There are some people whose stars burn so bright, your skin takes on a healthy glow simply by basking in their radiant perfection.
There are some people whose stars burn so bright, your skin takes on a healthy glow simply by basking in their radiant perfection. And then there are people whose true glory would incinerate you if you witnessed it. It would be the ancient Greek equivalent of watching Zeus do cock push-ups. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to thank a big dick I know: Evan Paley.
For those of you living under a rock somewhere in Amish country, Evan Paley is a movie star, magnetic television personality and all-around champion widely regarded as the best thing to happen to the 48 contiguous states since Roe v. Wade.
Like any true work of art, such as Michelangelo’s David, he must be viewed from every side to truly appreciate the unspeakable craftsmanship. That’s why I feel I should do mini-tributes to each sub-Paley that is part of the larger Paley, or the Macro-Paley, if you will.
EVAN THE MOVIE STAR
Evan is a movie star, plain and simple. His breakout role was playing himself (a sign of things to come) in season four of the hit show Kidsongs.
It was canceled halfway through the following season.
But still, even in that short span Evan had made his mark. He proved he had a bonnet full of star power and wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. He was going to wear that woman’s hat all the way to the top. On to bigger and better things, his next notable role was as Timmy in Grandma’s Boy. Here we see his acting prowess:
Did you spot him? Evan can be seen clearing frame on an electric scooter right before asking Allen Covert’s character if he would like to jerk off on his mom.
EVAN THE POP STAR
Showcasing his vocal gifts on Kidsongs, it was only logical that he pursue a career in music. A little birdie told me he’s in talks for a three-album deal with Sony. A sneak peek at some of the studio sessions:
You didn’t hear it from me, but it looks like we might get to kick off 2k11 with an Evan Paley Chris Brown collabo. Shhhh!
EVAN DOING EVAN
Arguably what Evan does best. His newest project is so hot it’s practically flaming. I could tell you what it is, or I could let it speak for itself via this sizzle reel:
It’s for a show called Europe After Dark where Evan went around to European nightclubs with a flipcam and frequently apologizes for partying. Let me say something loud and clear, Evan: Don’t you ever apologize, not even once. Not for making other people look bad by comparison, not for doing you, but especially not for partying. You can look at another sizzle reel here, but it has less EPM (Evan Per Minute) than this video, so I didn’t think it was worthy of the embed. Fuck it, is there really such a thing as too much Evan?
I’ve actually gone through the trouble of collecting some of my favorite moments from some of the as-yet-unreleased footage: