charge of “keeping it safe”? What a joke.

  12. 2 cents says:

    Do some sit ups Gavin. You look like a goddamned slob.

  13. rakit says:

    drinking, doing coke, and fucking are like, TOTALLY the worst

  14. Miss Daphne says:

    Congratulations on your win! I loved the article! I AGREE WITH EVERY WORD! Recently I covered a local animal abuse case (a group of snowmobile riders mangled a herd of deer with their machines) that had ties to an unsolved “hit and run.” I learned through further investigation that it was a cold-blooded murder of a 20 year old man. I was warned against printing the story by publishers, people in the community, my friends and family, and local officials. The individuals involved practice threat and intimidation to keep their actions quiet. The officials would be furious to be called out for their inaction. Local reporters kept the story bland and tucked away on the back pages. I refused to be fucked with by a bunch of wimps and wrote up the story. Publishers claim advertisers don’t want this sort of report because it’s a “downer.” A daring editor just ran the piece. Two graphics guys made a stunning cover in a few hours. He literally just stuffed it in when the paper was at the printers and told them to run with it. Because of the article, which was a front page piece shown on the news as the breaking point in the case, a new investigation is under way and there will be a change of venue to help prosecutors avenge an unsolved murder.

    If writers are subject to the whims of publicists, advertisers, and marketing goons, the fun stuff (What DOES pee taste like?) and the life or death stuff gets whitewashed by the money stuff. Oddly enough, the article caused such a local stir that they sold out of papers, the office was bombarded with calls for more, and new advertisers signed on. Sometimes when you let the writers do their damned jobs everyone wins!

  15. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    lol@u: no one knows where bath is because no one gives a shit about where it is.

  16. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    why is getting fired for discussing piss drinking esoteric? thats about as self-explanitory as it gets. have you fooled yourself that gonzo is just people doing normal stuff but with more swearwords?

  17. xavier says:

    why would anyone want to date a “rebellious, flippin-the-bird to society dude like me”

    shut up vegan jules you aint shit.

  18. Anonymous Asshole says:

    @ 2 Cents:

    laugh it up fuckface. some of the punkest punks have guts or are totally fat. I bet you wack off to Men’s Health magazine faggot.

  19. cabronsito says:

    Yeah this article certainly rings truce, but that fact of the matter is that print is in its final days and this thing called the internet exists where anyone with an idea, original or otherwise, can say whatever the fuck they want.

  20. 2 cents says:

    @ anon asshole
    Some of the punkest punks are total faggots who jerk off to men’s health, hetero.

  21. jimbo says:

    Wait, let me get this right…She whining and claiming the secret service is after her because her husband did shady business dealings and had 1,000,000 frequent flier miles? Are you kidding me? No one wanted to touch the story because she sounds like one of those loony weirdos carrying signs in union square park about how the cia is after her. She sounds either schizophrenic or like a pathological liar. And since when does the secret service investigate conman or corrupt CEO’s? Either i missed the point or she’s a moron.

  22. lcc says:

    Since 9-11, SS investigate fraud, etc. What, you got a problem with Philip K. Dick, too?

  23. Yoo No Hoo says:

    I seem to remember Boyd Rice was investigated by the SS for writing to Manson, but that didn’t stop Princess here from filing domestic-violence charges against him that were laughed out of court in Colorado.

    Fight the power when it makes you look cool! Abuse the power when you’re going through a nasty breakup!

  24. Princess says:

    I DID break up with the CEO. I break up with people all the time; what does that have to do with anything?. Boyd brought a bullet into prison when he was visiting Manson. Boyd didn’t get anything but tossed out. Manson got all the trouble from that silliness. So Boyd’s story now is that the domestic violence charges got laughed out of court? He WAS denying on his website that he went to court at all until he found out I had the subpoena and all.

    And Jimbo! The SS also followed my very young son and said crap in front of him, got my unlisted number, created reckless driving ticket (automatic suspension of license) just for pulling out of a Rite-Aid parking lot by calling in a favor with local PD. I didn’t say any of that because that WOULD make me look like a loon. Half the reason people get away with pulling this crap is because people accuse people of making it up. All kinds of crazy stuff goes on; how have you avoided it all? What do you not do?

  25. Jim Goad says:

    Hi! Long time to talk!

    Like I said, it was “Yoo No Hoo,” and she knew.

    The reason I used a pseudonym is because I promised Gavin I wouldn’t publicly criticize his other contributors, which is why I used a pseudonym to call Beckles a “lazy coon” a little while back. I’m sorry for calling him that. Technically, he’s a lazy HALF-coon.

    Since THAT’s now in the open, it wasn’t exactly hard-hitting, truth-digging journalism, Gav, to publish that article about “too long.” You and Beckles use pseudonyms all the time. I actually know the two pseudonyms you use to support things you say in your own articles, and you’ve forwarded me info about how Beckles always uses pseudonyms to whine about how Beckles is always getting “lynched” on here.

    Way back when the site started, I used a pseudonym or two to argue in favor of points made in articles I’ve had posted on here. Guilty as self-charged. Although it’s possible, I don’t recall ever saying anything about how “great” the articles were; I was only arguing about specific points that I thought people misrepresented. Still, it’s gay and lame and weird to do things like that. And I would also post sometimes as “Cybercop,” calling other people out for posting poo-poo comments about me under twelve different pseudonyms, all of them “agreeing” with their other pseudonyms. So on that tip, we’re all hypocrites, and maybe the best thing is to wrangle WordPress into forcing people to use one screen name per IP address.

    But at least in this case, I was using a pseudonym because I’d made a promise to Gavin that he could maintain an illusion of solidarity and create a false impression that any of us like one another.

    So, anyway, “LCC”:

    I didn’t mention anything about you breaking or not breaking up with the CEO—actually, I skimmed over that part of your story very quickly—so as you implied, it doesn’t have anything to do with anything. I was referring to when you and Boyd split up.

    I haven’t spoken with Boyd in years and years and years, so I’d have no idea what he’s saying about that case “now.” Not too fond of Boyd for many reasons.

    Here’s what he told me directly after you two split, and even thought I don’t like the guy now, I—especially after my experiences with the legal system and how women tend to act during breakups—tend to believe him. He said you had a habit of waking him up. He said on the day in question, you woke him up deliberately even after he’d explained he really needed to sleep. He said he picked you up and spun you around a couple times, screaming that he told you not to wake him up.

    Then he said you called the cops, alleging you’d been violently assaulted. He said you accused him of doing more than picking you up and spinning you around. From memory, you fled out of Colorado and didn’t re-appear until you went into court to testify against him. And according to Boyd and a few others I know, the charges were immediately dismissed due to what appeared to be an almost-comical lack of evidence.

    I also know that when I got arrested for a case that had astronomically ludicrous mitigating circumstances, your only public comment on the case was, “He has a problem with authority, and it seems to be getting worse.” So, at least when it comes to any male being accused of any misdeed against any female, you’ve given me good reason to form an impression that you’re FOR THE MAN all the way.

    You can rail about THE MAN all you want, LCC. But you haven’t had to deal with his truly nasty side to anywhere near the degree that I have.

    I’ve committed all sorts of felonies in my life. According to estimates, 70% of Americans have. I’ve actually been charged with felonies twice in my life. Both times, I had committed crimes. And both times, the accuser embellished the story and outright lied about crucial elements. In one case, the accuser lied about scratching me in the face and punching me in the nose to get the whole event rolling. In the other case, the guy lied and said I used a lead pipe to hit him instead of my fists, which changed the charge from a misdemeanor to a felony.

    The reason we have a court system at all is because people make things up.

  26. Dork says:

    I had something really snappy to say and then this ^^ shit shows up. Wha…

  27. Dork says:

    Not to say that it wasn’t extremely entertaining, because it really is entertaining as hell!

  28. Jim Goad says:

    I’ll be the first to scold myself for a typo in the first sentence of my post up there. I had meant to write, “Long time NO talk!” Instead, I took a very long time TO talk.

    When I referenced Boyd and Manson, it related to when BR was living with the “Lords of Chaos” guy. It had something vaguely to do with a perceived threat one of them had allegedly made against George Bush, Sr. I had no idea LCC was involved in what was seems like another Boyd-Manson-FBI scandal.

    I agree 100% with LCC’s point that advertisers are what ruined American journalism and that the process has escalated. My writing and advertisers have always been very, very, very, very bad for one another.

  29. Iceberg Lettuce says:

    Mr. Goad, also the 7th paragraph has a thought instead of a though.

  30. Dear Goad: says:

    I have spent $75,000 in and out of court for the last five years, so don’t tell me anything! I have confidentiality agreements and it has nothing to do with anything you know anything about. However, yeah, when someone (um… Boyd) is in withdrawal/hallucinating/substituting other drugs, it doesn’t pay to wake them up, but what woke him up was me screaming because his son was choking because it was his night to watch him and when I was in the other end of the house working he was passed the fuck out while his son turned blue. Everything that happened happened in front of his kid. Whatevs. I could repeat all the things Debbie told me about you, but who knows what happens in the bedroom? It’s a weird place, the bedroom in the middle of the night. Anyway, I WASN’T railing about THE MAN in this article. That was the whole point. I was railing at my peers, mostly females.

    You know I always loved you, Jim, I still do.

  31. vegan jules says:

    since when does a woman who’s a former prostitute have connects at the NYTimes? Not that I’m scolding. That’s quite ballsy to admit. But hey people, the type of behavior you’re describing does strike me as particularly feminine. I think women are one of the huge conformist forces in our society. Why do you think more women are employed in Manhattan then men? Why do straight males have such a hard time with it? Have you read/seen “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People?”

    Anyways, what the fuck, what a mess? This is a great article, and so is Jim’s behind the scenes stuff. I was actually worried about an eventual altercation with Jim but now that I know he’s got two felonies, fuck it, that panty-wearing, vegan-phobic bastard ain’t doin shit to me. I’ll bust a fuckin lead pipe on him–and lie about it! (I’m just kidding dude.)

    Also nice that streetcarnage staff are at least pretending to hate each other. That makes me feel better cause I know Gavin despises me. (who fucking cares right?)

    We need to increase the peace y’all. This internet is nothing but hate :(

    I feel sorry for anyone harassed by the Secret Service (are we calling them SS now, wasn’t that the nazis?). I wanna know more…yum yum. Court sucks.

    Could you expand on this “I was railing at my peers, mostly females.”?

    “I hate white women like OJ Simpson”–Team Facelift

  32. one other says:

    I saw this guy on Oprah like two years ago and he said the problem with America is that it is no longer comfortable being uncomfortable. This is true. Unfortunately i don’t think it’s going to change.

    As long as we have a president who is wildly popular for throwing billions of tax dollars into failing businesses to avoid having to face the consequences of decades of poor decision making, rampant selfishness and just basic nihilism, there will be no accounting for our mistakes, no reckoning, no responsibility. The Baby Boomers just keep on pushing the sad reality of this situation further and further into the future, hoping they’ll die before the shitstorm begins.

    In the meantime, there is precarious balance between trying to avoid talking about this (which challenges many of our fundamental beliefs, values, and assumptions), and at the same time trying to scrape by as best we can, to tell ourselves that it’s only a recession, it’s a valley and the next hill will come soon. And yet, deep in our hearts, we know it isn’t true.

    I feel incredibly sad for my generation, which will have to face all of these challenges alone, fighting against a society which would rather pretend these problems don’t exist. This entire article shows how even when a media is ‘free’, there are still pressures, even if they are silent and unspoken, from our friends and employers instead of the government or ‘The Man’.

    When I think about all of this shit, I just feel incredibly lost.

  33. Anonymous Asshole says:

    @ 2 Cents:

    good point.

  34. Lou Reed says:

    Being able to avoid confrontation is a luxury only the most affluent cultures can afford

  35. Jeremy Williamson (definitely my real name) says:

    On the original topic, this “fuck you anonymous commenters” shit from Gavin is pretty rich, considering how often he writes as Christi Bradnox.

  36. Colonel Shank says:


  37. white power says:

    get a job. live under the radar. don’t hurt or abuse other people. do what you want. it ain’t all that hard.

  38. beej says:

    Nice one, both of you. The author of the article / speech, and the judge-guys comment at the end.

    Well done.

  39. miss appalachian says:

    Great points here, could have done w/o jim goad’s nasty ad hominem attacks. Can’t you compliment somebody w/o burying them first, ya salty bastid?

  40. Pneumer says:

    I’ve admired Lisa’s lucubrations for years. A previous article Lisa published gives some background that makes the eventual arrival of the SS seem very likely. Glad that Goad (who I’ve also been quite entertained by as well) agrees with the advertising connection. Though he and Lisa are not complicit in the sorts of selling out described here, I know there’s an audience for them. Hope to see more of their carnage here.

  41. jax ross says:

    “Live Free Or Die! And by die, I don’t mean us. I mean them”

    …. this is why lisa is my bridesmaid!

  42. sarah says:

    you are an amazing writer…. i love it!

  43. […] then yeah, cover your face. But if you’re not, grow some balls. As Lisa Carver pointed out, “They rely on fear to do their job of censoring and fear-mongering for them.” This seemingly small detail is actually indicative of a much bigger split in the anarchist […]

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