Posted by
• 11.14.12 01:00 am

Last week a Canadian friend—I know that sounds like an oxymoron—openly mocked me via electronic media about our country’s election results, which apparently went his way…while mine? Not so much.

He disparaged with implied Canadian accent—how long are we going to look the other way on how they pronounce “about?”—all my favorite candidates as well as their personal beliefs and principles.

I told him he puts the “twit” in “Twitter.”

He didn’t have a comeback. He’s Canadian.

Does anyone know the difference between “Canadian bacon” and straight-up ham? That’s like us calling squid “American octopus.”

I sez to him, I sez, “Do I tell you which fur trapper to elect to your tribal council? Do I make unflattering remarks about the Inuit tribesmen or whatever nomadic hunter-gatherers comprise your government?”

Actually, I do that all the time but he doesn’t know that. Those were rhetorical questions meant to make a point about sticking his Canadian nose in our bidniz.

As far as I’m concerned, Canada is just Wisconsin, only not as avant-garde or cutting-edge.

In Canada they eat something called “poutine” which sounds awfully French to me. Lest we forget, Canada has French people in it and that’s nothing to write home about. Nor is it license to poke fun at other nations’ statesmen.

Just out of curiosity, what’s “French bacon” like?

This “poutine” consists of a heapin’ helpin’ o’ Freedom Fries with “cheese curds” and smothered in a thick, viscous brown gravy.

Name ONE other thing we should be envious of them over.

Remember “hippies” and how horrible they were and how much they tried to subvert our American way of life—which, last time I checked, included bathing?

Some of the worst ones were Canadians!

There was that, that Neil Young—ugh, shudder—he was Canadian and a eunuch.

I’ll bet you any amount of money that’s where that Bruce Springsteen is from.

Crash Test Dummies, Cowboy Junkies, Pearl Jam—bands that make your skin crawl!

And that Joni Mitchell, a “folkie” (read: skank) who sang a song that went: “Hey farmer farmer, put away the DDT, now. Give me spots on my apples but leave me the birds and the bees.”

As an American, I tend to like dumbo gruntcake bands such as Uriah Heep and Molly Hatchet, neither of whom has ever written a song about pesticides.

And who calls a farmer “farmer farmer?”

Welcome to Canada. Take a bite of our nice socialist apple, replete with brown spots and bird droppings, while getting stung by bees—bees emboldened and empowered by the banning of DDT in 1972 and out for revenge.

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?




  1. Jissom Jigaboo says:


  2. Chris says:

    I guess it’s safe to say this is how Americans think behind our Canadian backs. Who gives a shit though, right?

  3. Swim says:

    Dude. You ever had poutine? It’s pretty good. I would say “fuck Canada” but that would not reflect the complete apathy I have for that country for I am a good American and couldn’t care less what the fuck those ice gayrods think.

  4. Swim says:

    Canadians are basically Americans who give a shit about what Europeans think about them but the fact they actually do care makes them even less cool than Americans.

  5. Matrick Swayze says:

    Less rants, more pants.

  6. Johnny says:

    Agreed … Canada is currently a socialist welfare state that’s been created out of a bullshit blind love for insanely corrupt liberalism. That said, we’ve got a fantastic (conservative) government now & we’re on the road to recovery. Your Canadian friend along with many of his countrymen are fucking clueless when it comes to American politics. They get most of their info from the Stewart & Colbert!

    I guess the main difference between Canada and Wisconsen is, we’ve got as much oil as Saudi Arabia, more gold than Africa, uranium deposits that would make your balls glow, rare earths that make china nervous, enough copper to re-wire the entire fucking planet & water … So much gad damn water. Oh yeah, and we’re not going broke … So get Ben Bukkake to print some more green backs and get in line, because we have tons of shit to sell you. BTW, if you don’t buy it, we’ve got a bunch of friends across tha pacific that’d be more than happy to take it of our hands.

    Due to the hockey strike, productivity is up 35% … Fucking ratarded eh?

  7. Gavin says:

    Hosers are Canadian. They’re about the best a person can get.




  8. Butchie says:

    Canadian Bacon is a brined pork loin.
    Ham is a brined and smoked pork leg.
    This whole article seems to stem from the same ignorant place of not knowing what things actually are and then forming assumptions.

  9. Heydrich says:

    “Ice gayrods” may be the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.

    I am working a project with a bunch of Canadians, and all I will be able to think for the next two months is I “couldn’t care less what the fuck those ice gayrods think”. Epic.

  10. Gavin says:

    Also, before bragging about California Girls, you may want to check out Montreal in the spring. Who knew breeding metis with Les Filles du Roi could have such boner inducing results.

  11. Joey Batts says:

    Johnny is very smart, He should be your guyzez next prezident:)
    he so rich and no in debt, infinity minerals ftw!

  12. CAM'RON says:


  13. Swim says:

    Shit I wouldn’t even brag about California girls after meeting girls from Israel.

  14. Swim says:

    By the way, did I just awaken the inner patriotic Canadian in Gavin?

    I think I just poked a little maple leafed soft spot in his heart. Come on. Just look at the Canadian flag. You know that place sucks. You wouldn’t be living in New York otherwise.

  15. derek says:

    Americans got conquered by Obama. Heh. Canada wins.

  16. Lester says:

    Johny= That’s feat just make sure you don’t let the so called neo cons on board. The minute one of the “conservatives” says “israel” throw them out or your country. If not, you’ll be way way worse off than you ever were under socialism. I wish someone had given us this warning :(

  17. Robb says:

    I know I’m nearly a year late to the party, but holy fuck do I love this shit. It seems pretty obvious to me the irritating (but not THAT irritating, on account we don’t much care) Canadian pretense of moral superiority, righteous indignation and general smug condescension towards seemingly all facets of the U.S. constitutes a perpetual futile attempt to ward off the looming spectre of Little Brother Syndrome. Namely, the crushing collective awareness that all aspects of their lives–cultural, economic and political–and what they hilariously perceive as a highly unique cultural identity hinge ENTIRELY on what the fuck is going on down here. That the aforementioned smugness is generally an unreciprocated one-way street is very telling indeed. SOMEONE seems to care a GREAT DEAL, and someone…not so much. Truly bemusing shit yo! And while poutine IS moderately enviable, when every major U.S. city has at least a few spots that can pull off a respectable or even superior iteration, even that–like all things Canadian–is very easy to forget.

  18. Robb says:

    ^ Like, take lil’ Johnny up there, for instance. What a cunt!

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