Posted by
John Barclay
• 10.05.11 01:30 pm


It’s very difficult to complain about new hip-hop without sounding like an old grump, but in the past few years, certain elements have transformed the genre into what appears to be a television program marketed towards Japanese toddlers.

It’s very difficult to complain about new hip-hop without sounding like an old grump, but in the past few years, certain elements have transformed the genre into what appears to be a television program marketed towards Japanese toddlers.

To reverse the trend, here are a few rules:

1. STOP GIGGLING

Lil Wayne sort of gets a pass on this but only because he resembles a gremlin and that allows room for his bubbly feminine laughs to be interpreted as evil. However, all other rappers, especially cutesy Muppet Baby-sounding ones like Big Sean, Chris Brown and Wale, have to stop this immediately. No one past the age of six — regardless of gender — should be giggling under any circumstance. But in the event that it happens, it should definitely not be recorded and broadcasted for the entire world to hear. You’re making Hot 97 sound like an episode of Rugrats. Stop.

2. STOP RAPPING ABOUT SHOPPING FOR DESIGNER HANDBAGS

Same goes for all other sissy products. Rosé is for suburban moms. It’s pink. If you tough guys can’t even handle flavored vodka any more, just do everyone a solid and lie about what you’re drinking. And bragging about shopping? Like if these guys were to completely flip the script and start reppin’ gender nonconformity and LGBT rights I could maybe get down with this mall madness, but they’re not. They’re spitting the same misogynist / homophobic narrative that Compton cats did in the ’90s, except they are simultaneously indulging in the same products the Pet Shop Boys flamboyantly enjoyed in the ’80s. You can’t segue from boasting of blowing motherfuckers’ heads off to bragging about Louis and Gucci handbags. I mean, you can, but it’s just weird.

3. STOP USING TRANCE SYNTHS

Why are you rhyming over gumdrop Guido synth pads? Who is your target audience here, Ukrainians? Nicki Minaj is perhaps the most relevant example of a rapper’s potential massacred by this horrifying trend. She has one of the most clever, skilled flows in the mainstream game right now but her candy-flipping producers manufactured an album that sounds like Fran Drescher nagging over Japanese trance pop (not as avant-garde as one might assume). I’m not saying go back to soul samples and turntablism, but please kick the Ibiza influence.

4. STOP SAYING “HANH!”

While ex-cop Rick Ross’s relentless belly grunts and Soulja Boy’s “Swag!” are certainly worth mentioning, this year’s most annoying ad lib award goes to Kanye West for his innovative Donkey onomatopoeia: “Hanh!” While it’s not clear who initiated it, it is clear that Kanye does it more often and louder than the rest. Ever since DMX started literally barking on his tracks a decade ago, motherfuckers have had no choice but to ante up their ad lib game. When searching for the next gimmick, Kanye kept with DMX’s zoological theme but chose an unlikely and unfortunate species to replicate.

You see, DMX’s dog barks worked because dogs sound fucking legit. Canines descend from ancient murderous beasts and referencing them in the right context elicits fear and / or aggression. The Donkey, on the other hand, is the Mr. Bean of the animal kingdom, an ugly, clumsy, weak joke of a mammal — actually, it’s a rational choice for Kanye’s spirit animal.

5. STOP BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR CASH FLOW IF YOU WERE BORN AND RASIED BY WEALTHY PARENTS IN AN AFFLUENT SUBURB

I’m looking at you, Drake. You are a child actor from a wealthy Jewish Toronto suburb. You are basically Tori Spelling. It’s kind of complex, but here in America, spoiled rich suburbanites are not permitted the same level of income-related flamboyance and mindless consumerism as former poverty-stricken drug dealers from Bed-Stuy.

6. CALIFORNIANS: GO HOME

Fuck any state where all the rappers dress like packs of Skittles, scoot around on skateboards and rollerblades, film all their videos at high school and Twitter about everything. Kreayshawn is the hardest rapper in California right now and she is a 14-year-old white girl. Sure, Odd Future wear cool masks and jump around and all and Lil’ B is occasionally funny, but when’s the last time this state produced a decent track? Props for doin’ your own thing, but your thing sucks.

7. STOP USING CHRIS BROWN

Is America’s sexy lil’ boy voice addiction really so overwhelming that we are willing to overlook the fact that this giggling problem child beat his girl’s face to the point that she needed surgery? This guy is like Chucky from Child’s Play. Fuck this guy X infinity. It’s not as if there aren’t several other contemporary R&B crooners with similarly annoying styles and underdeveloped vocal chords. Put Tre Songz or The Dream on the hook and no one will ever be able to tell the difference.

-JOHN BARCLAY


Comments
  1. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    Telling rap to stop doing all this is like telling black people to stop being black. This article is racist.

  2. fidget says:

    A+

  3. This nonsense needs to stop says:

    At least New Boyz were being themselves, goofy high schools kids, having a good time over a beat. That was the original point of hip hop. If you’re not really living or never have lived a situation where you have to go out and mash, then I’d rather you just be your goofy self, than lie about all this imaginary gwap you’re not getting off these streets, with your imaginary pistols. Would you rather they act like Drake’s phony ass?

  4. yikes says:

    This is terrible.

  5. Hater says:

    Kreayshawn’s sister, V Nasty, is way harder (retarded, whatever).

  6. redape says:

    long story short: “i like my blacks like i like my coffee….on my own terms.”

  7. ONLYMERK! says:

    I like my coffee “on my own terms?”

    no one has ever described how they prefer their coffee that way.

  8. blaahus poopus says:

    i’m having a coffee ‘on my own terms’ right now. i gave up listening to rap. except for it takes a nation of millions to hold us back….

  9. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    @fake me: Hahahahaha, nice one!

  10. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    V Nasty is so retarded she comes full circle and ends up as some kind of west coast white girl rap messiah.

  11. chRon says:

    Amen on the trance synths. I blame Lil Jon for popularizing rap composed and performed entirely on $150 Casio keyboards.

    Not to generalize but rap has sucked for the entire last century. Yeah it’s only 11 years since 2,000CE but it sounds hardcore when you say it that way.

  12. AbbeyJames says:

    I like all of these except the one where you shit on California. How you gonna disregard Kendrick Lamar?

    Sincerely,

    A West Coast rapper who don’t look like a skittle. lol

  13. at homo a tourist says:

    haw haw.. good job. rap is racist

    Ja Step Und Fetchit Ja

  14. cook says:

    i like the part about the donkey being kanye’s spirit animal thats clever. wouldve loved to see that initiation rite

  15. ruth buzzi says:

    for the love of whores, there are two #1s and no #2!

    i like my rappers like i like my coffee, early in the morning and as catalysts for bowel movements.

  16. Bongo Bob says:

    das racist

  17. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    @RealYou – Quit sucking up.

  18. narcos says:

    fucking finally someone said this shit about chris brown. fuck chris brown.

  19. quadruple x says:

    I’m so angry I know who V Nasty is now.
    BUT YES TO THE CHRIS BROWN THING. I really can’t believe he’s still singing/crying at MTV bullshit and people applaud after. WTF.

  20. yerp says:

    YES! Thank you for the Chris Brown part!

  21. Anonymous says:

    I think the Ying Yang Twins might have something to say about four… No one does it often, and more loud? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y9XNhmfjkA and recheck the video above

  22. Aesk47 says:

    I’ m wearing a backpack. 95 for ever you guys. No diggity. Sooooooooooo. (that’s the call for the Wu)

  23. Aesk47 says:

    If you fuck V-nasty can you say you fucked a black chick?

  24. onyx blackman says:

    im pretty sure dave chapelle started that “hahn!” shit on a skit making fun of minstrel-y rappers like the yin yang twins.

    #2 is spot on, these clowns sound like 35yr old single white males working at goldman sachs.

    you left out the most important rule though:

    8) if youre going to call yourself a rapper, learn to fucking rap.
    no more of that fuckin dr seuss shit.

  25. suckafree says:

    please don’t confuse LA rap w/ bay rap. new boyz took their whole game from the pack and technicolored it up in the process. and don’t even say kreayshawn is the hardest rapper from the bay. you ain’t hella Bay if you live in LA.

  26. Anonymous says:

    “Dogs are fucking legit”

  27. muscles says:

    just realized that kanye grunt is a juvenile derivative, right?

  28. barclay says:

    @muscles: it appears that cash money guys have been doin the “Hanh/Ha” thing forever. kanye even places his “HANH’s” in the same places. he just does it way more frequently (excluding juvenile’s hit “Ha”)and way louder.

  29. […] New Rules For Rappers. Source: Street Boners […]

  30. swing-atcha says:

    i like my blacks like my coffee…all over my crotch.

  31. loosejuice says:

    I like that Wiz Khalifa album. It’s certainly more entertaining than this article.

    But yeah, fuck Chris Brown. Seriously.

  32. paul says:

    this sounds exactly like the old grump you were trying to avoid sounding like


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