Posted by
• 08.31.10 12:44 pm

Just got back from the septic tank that is my gene pool. I notice something different every time I go there. This time it was violence.

Just got back from the septic tank that is my gene pool. I notice something different every time I go there. This time it was violence.

You know when you’re walking around Boston and you get these looks where you realize, “Everyone in this entire town wants to fight me”? Well, it’s that way in Glasgow but “everyone” includes old ladies, babies and dogs. Even the buildings want to fight you.

The local paper had two journalists follow around the cops for 24 hours. They were privy to five attempted murders and 32 serious assaults. And by “serious” they mean facial slashings. That’s right, cutting someone’s fucking face. When do you want to cut someone’s face? I don’t even want to slash Osama Bin Laden’s face. I’d like to punch him in the stomach. In the most recent Batman we’re supposed to gasp when we hear The Joker had either end of his mouth cut with a knife. In Glasgow, that’s a bad Friday night. It’s even got a name “The Glasgow Smile” (to be headbutted is a “Glasgow kiss”).

This is a typical headline from a totally different edition of the Scottish Sun. Glasgow used to be the industrial center of the world and now there is not one job. Imagine Detroit if nobody left. It’s just bored, huge workers with nothing to do but drink and maim.

Like, check this ad out. Ever heard of women in bikinis? No thanks, we’d rather use a guy who looks like he’d kill you because that’s the kind of thing that appeals to Glaswegians. Violence is Sex to them — and it sells.

Even the cartoons on souvenir shirts want to kick your ass.

Saw this lovingly framed in a Glasgow pub. I guess someone longs for the days when you’d carry a club around called a “lifesaver.” The Glasgow Criminal Museum is a sight to behold and includes everything from dozens of confiscated weapons to a nose that was bitten off in a fight.

But it’s not ONLY about violence over there. The local news also has women farting on your face. Inside we learn that she never thought this would be her “career” but she is, get this, PROUD of what she does. Her husband and “lover” also support her. They were pictured sitting next to her on the couch. The lover (a dude) had a parrot on his shoulder. (Cue Springsteen’s “My Hometown.”)

Scotland still has class up its ass but in Glasgow it’s all about Catholic vs Protestant; The former seen as Irish trash and the latter seen as the true Scots. This split is strongest in the soccer scene where Catholics support Celtics and Protestants support Rangers. Everyone hates the English with a passion but the Protestants wave Union Jack flags and are all Free Masons just because it seems like an anti-Catholic thing to do. Sort of how Canadians will do anything that seems un-American even if that includes jumping off a bridge.

A big family secret is our name used to be McGuinnes but my Irish grandfather changed it to the more Protestant McInnes because he was a bookie and nobody would trust an Irishman. My cousins and I like to rub it in the elders’ faces by going to Celtic bars and wearing green. I like being on the underdog team but the part where they give a flying fuck about The Pope gets annoying. I honestly care more about what Yoda has to say than some dying old homo in a pretend city.

Scotland likes to pretend it’s independent of Britain but it’s just another province, like England, like Wales… like Ontario and Saskatchewan. They kind of have their own money and a make-believe parliament but BBC Scotland is done in English accents and they all share the same gossip, which is: A professional soccer player fucked a prostitute and his fiancé is mad, and something about Big Brother and something about X-Factor.

Everyone in Europe adores Hello and thoroughly enjoys seeing TV presenters lounging casually around their beautiful homes. This guy was in a car crash but couldn’t resist throwing a wee scarf on his neck brace to show you he’s still the same old whatshisname. I laughed at this picture for about a day.

England’s love of inclusive multiculturalism has bled up North and they don’t pull any punches. Where we will have one token Cosby mulatto in every photo, they never go lighter than the darkest Kenyan around. And that’s just the beginning. How about no right hand? The show after this had only retarded kids. Then there was a show about how you can be whatever you want and the host draws himself as a pirate, an astronaut and a female ballerina in a tutu. I have no problem with my kids looking at black gimp retard drag queens while I’m brushing my teeth but British kids must get freaked out when they meet a normal person.

Here’s a rant where a CONSERVATIVE author says we SHOULD be using tax dollars to have prostitutes fuck the handicapped. (I thought I invented the ALL CAPS thing but apparently the Scots have been screaming this for quite some time).

Here’s a doozie: A guy tells a woman, “You English blood need to get yourselves back down the road.” He gets charged with racism (huh!?) and if sentenced, “may not be able to travel to certain countries abroad.” The judge dropped the charges because he’s not completely insane but what the fuck is this law please? If you call some guy a Tico does that mean you can never go to Costa Rica again? What about Nicaragua and Panama? There’s no way this crazy law has ever been enforced but I would love to see the list of countries associated with each racial slur. What do you have to say to be banned from Guyana for example? It doesn’t really have one dominant race. That would be funny if all the racists ended up vacationing there because it was the only country left on their permission slip.

Only in Scotland could you love a people who drove flaming cars into your airport as long as they promise to keep hating the English.

No, it is not an urban myth.

Anti-cocaine campaign that threatened horrors like nose bleeds. This is in a city where having your face cut off is a minor inconvenience.

So THAT’S where Coolio’s been hiding. He’s been on Big Brother with a bunch of washed up UK celebrities. I actually watched him on this and he’s so stupid they only tuned into his conversations about 5% of the time. He was almost always trying to get into young girls’ pants who, for some reason, were not that interested in a 47-year-old they’d never heard of. It was sad. After the show was done he got busted coming home with a pile of crack. Way to go, dad!

It was cool to see the “Kings of Lyon” were playing.

And finally, blew off some steam at the Glasgow airport by shooting at a plane and killing terrorists. Nice choice of game.


  1. humpty doo says:

    The neck brace could almost pass for a plastic skeletal turtleneck, he’s that good

  2. Y says:

    Even the buildings want to fight you.
    Very good sir,
    Very good.

  3. miss appalachian says:

    gnarly looking people

  4. ty says:

    Fuck. Your genetic cesspool is almost as bad as mine.

  5. Anonymous says:

    For real though, Asda sucks, Sainsbury is a faggot and Tesco is fucking dull.

  6. Nikola says:

    Glasgow’s murder rate is 6.3 per 100,000, making it safer than just about all American cities.

  7. lukeoneil47 says:

    Yeah but what’s its maiming and stabbing rate?

  8. Nikola says:

    On par with the idiot rate.

  9. pedo stu says:


    i was waiting for the yanks to come in and go on about how hard they are compared to the uk.

    yeah, but that’s only because of gang warfare in certain parts of certain cities. 99% of america is just nice, safe suburban malls, carparks and sleepy little mid-west towns where dopey, morbidly obese people stroll around in their jim jams outdoors.

  10. poopin right now, jimmy! says:

    I was in Glasgow about 2 weeks ago. It’s true about the looks people give you; it’s like people are just looking for an excuse to fight. Even when you play bagpipes and wear a kilt, the looks still come. I felt safer in Northern Ireland even though it was much more likely I was going to be the victim of some political/religious/terrorist bombing over there. Fuck that noise, jack. I’ll take a “Glasgow Smile” any day of the week.

  11. dragler says:

    “No thanks, we’d rather use a guy who looks like he’d kill you because that’s the kind of thing that appeals to Glaswegians.” I never thought much of this type of sociological observation but you are definately on to something here.

  12. You know, either way says:

    @pedo stu

    “Jim jams”? Huh. I guess the yanks win.

    PS—It’s obnoxious when dudes from NYC go on about “sleepy little mid-west towns,” and even more so when non-Americans do it. Yawn. I mean, you’re right about the dopiness and obesity, but still… That’s like a Wisconsin housewife speaking in a loud, shitty Brooklyn accent for laughs.

  13. bloodclot says:

    the tough guy from the billboard is eric cantona, a former french soccer player. french soccer players are renowned for being the most dangerous of all soccer players.

  14. tax dollars to have prostitutes fuck the handicapped? sound like paradise for derrick beckles.

  15. moufbreatha says:

    Sometimes I wonder if Gavin and Glen Hansard are the same person.

  16. Vane$$a says:

    Too many fucking peasants in the world.

  17. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    “I honestly care more about what Yoda has to say than some dying old homo in a pretend city.”

    This is why I still read this site. For the 100s of Arv articles and Gavin’s increasing ties to the Libertarian party, theres fucking gems

  18. anna says:

    ha. it’s funny seeing you showing the US what it’s like here.
    british newspapers aren’t newspapers. they’re like the print version of school kids. laws have actually been passed here because of tabloids gossiping and riling people up. they fired russel brand from his hilarious radio show unecessarily, and banned mephedrone because of ‘deaths’ reported in tabloids that hadn’t actually been caused by it.
    everything in this country is poo.

  19. Sopheap says:

    Yeah the serial killer is a french dude and here is a video of him doing the kung fu :

  20. white power says:

    i’m standing alone.
    i’m watching you all.
    i’m seeing you sinking.

    foo-oo-oo-oo-ools gold…

  21. tommy gun says:

    fuck the pope. GERS GERS GERS

  22. Avocado Welch says:

    Yeah, that’s Eric Cantona, who is actually quite famous. It makes sense for him to be on the billboard because it’s for a sports channel.

  23. dink says:

    can you talk about scotland agai… yawn… snoooooore

  24. Vincent D says:


  25. Pussy Tastemaker says:

    Don’t be a bufty.

  26. muscles says:

    I know you hate jocks, but come on guy. That’s fucking Cantona, and he’s a hero. Why wouldn’t he be on a billboard for a sports network?

  27. Mint, Flichigan says:

    “Scotland likes to pretend it’s independent of Britain but it’s just another province, like England, like Wales… like Ontario and Saskatchewan.”

    if an american called scotland a “state” he’d be sodomized

  28. frankie says:

    “fruit and veg.” the UK is so fucking dismal…

  29. Nikola says:

    Fart. The UK is hilarious. When I went to England once everyone was acting like they are in a Guy Ritchie movie, against the backdrop of quaint little houses and shops with flowers in the front. Ever see the movie Ali G in Da House? That’s YOU.

  30. Dadaist says:

    I went to a bakery in Glasgow and pointed at something

    “is that a donut or a meringue?” I said

    “naw yer right son it’s a donut” they said

  31. LCB says:


  32. HA HA says:

    and man… they love heroin…

  33. N says:

    Being Scottish I was really ready to hate you for this. But I laughed. Oh man did I laugh.

    (The Deep Fired Mars Bars are only for tourists though. Seriously, that’s who buys them)

  34. Jay says:

    I lived in Glasge’ fae five years dude. Funny article, but its a pile of shit. If you have any common sense its safe as fuck. I love the city , maybe even more than New York. In fact, most of my American friends I met at University there came back to live for a while. So dont run it down.

  35. Ryoku_Cha says:

    Fuck… Kings Of Lyon…

  36. Anonymous says:

    frankie Says:

    “fruit and veg.” the UK is so fucking dismal…

    Fuck yeah, but nothing compared to Australia, where the stupidest third of British criminals were exported to breed 200 years ago. “Veggies” can and will be spelled any retarded inconsistent fucking way they want it. “Vege’s,” even. Ugh.

  37. grumpy old man says:

    nothing from gran? pity

  38. Taeil says:

    These are Gavin’s best. I swear it.

  39. sho nuff says:

    Kudos Gavin…to you and Paul K. and that’s it…

  40. Janturbo says:

    I love your pieces on Scotland, but for fuck sake, we get that they invented the Glasgow Smile®; you’ve mentioned it in six articles!

    If you’re this up in arms over it’s use in The Dark Knight, watching Ichi The Killer with you must be completely unbearable!

  41. FEDERAL COME™ says:

    Do the Scots laugh at your tiny Canada mustache?

  42. Alex DeLarge says:

    If you think Glasgow is bad, try further up the north of Scotland… Places like Aberdeen, Dundee and the Highlands are where the real crazy fuckers reside, they make the people of Glasgow look like pussies. Word.

  43. Walker says:

    If you weren’t so effing thick you’d realise that Kings of Lyon are a tribute band and were supporting a Stone Roses tribute band.

  44. Anonynous says:

    Honestly, you gotta try harder or we’re forever going to be convinced that all Americans do have an irony bypass right after birth.

    Slagging off Scotland by showing:

    1. Lots of English magazines, none of which are produced in Scotland

    2. A picture of very famous French sports star Eric Cantona advertising (shock horror!) a sports channel and assuming he’s Scottish

    3. Passing off very unusual stories about gangland violence in a newspaper as ‘typical’. It was actually so atypical that it was the lead story on the television news that night

    4. Suggesting Scottish tv presenters have English accents when they don’t (unless they’re actually English – we’re equal ops these days)

    5. Try to laugh at a ‘spelling mistake’ on a band poster, completely missing the point that Kings of Lyon (it’s the name of a French city and a pun on the word ‘lie’ ie not true or fake. Geddit?!)

    6. The (actually very very nice) Pakistani Cafe has a wee joke about wanting Pakistan to beat England at cricket (what’s that, people from Pakistan want their own team to win at a sport against a team from a country they don’t live in, you say? Madness!) and you equate that with loving terrorists? Quite a leap there, fella. Can see how Bush ended up invading Iraq with that kind of logic.

    7. Have yet to meet, or even see, a single person with one of your fables ‘Glasgow smiles’, and that’s after about 25 years living in the city. Is your slightly alarming obsession with them just so that you can go all dreamy and chuck in a Heath Ledger reference again? Let it go dude, he’s dead, and even in the nurse’s outfit you’re just not his type. The assumption that violence in America is confined to scary ganglands while it runs rampant through daily life in Glasgow is nonsense. Not surprisingly, it’s generally confined to poorer areas of social dperivation, much like any other big city

    Holy crap, just how does one person get so much wrong?! Now, having said that Scotland has its fair share of social issues, much like any other city, and it has some seiously undereducated, unhealthy people in its social underclass, but I’m yet to see a fight, nevermind a knife or gun, despite the apparent waves of terror we’re apparently living in.

  45. Philly Boy says:

    What a pile of shite. You’ve completely missed the point here mate. It’s a good thing Glasgow is so off-putting to morons like you otherwise it would be over-run.

    And by the way, Cantona is a legend.

    And by the way, you’re a wimp.

  46. Jimbo says:

    I think your remarks about Scotland being catholics v protestants being totally shite ..I think you forget that the whole of Scotland and most of England where all catholic at one point. Untill it was outlawed forcing everyone to basically become Protestant. And also that Catholics are seen as Irish decent while protestants are true scots. Well when it was out-lawed Catholics migrated to the out reaches and highlands of Scotland as so they could keep their religion and not fear retribution. When Catholics where given rights again to practice people from the highlands started movin back to the city’s and yes from Ireland too but that doesn’t mean their all Irish my opinion true scots are defiant ..and true scots where the ones who defied what they where told and moved to safe grounds and the others did as they where told and followed the English like sheep. As they did during the Jacobite risings. Never the less. These morons who bring sectarian violence into football are idiots who don’t even go to church probably don’t believe in god and find it a good excuse to start a fight …but these people are a VERY small minority that seem to always attract a lot of bad attention.
    I also think a lot of what you have posted about Scotland in your blog is very degrading and by judging the comments from your American friends they seem to believe a lot of it. And I’m ashamed to see that you are of Scottish decent after your remarks =/
    Ohh and also we don’t all hate the English a lot of people take it too far but it’s just see as healthy competition from our neighbours and I’d never in a million years want to see an independent Scotland a scot I am very proud of what the Great Britain has achieved and changed throughout the world including your beloved USA.. Nothing the UK ever achieved in the world would ever of happened if Scotland wasn’t there to help England. Why do you think the english came up with the idea of becoming friends.. They knew they couldnt take on the world with out us trusty scots :)

  47. sjay says:

    as a glasgow resident i can assure everyone that the entire article is pretty much true except for the ‘glasgow smile’ thing. there is no such thing. you must be thinking of a ‘chelsea smile’ which used to be popular in the football hooligan scene of the eighties. chelsea fans would leave a calling card in your pocket before leaving just in case you were in any doubt as to who had just sliced off half your face. oh, and that large woman who farts in peoples faces? i don’t like to point this out but i believe that the two black ‘censor stickers’ are positioned in the wrong place. but i could be wrong. ps, eric cantona is a pussy!

  48. sjay says:

    oh i forgot to say; the woman who farts on people’s faces sometimes gives a discount if she ‘follows through’. i always find it difficult to explain to the wife why there is shit on my collar…

  49. wedgie Bassa says:

    Bite ma bawsack

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