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TV Carnage
• 12.30.11 10:00 am



New Year’s is the perfect time for reflection, self-examination, and burning a quarter-sized hole through your septum because we have arbitrarily selected this day to be the beginning of our calendar.

New Year’s is the perfect time for reflection, self-examination, and burning a quarter-sized hole through your septum because we have arbitrarily selected this day to be the beginning of our calendar. Since for many the New Year is a fresh start we tend to juice the last hours as hard as possible, packing as many sins and transgressions into the fading minutes before that chapter is sealed and we are no longer required to answer for our actions. So in the spirit of Mardi Gras, here are some ideas for really getting the last drops out of 2011.

WRECK A CAR

And not just any car, a nice car and preferably one that you don’t own. Everyone knows at least one asshole who’s still living off his parents’ money and probably doesn’t have a job outside of DJing, which we all know is not a real job. Wreck his car with him in it and then make it look like an accident. Flee the scene and when he freaks out call him a pussy for not getting the joke. Bonus points for billowing flames and a mention on your local news station.


Also do it near Gower.

GET A TATTOO YOU DON’T REALLY WANT

Since nothing is going to follow you all the way to January 1st, you might as well make it count. Get that tattoo you’ve been waffling about and give a it a test drive. If you don’t like it, no big deal. The slate is wiped clean. If you do, go get it re-done the next morning after it’s disappeared from your body.


Like an owl with tits.

BUY A BUNCH OF SHIT ON YOUR CREDIT CARD AND REPORT IT STOLEN

This is an oldie-but-goodie. The scam is a classic, but it never ceases to pay off. Go on a total shopping spree: neck pillows from Brookstone, sneakers from Foot Locker, hundreds of pre-paid cellphones—you name it. The only way this one works is if you buy things that you normally never would, so the operative word here is lavish. Think that Macaulay Culkin look-alike in Blank Check, nothing smaller than a water slide.


Hear he’s a junkie now.

—PINKY


Comments
  1. vegan jules says:

    If you fuck with my car I’ll kill you Derrick.

  2. I like doughnuts more than tits says:

    I already did the first but I made money off that shit and sold the parts for my dads meth habit whats next?

  3. Guinness says:

    Jesus, what happened to just aspiring to having an embarrassingly easy lay on New Year’s or at least aspiring to make it home drunk without being pulled over?


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