Posted by
John Pittsley
• 07.31.17 03:22 pm

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Has everyone magically turned retarded or something? I know a bunch of assholes act like morons to fuck with other idiots but it’s gotten to the point where it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between the two. There are some people who deal with this by tuning all the stupid shit out but there’s one thing I just can’t ignore and that’s the lack of Pop-Tarts in people’s pantries.

I don’t know how this all started off. I’m not sure if it’s because of the whole gourmet-food/amateur-chef fad or the ridiculous idea that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Whatever it is, people have stopped acting like Pop-Tarts are the greatest breakfast option ever and started looking at them as some twisted form of punishment parents use when their kids are acting like little dick heads. It doesn’t make any sense.

I don’t understand why anyone would want anything else other than Pop-Tarts for breakfast. They’re basically the greatest morning pastry every created. Those jerkoffs over at Pillsbury even tried to copy them. Obviously, they didn’t come anywhere close. They made some piece of shit that you have to toast, is flaky as fuck, and has way more filling. You actually have to put the frosting on yourself, too. I guess that allows people to apply it just how they want it but who the fuck has enough time in the morning to squirt half an ounce of frosting on a pastry? What in the hell is a “strudel”, anyways? Whatever it is, it sounds gay as shit.

Pop-Tarts are perfect. They’re like an oversized frosted animal cracker; only kinda stale, less tasty, and filled with the tiniest bit of fruit filling. You don’t even have to toast them. In fact, they’ll get all fucked up if you do. It’s like trying to grill a granola bar. It’s pretty ingenious when you think about it because it almost forces you to get going in the morning instead of taking your sweet ass time. That’s the problem, too many people like to take their time in the morning and a lot of it has to do with the idea that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

I don’t know where people came up with this crazy idea. Breakfast is the most overrated meal ever. All anyone really needs in the morning is a cup of coffee and a slap in the face. Only a psychopath would wake up early enough to fry some bacon, scramble eggs, and make toast before starting their day. Housewives don’t even have time to do that shit for their families. They’re too busy getting the kids ready for school and making sure the husband has everything for work. Even when they get breakfast for themselves, it’s later in the day, centered around Bloody Marys, and has a completely different name. Breakfast is dumb as shit. Parents have only been tricked into thinking it’s important because of this supposed childhood obesity problem.

There’s no obesity epidemic among America’s youth. That’s just another scare tactic used by the media. Sure, some kids are heavier than others but that’s just baby fat and they all eventually burn it off anyways. Besides, children ought to be fat as fuck in their early years. Letting them run around playgrounds as scrawny, emaciated, little dweebs is how they get their bones broken and shit. That should be considered neglect. Children don’t need a healthy and balanced breakfast. They need fuel to get them through their day.

Pop-Tarts understands all this. They know all children really need in the morning is a cup of coffee and a slap in the face, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, that type of thing isn’t ‘cool’ by today’s standards. Most parents are too big of gay little pussies to even give their kids candy or soda to get them going in the morning. Luckily, the innovative geniuses over at Pop-Tarts have finally found a perfect solution to this retarded problem. Rather than continue making children’s meals way too gross and healthy, they’ve removed any semblance of fruit from their pastries and decided to start filling them with Jolly Ranchers and soda.

There are going to be plenty of assholes who hate this idea but if a parent truly loves their child, they ought to give them what they want and need. Some idiots may think that’s a healthy and balanced breakfast but all kids really want is candy and soda.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


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