Posted by
• 01.29.10 10:00 am

READER SUBMITTED CONTENT One night my parents were out of town and I decided to have a little get together at the house. I was 17 and whenever my parents left town, my shitty punk band would come over and we would practice in the living room because of the air conditioning (we live in Florida; it’s fucking hot in the garage). The original idea was to have our friends come over, we’d play a few drunken songs for them, and then we’d all have fun and be drunk and chill.

One night my parents were out of town and I decided to have a little get together at the house. I was 17 and whenever my parents left town, my shitty punk band would come over and we would practice in the living room because of the air conditioning (we live in Florida; it’s fucking hot in the garage). The original idea was to have our friends come over, we’d play a few drunken songs for them, and then we’d all have fun and be drunk and chill.

We took a stop by the Sawgrass Mall’s Oasis to pick up some girls to come over for the party, and lo and behold, this girl I wanted to fuck named Stacy was there and she wanted to come over. I dated her when we were like 14 or something, and ever since I met her I wanted to fuck her. BADLY. So she hopped in my buddy’s gay ass Neon (this kid had fucking plastic glow in the dark stars glued to the inside roof of his car and a Drive-Thru records compilation CD glued in his stereo) and headed back to HQ.

We all got back to the house , and my band proceed to not play but just drink and hang out. I told Stacy we should go to my room and watch a movie or something because it was too loud out in my living room. I was laying in bed talking to her and my dick head friend practically kicked the door open and tried to walk in. Of course I told him to GET THE FUCK OUT!, but she actually got up and closed the door in his face. At this point I realized it was in the fucking bag.

So after a few minutes of making out and whatever I pulled my dick out and got to work. She was and still is, phenomenally gorgeous and def one of the top five hottest girls I’ve ever been with. But what irked me was she didn’t suck dick or let me fuck her doggy, or even let me eat her pussy. The fuck noises she made were almost as if you were watching a porn on mute and decided to make the moans yourself. Because of this, I decided to put on a show and slam her as hard as I possibly could. My headboard was against the window frame and I was absolutely murdering it. I could hear my friends outside cheering me on and laughing, and the louder they cheered, the louder I told her to fake orgasming.

So I finished fucking her and walked back out into the living room to much applause, and she walked out wearing only my CBGB T-shirt (bought it at Hot Topic — STFU) and sat down on the couch next to my best friend, Sherman. I walked out onto my porch and lit up a Newport. I was talking with a couple a friends when I glance back in the house and there was Sherman, finger banging Stacy on my couch in front of everyone. I was like, “Fuck yeah! Go for it!”

Probably a few seconds later, I heard a blood curdling scream and Sherman came running out to the porch with his hand still in finger bang formation. I was like, “What? What?” He held his fingers up to my face and they were just soaked in cunt juice. Oh, and one of my leftover pubes was stuck to his finger.

The rest of that night was pretty uneventful and by 3 AM I wanted to fuck Stacy again, so I threw everyone out and told Sherman that I would call him when I was done. I fucked her in my parents’ bed (which they noticed when they came back and washed their sheets immediately). I fucked her in my sister’s bed, the couch, the kitchen counter, and on the dining room table.

I called Sherman when I was finished and he came back over. We kept drinking and I passed out on my couch in the living room. I woke up the next morning and there were a few sticks of celery, a carrot, a turkey baster, and a bunch of ripped up duct tape all over the floor. Still in a drunken daze, I was wondering what the fuck happened. I asked Sherman and he said, “Let’s go outside, bro. I’ll explain it.”

So he told me that Stacy has a fetish for being tied up (or maybe he has a fetish for tying hoes up?), so he bound her ankles, wrists, and her mouth with duct tape, and instead of fucking her, thought it would be funny to fuck her with vegetables from my mom’s fridge and a turkey baster, and leave nasty, cunt-stained veggies on the carpet all night. How the fuck I didn’t wake up with this going on right next to me, I’ll never know.

After he explained the story to me, Stacy woke up and called her bro to come get her and that was that. Oddly enough, Sherman end up dating her some years later for a little bit, but broke up with her because she was always too busy playing WoW to hang out.

The last time I saw her was a few months ago at a friend’s birthday dinner. In conversation, she said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I’m a cheap date.”

I butted in with, “Yeah, all you need to do is buy a vegetable platter.”


  1. o'toole says:


  2. Brap! Brap! says:

    Look … (sigh) … I rarely complain about posts on this site, but this is rough.

  3. Jimmy Fucking Carter says:

    Well, my dad has a bazooka.

  4. Treetop says:

    Why in the world would you publish this?

  5. Jackson says:

    Barely sounds true, I mean I’d put money on 75 percent or more being false.

  6. Atheist says:

    ‘When we were teenagers we did dirty things, with dirty girls. We were dirty. Ha ha ha.’

  7. MTVemployee says:

    this was on an episode of season 1 of “parental control.” the simple plan guy and your parents were outside in a van the whole time.

  8. Billy Cox says:

    o’toole’s lame

  9. Dork says:

    ZOMG! I like totally fucked someone once, too! It was like awesome!

  10. ew ( 4 REALZ, YO ) says:

    ^ i’ve always wondered what the “z” stands for.

  11. Jackie McChuckles says:

    Billy Cox’s middle name is Needs.

  12. Billy Cox says:

    dude i’ve heard that since like, 1st grade. also, jiggles, and a bunch of other dumb shit

  13. reality cheque says:

    i can’t tell who you’re lying to more. us? or yourself?

  14. Crowbar says:

    “yeah all you need to do is buy a vegetable platter.”
    Funny and well written.

  15. youragaylord says:

    Oh another Billy “story” about having sex, involving carrots and whatever?(i might of believed you if you said cucumber). I skipped to the middle and read the pube line, dude you must have huge ginger pubes for your friend to find one on his finger. I also noticed the WoW reference and the fact you bought your “punk” shirt at hot topic. When you ad real life details to your make believe, it shows us your a virgin nerd. Your stories are only posted so everyone can laugh at you,you know that right?

  16. Billy Cox says:

    hahaha. you’re a fucking hater that’s just jealous your loser ass never had any fun or pulled any hot girls

  17. aaaaaaa says:

    i’m not the previous poster, but i’m “def” a hater. not because this sounds made up, but because it’s not written well enough to be entertaining.

  18. bobdole says:

    girls i’ve known that are boring straight-fucks seem to like being tied up, but even then can be kinda bland

  19. lol@u says:

    ha ha good ending. golf clap

  20. alyse says:

    HATAZZZ on the cox
    true story. excellent ending. youre welcome wittle <3

  21. no.thanks. says:

    reminds me of the skanky shit that would go down with people in high school. of course i never witnessed any of it because i was bused in, meaning that i wasnt forced to hang out with tarded suburban skanks like this.

  22. Jay says:

    I don’t care its true or not, its fucking funny

  23. mandi says:

    bullshit. i know the kid with the neon. and unless your nickedemous, i don’t buy your story.

  24. i fucked MANDI last night says:

    can i buy you a vegetable platter?

  25. tus papa says:


  26. Billy Cox says:

    hahaha i know nickodemus

  27. Billy Cox says:

    as a matter of fact, ask him about the OTHER tape we made at dave’s house. fuck face!

  28. Anonymous says:

    I really hope No.Thanks wasn’t talking about me. Although it really doesn’t matter if he was.

  29. Zippy says:

    A fascinating look at suburban life. Are you sure you didn’t blow a load all over her after 15 seconds and the rest is literary license?

  30. geht's noch says:

    this article is a waste of space.

  31. mandi says:

    dave would never let any one film a fuck tape at his house. he would cry whenever i would come over to fuck his temporary roomate, pete.

  32. mandi says:

    @i fucked MANDI last night : i only like meat.

  33. jackie stallone says:

    you marroons need to look up “context” in the DICKTIONARY. are you guys rally that fucking dumb.. it embarrasses me to see your lame lonely comments tarnishing these comedic beeooties. it’s like seeing emily blunt wearing some wet black rubber tit thing and nothing else but then you see a long curly shit hanging down from her ass.. it’s not appreciated

  34. Billy Cox says:

    pete anthony? i was the bad kid that brought all the liquor and sex. we brought a girl over and he grabbed the camera and his crowning achievement of the night was me getting out of the pool naked, and it was like january, and laughing about my weiner being shrunk. i just talked to dave today actually. they threw me out of that band bc i was too punk and not emo enough

  35. Billy Cox says:

    also i met my longterm gf at that time bc she was dating that kid tiger/taco when we played together. small world.

  36. boy ghost says:

    son i am dissapoint.

  37. Billy Cox says:

    father, am sorry

  38. Ted Danson says:

    This might surprise you, young man, but most people have at some point, you know, had sex. Which was at least as exciting as this, if not more so. The general thrust of this story is that you had boring sex with a girl who has the absolutel slightest soft-bondage fetish, and allows people to put bog-standard masturbation objects inside her.

    I really hope you’re about sixteen, because trust me, things can get a hell of a lot more interesting from here.

  39. Billy Cox says:

    i guess after fucking that skank whoopie goldberg everything else looks boring as fuck, eh mate?

    i actually have much more interesting and unbelievable stories. my stripper chronicles, dating a porn star, first time at anal, deaf girls etccccc

  40. Too long says:

    Open Mic is like Chinese water torture. Slow, painful and performed by people with tiny penises.

  41. ROPEY says:

    how about liminting everybody to one comment and one reBUTThole

  42. Billy Cox says:


  43. Bennycassim says:

    Proposal: The fact that Mr. Cox is so vehemently defending his post is a sure sign of its failure.

    Please debate.

  44. gulla gulla says:

    me no like!

  45. Billy Cox says:

    i wouldnt call it vehemently defending it. more like, a bunch of jealous fags talking shit

  46. man says:


  47. mandi says:

    that’s the pete! dated the kid for two years. i met all those guys through alex. by the time copasetic was being “founded” with alex, rino, and dan i was already away at college. interesting time lapse that we never had the pleasure to meet.

  48. Billy Cox says:

    hah yea. pete taught me tapping and hammer-ons and shit like that bc he was so into randy rhoads back then. when they threw me out it was dave, pete and this weird kid i cant remember his name, and i took it personally so i told them all to fuck off. then i started to date shana and that further alienated me from them all bc its dan tiger’s xgf. u prob would have hated me if u met me back then i was kind of the asshole. i heard pete moved to PA.

  49. Bennycassim says:

    Let me retract my former statement. It was kind of harsh, you know? The hell with it, it’s great that you got laid. I too hate it when the bone of your dreams turns out to be dreck. In times like those, your only good option is to turn it into a funny.

  50. Billy Cox says:

    hahaahaha thats EXACTLY what happened. and thank you.

  51. felicia says:

    I love the sawgrass mall.

    Billy Cox and I are probably neighbors.

  52. Billy Cox says:

    prob. i graduated piper in 03 and grew up on the corner on nob hill and oakland. i live in boca now tho

  53. Bennycassim says:

    I’ve been to the Sawgrass Mall before. My lumberjack uncle and ruinous cousins live in Sunrise.

  54. Billy Cox says:

    the oasis was the fuckin spot from like 98-02. im surprised so many ppl from down here r on here. wtf.

  55. cuban nipple crisis says:

    what the fuck is this, facebook now? this is the lamest lame that ever lamed.

  56. marbles says:

    I’m agreeing with Mr. Ted Danson.

  57. kure kure takora says:

    this is worse than arv, but not as bad as aileen awful

  58. IP Address says:

    Blognigger, this new “Billy Cox” character you’ve created is actually kind of entertaining.

  59. felicia says:

    I’m in boca too, but never went to oasis for those glory days.

  60. Billy Cox says:

    haha. im the real deal motherfucker as u can see.

    @felicia, ya u r my neighbor. if ur cute hit me up on facebook

  61. felicia says:

    Unfortunately billy, your sex stories don’t rub me the right way in which I would contact you via facebook to eventually get rubbed.

    see you on glades rd though.

  62. Billy Cox says:

    hahaha you’re probably fat and embarrassed

  63. Ted Danson says:

    I’ll invalidate your other examples right now: Strippers and porn stars aren’t that hard to fuck, because they’re used to using themselves as currency anyway and don’t have many qualms about it. “Deaf girls” aren’t medieval, freakshow type creatures, they’re just women who can’t hear. You might as well have said “women with feet over a size 13”. And first-time anal? Yeah, pretty much everyone has that story.

    Sorry, but God, I hate when people think the fact they’ve had sex somehow makes them compelling.

  64. felicia says:

    Definitely not babycakes <3

  65. Billy Cox says:

    you’re a retard mr danson and you’re jealous that all you do is fucking boring fat vanilla hoes- i wont even argue your points because they suck and you’re clueless, and felicia is fat and/or ugly or both.

  66. The Duke of Wank says:

    Billy Cox for President, Ted Danson for V.P., and let the hunt commence.

  67. Goat Chaser says:

    awesome story. wtf was your buddy doing awake after 3am?

  68. iluvfatgirls says:

    when is billy going to say anything intelligent so that even though his stories are gross, crude and mediocre, i can maybe believe he is a real writer and has at least an ounce of talent?

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