OK, so he’s only 61, but he had me for life at “Yes, it’s true, this man has no dick.”
His entire Wes Anderson repertoire is extra icing on the fuck cake I’m baking for Mr. Murray. Let’s go ahead and toss in the cameo in Zombieland, too, with a sexy, little “up” nod to his performance in Lost in Translation. I just love everything he does, and there’s nothing like a bright man who makes me laugh and has a little dough to burn to get the Delfino machine purring, and by machine, I mean my vajennifer. I heard he roughed up his wife a few years ago, and I’m embarrassed to admit that not even that discourages me. But let’s look at things realistically here—he was probably doing an awful lot of awesome drugs back then (I’m guessing), and she was probably giving him a lot of shit about that, because why wouldn’t she, and the timing probably wasn’t right for her to do that, because there’s not ever a good time to talk disparagingly to a really high person. But this is all pure speculation. Maybe she was like the chick in Citizen Kane and no matter what Bill Murray did, she was just like, “What about me?” and “You never give me anything I love.” Not that that makes her deserving of a slap, but he’s just a man, is all I’m saying. But I can’t really comment, because I’ve never sat down for a heart-to-heart tea with either of them. Regardless, I’d ride him like a getaway scooter zipping out of a city in flames.
This year, I started re-watching The Larry Sanders Show via Netflix an episode or three at a time and something occurred to me that I just didn’t notice as an ornery teen, and that is that Rip Torn is completely 100% fuckable. His gravelly yet dapper voice, his can-do spirit and gung-ho attitude, his alcohol-fueled wit—well, imagine that all in bed. I watch the episodes mostly for him. I don’t do anything weird like masturbate to The Larry Sanders Show, although someone should make a porn series of people masturbating to popular TV shows if they haven’t already (don’t forget to send me a cut of the check), but I’d have my way with Rip, and I’m not torn about it. I don’t care if he drinks so much, he tried to break into a bank because he thought it was his house. I’d give him some of that Chinese jelly that they sell in Chinatown and we could play a game where he pretended my vagina was Chase Manhattan all night long.
This antique Gemini’s still got it. B-Dubs, who just turned 70 a few days ago, was performing with his band the Beach Boys (duh) on his 50-year anniversary tour Monday night at Jones Beach and blew me a kiss and then caught mine when I returned a kiss, which is something a horny grandpa would do, and I’m into it. As a person whose favorite position is the missionary posish, I wouldn’t exactly call myself sexually depraved unless you count bedding a man 40+ years your senior, or writing a story about it as depravity, both of which I do not. But since it’s Brian Wilson, I’d completely get buck-wild with him, because that’s probably the only sex that gets him off anymore. I’d definitely eat his asshole if the “California Girls” crooner asked me to, or at least put a finger in it or maybe just sort of gently swirl my finger over it like it was a precious marble button, if that’s the sort of thing he’s into. And I don’t care if he’s 70, and I don’t care if he’s been in more vaginas than every speculum in every Planned Parenthood combined. I’d. Totally. Bang. Him.
I gotta toss out a dishonorable mention for Donald H. Rumsfeld. Too bad he was such a national creep and rubbed me so very much the wrong way, which is probably what weirdly turned me on about him to begin with, but I think he’s a foxy older guy and in another universe where he wasn’t a scary and compassion-free politi-bot made of money and power and consumes the souls of the weak, I’d call him Donny and maybe have been his girlfriend. Once upon a time, he was a scrappy hottie who went to Princeton and played football and wrestled, exactly the kind of person who would’ve beaten up John Cusack in Better Off Dead. But somehow he still does it for me, even at 79. Now excuse me while I go take a very cold shower and scrub myself with a Brillo pad.
There was also a time I would have banged Robert Plant, I don’t care if he’s got every species of STD known to man cataloged on each nut like a mini Mutter Museum, and I might have had my way with Todd Rundgren, too, once upon a time based on his musical genius alone, but he doesn’t do it for me any more, physically. There are a few others on there, like Geddy Lee and Gordon Lightfoot, and if I sit here and think about it, I’m hot for about half a dozen security guards, superintendents, and senior citizens that I run into on a weekly basis. Maybe I just have a thing for old dudes, but I don’t think so. I think I just have a thing for penises, and I don’t mind if they’re old, because I don’t devalue the elderly or their dicks.