Posted by
Gavin
• 03.16.09 12:00 pm


I thoroughly unenjoy interviews. The questions are always the same fucking boring bullshit where the interviewer is totally uninformed or off on some total tangent that has nothing to do with what they’re interviewing.

I thoroughly unenjoy interviews. The questions are always the same fucking boring bullshit where the interviewer is totally uninformed or off on some total tangent that has nothing to do with what they’re interviewing. This Canadian art magazine interview is a good example of the formal and this Jossip interview done by our own Drew Grant is a good example of the ladder.

After I sent back the first round of answers Drew explained that this was going to get her in shit with her boss as it was unfit to print and left a hole in the day’s schedule. This made me feel dirty inside so I tried answering the questions without drinking rage-ahol. That failed. So I tried a third time as sarcastically as humanly possible. This is what I should have done in the first place and the whole experience reminded me of the alchemist powers of sarcasm. It converts an entire universe of shit into a golden stomping ground where the worse something is, the more fun it is to ruin.

Here’s the non-sarcastic route (note the high bummer factor)…

1.Street Carnage, you said yourself is up to “offend as many of you as possible,” but is there any mission beyond that sort of snarky disassociation?
To be a wild, stupid, magical, warm place where you can move around with ease and make people feel good in the process. I guess it’s like a vagina in that regard.

2.Given that you’ve created this cult following using mostly your writing, you’re someone uniquely aware of the power of words. So why use “fag” and “Paki” so often? Please answer without using phrases like “to shock people” or “shake up the system” or any stock answer like that.
Did some gay Pakis put you up to this? “The power of words” is college speak and you don’t often hear people talk like that after, say, 24 years of age. I think I said “Paki” once out of 603 Boners and the “gay, fag, etc” shit might put Hillary Duff in a huff but it’s how people talk. Besides, outside of farts, it’s pretty much the backbone of comedy. Sorry.

3. Do’s and Don’ts, and now Street Boners is the funniest part of your repertoire. They’re funny, and you offend all the right people to have a reputation for being fringe, but don’t you think it’s extremely lazy to target the obvious cultural/fashion/gender stereotypes? Isn’t that almost mainstream?
What is this, “60 Minutes”? Are you following me from my office and sticking a microphone in my face because I said “fag”? You are such a fucking gaylord, it makes my thoughts barf. What do you think we do, go around yelling, “Ha ha, that guy is so dark-skinned.” or “Ha ha. What a fat, ugly bitch!”? I choose my targets you stupid, fucking, cunt and I don’t to it to do because that’s what’s right. I do it because it’s not funny to pick on people who don’t deserve it. Think about it for two seconds. You just said it’s funny. Then you said it’s picking on innocent people. You can’t have it both ways shit for brains.

Also, do you honestly still believe the “mainstream” picks on “obvious cultural/fashion/gender stereotypes”? Huh? You think According to Jim had an episode called “What’s With Gay Pakis”? Are you seriously this retarded or are you just asking questions you think your adolescent readership would want you to ask? Jesus Fucking Christ. You are the one obsessed with this shit. You’re the one with a problem. That’s why you grab this needle out of the haystack and stick it into you arm going, “Aaaaah injuuuuustice. What a great angle for an interview about pant jokes.”

4. You love being an asshole (don’t lie). Is this a character you’ve created for yourself, or did you just happen to find a good niche and exploit it?
Fuck this interview. You’re getting on my nerves.

5. As someone who has continually appealed to the underground youth culture of New York and Canada, don’t you think it’s time to pass the torch on to someone who’s younger, and doesn’t have a wife and kid? At what point are you just that old dad trying to remain relevant?
What does that first part even mean? Am I taking up too much room on your Internet? Go fuck yourself.

Emails were exchanged here like “Fuck it, none of this is usable anyway. It’s not going to run” and “I really got screwed by this” so I went back to the drawing board and eventually came up with…

1.Street Carnage, you said yourself is up to “offend as many of you as possible,” but is there any mission beyond that sort of snarky disassociation?
The ultimate agenda of the site is to monetize youth culture using a marketing platform based on research in New Media and the 18-25 demo. When the site achieves a certain level of caché, we will sell it to the highest bidder and start again. The next company will manufacture illegal marijuana skateboards for tweens.

2.Given that you’ve created this cult following using mostly your writing, you’re someone uniquely aware of the power of words. So why use “fag” and “Paki” so often? Please answer without using phrases like “to shock people” or “shake up the system” or any stock answer like that.
First of all, I use the word Fag with venom and hatred because I hate the way those guys make me feel. I hate the nauseous bulge I get in my drawers when I see those filthy bastards wrestle each other and get all physical. It’s so self-indulgent. Haven’t they ever heard of restraint? You can’t just do something because it makes you feel good, we need to make babies. Show some biological responsibility for fuck’s sakes. I did.
The Paki thing is another separate but equal gripe. As a Hindu of East Indian descent, I remember the so-called civil war that begot Pakistan. It was horrific and when I think of the massacres that went on during the train rides that brought our Hindu brothers home from, what was then Northern India, it makes my fists scream. You don’t hear about it on the History channel but what they did to us was unforgettably horrific. Oh, and don’t talk to me about all the Indian muslims that were decapitated on the trains going up North. We weren’t CLOSE to as barbaric as they were.

3. Do’s and Don’ts, and now Street Boners is the funniest part of your repertoire. They’re funny, and you offend all the right people to have a reputation for being fringe, but don’t you think it’s extremely lazy to target the obvious cultural/fashion/gender stereotypes? Isn’t that almost mainstream?
Sometimes when I’m targeting the obvious cultural/fashion/gender stereotypes I think to myself, “Why am I doing this? It’s so unoriginal. Shit, just last night CNN had a big thing on how Jews are cheap and black guys wear baggy pants and women are lazy or whatever, and now I’m here doing the same thing?” Yeah, it’s conformist to be prejudice because we live in such a xenophobic society but the truth is, it pays the bills. The other day we said Turks need to shut the fuck up about poker all the time and Toyota gave us $300,000. It made things weird around Turks but having that money in your hand? What a rush!

4. You love being an asshole (don’t lie). Is this a character you’ve created for yourself, or did you just happen to find a good niche and exploit it?
I actually have the exact same personality as Emo Phillips but people love this Andrew Dice Clay character I came up with so I just run with it. I met the guy who does Oscar the Grouch the other day and we had so much in common we ended up talking all night. Then we were tickling each other, then staring at each other, then he sucked me off. After I came, I beat the shit out of him because I felt so filthy. He swore he’d never tell anybody but you never know, right? RIGHT!?

5. As someone who has continually appealed to the underground youth culture of New York and Canada, don’t you think it’s time to pass the torch on to someone who’s younger, and doesn’t have a wife and kid? At what point are you just that old dad trying to remain relevant?
I would pass the torch and many have asked me for it but the money is just too good to resist. My wife and I want to get a pool on our third property and we need to go on one huge last bender of antiquing but after that, I think we’ll have all we need. To be honest, I’m 38 now and with two kids, you start to feel like an ass spending $130,000 a year on Cool Hunters. Their PowerPoint presentations are a blast but I’m starting to not understand the jargon anymore. What’s “crunked” for example?


Comments
  1. Lena says:

    I think I love… both versions.

  2. yawn says:

    the angry one was funnier

  3. Danielle says:

    “example of the ladder.”

    ha! gavin you’re so irreverent!

  4. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    They’re that persnickety? Why approach a prick when you’re afraid getting splattered? Maybe it’s time the fruits scoop out the ol’ melon; they’re getting a little ripe.

  5. sally shoebox says:

    Her questions are awful. I would be angry too.

  6. Danielle says:

    first one = mad magazine

    third one = cracked magazine

  7. Liz says:

    formal and ladder aren’t in context that caustic enough to be funny, so you just look like you heard someone you admire call two things the former and the latter once and didn’t know what they said.

  8. imyar says:

    “When the site achieves a certain level of caché, we will sell it to the highest bidder and start again.” nice. i feel so used.

  9. BL says:

    formal/ladder joke didn’t make sense because we didn’t click the links

  10. shira says:

    “1.Street Carnage, you said yourself is up to “offend as many of you as possible,” but is there any mission beyond that sort of snarky disassociation?
    The ultimate agenda of the site is to monetize youth culture using a marketing platform based on research in New Media and the 18-25 demo. When the site achieves a certain level of caché, we will sell it to the highest bidder and start again. The next company will manufacture illegal marijuana skateboards for tweens. ”

    essentially, this is the most honest reply of all. we always get defensive when somebody sees us for what we are. this site is like one big, sad GAP ad. “EVERYONE IN MILD DYSPHORIA”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m_X1Lm7dqo&feature=related

  11. Deep Moat says:

    i laughed, i cried, i shit myself

  12. Fredo says:

    christ that was boring

  13. Everyone says:

    Gavin killed it in the last interview. fucking brilliant. giving the answers they want to dumb questions. soooooo fucking good. celebs could learn a lot from gav here.

  14. tommy gun says:

    christ that was funny! for real.

  15. tommy gun says:

    best answer ever: “The Paki thing is another separate but equal gripe. As a Hindu of East Indian descent, I remember the so-called civil war that begot Pakistan. It was horrific and when I think of the massacres that went on during the train rides that brought our Hindu brothers home from, what was then Northern India, it makes my fists scream. You don’t hear about it on the History channel but what they did to us was unforgettably horrific. Oh, and don’t talk to me about all the Indian muslims that were decapitated on the trains going up North. We weren’t CLOSE to as barbaric as they were”

  16. Vane$$a says:

    You know you’re hot when you can get a big tv star like Sarah Silverman to do menial production work for you while you tell bad penis joke #40958734972394852097096798.

  17. remember what I told you years ago. 90 percent of being successful is to be extremely rude.

  18. spark dickie says:

    the power of words really inspires me. but the power of photos really inspires me to jerk off. and the power of moving pictures really inspires me to squeeze that exquisite 2nd load out of a sac that’s barely recovered from a milking 10 minutes previous from looking at the picture. the picture wackoff is usually a loving one like I imagine eating the cunt for like an hour out of slut (hand) while the moving pictures is more of a degradation thing like I want to be absolved of all responsibility to make decisions beyond being some piece of steak for some french cow to bearnaise all over. only art has the power to tame my weiner back into a soft acorn and lo this is from which the tributary of the watery tree of life springs from. the great runny salmon. thanks

  19. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL IT IS JUST A SHAME THAT THE LIBERAL MEDIA WOULD RATHER FOCUS ON A FEW ‘ NAUTY WORDS ‘ THAT ARE’NT POLITICLY CORRECT INSTEAD OF GAVIN MACINES’ SERVICE TO HIS COUNTRY

    DOES ANYONE REMEMBER ARTICLE IN VICE A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN THEY ROSE THE ENLISTMENT AGE TO 42 AND GAVIN MACINES AND TRACE CRUCHWORTH WENT DOWN TO THE RECRUTEMENT OFFICE AND SAID, ‘ THIS A CLASH OF CIVILISATIONS AND WE WANT TO SERVE ARE COUNTRY!!!”

    AND THE ARMY WAS GOING TO HIRE THEM BUT THEN THEY LOOKED AT THEIR EMPLOYMENT HISTORY AND SAW THEY WROTE FOR “VICE” AND SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT BOYS WE NEED YOU HERE AT HOME.” BECASUE THEY WERE FIGHTING THE PROPOGANDA WAR AGAINST THE NYC LIBS WHO WOULD JUST LET OSAMA BEN LADEN COME RIGHT AND CUT THERE HEAD’S OF.

    WELL ITS JUST A SHAME HOW THE WRITER WANT’S TO TALK ABOUT HOW GAVIN MACINES MAY BE OFFENDED AN ARAB PAKISTANI WIHT OUT TELLING US HOW HE PROBABLY SAVED OUR LIVES FROM THAT SAME ARAB IN PAKISTAN OR MAHMOOD AH-MAD-IN-A-HEAD

    JUST GOES TO SHOW!!!

  20. CaptainQueef says:

    wow. that was fucking incredible. i liked the first one more because it was way funnier and pointed out how blatantly retarded the person was. but the second one was also genius because you can tell the interviewee was probably like “ok good, he’s re-doing it so I can have something cool to show the magazine.” And then when they read it for the second time they realized how much of a stupid asshole they were and probably hung themselves in their parents closet.

  21. Vane$$a says:

    When you speak of a person hanging themselves in the past tense, the proper usage is HANGED not “hung.” Dicks are hung, people were hanged, and dead dicks are unhunged.

  22. bj says:

    arg fuck man, so many good and trueness points in both those interviews, you’re nailing it.

    i screengrabbed whole sections so i can re-read and keep forever. it takes away some of the mind numbing pain of living in this world surrounded by so many poo-head-faces just to hear you voice what so many of us are thinking but we have no mouths and cant talk so you can see how frustrating that would be for us.

    i especially liked this stuff:

    “Fuck this interview. You’re getting on my nerves. ”

    “Am I taking up too much room on your Internet? Go fuck yourself. ”

    “The ultimate agenda of the site is to monetize youth culture using a marketing platform based on research in New Media and the 18-25 demo. When the site achieves a certain level of caché, we will sell it to the highest bidder and start again. The next company will manufacture illegal marijuana skateboards for tweens.”

    “The other day we said Turks need to shut the fuck up about poker all the time and Toyota gave us $300,000”

    “you start to feel like an ass spending $130,000 a year on Cool Hunters. Their PowerPoint presentations are a blast but I’m starting to not understand the jargon anymore”

    so good. much appreciated.

  23. W4LNUT says:

    I don’t think I believe in magic anymore.

  24. Arv says:

    The second one was fucking great.

  25. fuck haute couture aka hater bo-baiter says:

    i love the bit about turks needing to shut the fuck up about poker and toyota giving you $300,000. classic.

  26. ADvice says:

    Time to bring back the nude asian lady interviewers only policy.

  27. Dick Tit says:

    Does this article mean we won’t be getting any more “Dear Drew” pieces?


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