Posted by
John Pittsley
• 11.30.16 09:01 pm

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The boss was talking about firefighters and all the gay shit they do, on the show the other day. The big faux pas he brought up were those fruity ass calendars they make every year and how gay it makes them look. The problem is most of those guys are gay.

Firefighters aren’t cops, they’re not retarded. They know how gay those calendars are and they know it’s almost only gay dudes who buy them. That’s why they do it. They don’t give a shit about whether chicks buy any or how much money it raises. All they care about is the fact that other dudes are beating off to them and if it raises a few extra bucks for the firehouse, then sweet. A lot of them probably won’t admit to it but if it helps in continuing their fantasy then so be it.

It would be insane if a majority of firefighters weren’t gay. Sexual deviants love to be around their targets as much as humanly possible. That’s why pedophiles become priests and camp counselors. Gays should naturally gravitate towards a profession where all they get to do is eat, sleep, and hang out with other dudes. That’s basically all firemen do, hang out with other dudes while wearing a cute outfit. The only ones I could see who wouldn’t want to are the effeminate twinks, who buy the calendars. But being a firefighter and living in the firehouse has to be a dream for all the buff ones, who like to lift weights and show off their muscles, like the guys in the calendars. Not just because of all the bro time, either. Being a firefighter covers a bunch of cool shit in the gay lifestyle.

The price of bravery always gets brought up when people are talking about firefighters but for some reason, the cost of cruising never does. When firemen keep demanding higher wages or benefits and you look at the amount of downtime they have, it can get a little frustrating and hard not to think solely relying on volunteers is the way to go. Once you realize they’re only trying to support their lifestyle it becomes a little more understandable, though.

Gay dudes have expensive tastes and a lot of that has to do with the fact they’re always looking to get laid. It may not look like it sometimes but finding a man ain’t cheap for a dude. When a guy is constantly on the hunt looking for dick he ends up dropping some serious change on his clothes, shoes, and hair. A dude can’t afford that with a shitty salary, unless he has a sugar daddy. A fireman’s salary tends to be just right for a gay man. Same with the healthcare package. Sucking mad dicks on the regular isn’t all that great for your health but with a fireman’s health benefits, it’s a tad less risky. The way firemen act out in public makes a whole lot more sense when you realize they’re all gay too.

Putting the siren on for every single fucking call seems a little excessive but so are gays in general. It’s not just all the money they spend or partying and fucking they do, gay dudes go over the top with their greetings. Instead of saying “hi” or “hello”, they always opt for a “helloooo”. They love excessive behavior and they love attention. That’s why they use the sirens all the time. They’re not doing it to remind people about firemen, so they’ll get the wage increases when the time comes. They’re just doing it to have fun.

You would think all the downtime together at the firehouse would be enough for these brave homos but they even do their grocery shopping together. Haven’t they heard of a grocery list? Maybe loading up the car with all the food would be a pain for one dude but these guys are supposed to be able to carry people down from burning buildings. I know they all stick together in case there’s an emergency they all have to rush off to but missing one guy isn’t going to ruin a rescue effort. Besides, they all have phones or walkie-talkies or whatever the fuck. If there’s ever that big of an emergency they could always call up the guy who’s grocery shopping and tell him to meet them at the fire. Piling the whole gang in the firetruck and heading down to the grocery store isn’t just a bit excessive, it’s rude as shit to everyone else. Those things take up like twenty parking spots.

Doling out a big chunk of change for gays to live out their kinky fantasies isn’t really a great way to use taxpayer dollars and I understand why some may be upset about it. It is better than the alternative, paying and trusting actual retards to save people’s lives. That’s the only other excuse for these calendars and behavior. Only someone with an extra chromosome would think chicks were all about pecks and abs or think these calendars were worth the time and effort to make.┬áMaybe I’m an insensitive prick for not wanting to be rescued by the mentally handicapped but if you have a problem with firefighters being gay, I guess you’re an insecure homophobe?

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. OogaBooga says:

    This is your masterpiece.

  2. SpaceKook12 says:

    So faggot, which city’s fire buffs beefcake calendar is the dreamiest?
    Maybe next time you can entertain us with reports from an ACTUAL gonzo adventure exploring exotic sub-cultures, you know, like go to Chicago and do some investigative journalism in the Bathhouses to get to the bottom of the Bathhouse Barry stories. You can be Gavin’s studdering John, and who knows, if you are annoying enough, you might attract the media’s attention, and become a household name, albeit a joke, but then you are now, just a much smaller audience butt boy. Just think of it, I can see it now – Retardo John, Gavin McInnis roving reporter of “…who writes dumb shit about stupid crap.”

  3. frank says:

    The problem with firefighters is there are way too damn many of them and they are dramatically overpaid.

    Fires were this huge problem 100 years ago, but we fixed that with building codes and sprinkler systems and smoke detectors. So there really aren’t very many serious building fires anymore. But we’ve got more firefighters than ever for some reason, and they tend to be eligible for retirement at 45 with $100K pensions for life. Which is literally bankrupting cities throughout America.


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