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• 07.31.09 10:00 am

READER SUBMITTED CONTENT I am glad to hear that Street Carnage is for sure ready for me. My background is murky to say the least…

I am glad to hear that Street Carnage is for sure ready for me. My background is murky to say the least, but with the advent of the information superhighway and with the aid of webTV, I’ve been able to piece a few things together. As near as I can tell, I am the product of a biological process called Parthenogenesis, which is an asexual form of reproduction found in females where growth and development of embryos occur without fertilization by males. This would have taken place sometime in the early sixties, but I cannot be certain of the exact date. My early childhood is something I prefer not to discuss in great detail, but I would say it was pretty typical. Later, in my adolescence, I discovered an interest in Heavy Metal…literally. At the age of 13 I began an informal apprenticeship at a local machine shop, where the atmosphere was laden with an affinity for all things metal. Initially I was responsible for menial tasks such as sweeping up metal shavings and oiling tools, but as I got to know the guys around the shop I found myself immersed in a new world where I quickly developed tastes for everything from Norse mythology, exotic metallurgy, and above all, Iron Maiden. This was the late seventies so we’re talking some early shit, the best shit. Anyway, the years went by and I really was content making various utilitarian objects with the great skill I accrued on that shop floor, but something was missing. One day while looking through a pile of mill ends and oily rags I found a piece of metal, which until that moment I’d only read about. As it turns out it was a shard of a meteorite composed almost entirely of crystalline iron, if you looked at it just right you could see the lattice pattern of iron crystal, forged by some cataclysmic happening in the cosmos, the heavens: it was fate. I spent the better part of a year turning this former heavenly body into the most amazing pair of sai (swords) the world has ever seen (incidentally,most people don’t know this, but each of my sais’ handles unscrews; inside of the left one is a small vibrating motor, while the other one contains a very sensitive ceramic heating element which cuts off at precisely 99.8°F— wouldn’t want to burn anybody). God, I’ve pleasured so many with them, so many. So that about covers it, but I’ll answer a few frequently asked questions to get the ball running on our interview.

1: “How did you get into cunt-smashing?”

Well, it’s pretty easy to explain. I basically just do it as a sideline. Most of your readers are probably too young to remember the economic hardships we Americans faced during the 1980s. I needed the dough and don’t regret it for a moment, but cunt smashing is ancillary to my true calling. Besides, I already had the awesome body armor.

2: “How do you get all the ladies?”

That’s pretty simple. With women it comes down to one thing, and money is definitely not it.

Pheromones. To achieve the optimal concentrationbof pheromones, I start with leather pants. Leather pants prevent air circulation around the genitals and thus prevent the pheromone-saturated genital sweat from evaporating uncontrollably. The second step is to alter your bathing routine so that you never wash this accumulated sweat/pheromone soup from your genitals more frequently than once every other day, but take care not to push this too far as the effect is reversed if you go past the third day. Finally, when in the company of the fairer sex, I ensure that the fly of my leather pants is down exactly 1/3 the length of the zipper. You don’t want to be totally sleazy with all your junk hanging out. Rather, you just want to use the combination of the airtightness of leather pants and the small aperture you formed by unzipping them slightly as a set of bellows which will basically emit a cloud of your pheromone-rich genital odour every time you move. God, I should write a book. Having the right moves helps a little, as does the right hip shoulder ratio, but trust me: leather pants will make up for many shortcomings. I hope this helps you on your way, and let me now if you have any more compelling questions I can answer for you.

What is your standard method, and who the fuck are you?

My “standard method”, if you could call it that, involves infusing wine coolers or Zima (or if it’s a family thing, Pepsi Crystal) with various substances you can get on the world wide web. I am Cunt Smasher,
and when a woman sees me, it’s as if the best dream she’s ever had came true.

I have a feeling they would love you in Japan.

You know everyone says that, but I was in Japan once and it felt like everyone was on LSD. Actually, I was just in Chinatown once, and it was weird. But Cunt Smasher belongs to the people, so I am certain the great nation of Japan has a place in it’s heart for me. You know, I think the Japanese are culturally superior to all other civilizations because they seem to have a system of etiquette that covers every possible contingency, like if I was crashing at your house and I left a lube stain on your white leather couch. If you were an American you would be all awkward, you would be pissed off and you would also be hoping that I would pay to clean it up but you wouldn’t say either of those things, you would just say “It’s okay, we can just turn the cushion over, no big deal”, but really you would decide at that moment never to invite me over again. On the other hand if you were Japanese and the same situation happened, you would probably apologize for having a white leather sofa in the first place. A subtle semantic difference maybe, but yeah. Maybe they would love me in Japan.

Please let me know about sex techniques. You seem to know what you’re doing: soft or hard, powerful curling thrusts if they have big pussies, banging in circular movements…what else is there?

I normally don’t kiss and tell, or fuck and tell as it were, but I have developed a system which consists of various Kama Sutra positions used in combination with sai techniques. Most women are not as apprehensive about having the handles of my sais inside of them as you might think. Other techniques I’ve adapted for my purposes include constructing a reality where the importance of consent is only contemplated afterwards, and I’ve found that those who may have expressed slight reservations before the act of sexual intercourse (they are few) usually come around during or after the act. Above all though I would just say that I am an extraordinarily sensitive lover who knows how to discover a woman’s most primal desires.

The 80’s was a great time, that’s also when you first got started. What’s going on these days?

Well, having a well established cunt-smashing career under my belt, I find that I finally have the time and space to look inward. I think the most important thing is to find a way to do what you want, what you really want, and if you can also support yourself from it, well, hell. You know, I probably have a lot of kids running around and they would probably want me to be the best Cunt Smasher I could be, and I think that also makes me a good father, or at the very least a source of high quality sperm, so I also spend a lot of time analyzing my own techniques in the mirror, perfecting each movement. I have a room in the basement with mirrors on all of the walls as well as the fl oor and ceiling so I can see myself from every angle. I used to bring the ladies there, but it would always take them too long to clean all the mirrors after we were finished so now its a place for me to go and just concentrate on what I’m doing without any distractions.

Lets be honest. What drugs does the Cunt Smasher take?

I’m a pretty straight arrow when it comes to that business, but there was this one time when I did some aquatinted blow off the back of a black toilet in an all black bathroom, it was pretty awesome.

Tell us your best story so far.

The absolute best story is probably the time when I was on a plane to Cincinatti, and Steve Perry from Journey was sitting in front of me. I bet he would be a really nice guy if you got to know him. Anyway, he was wearing really nice cologne, like Drakkar, and I spent most of the flight playing with a few wisps of his hair that were between the headrest and the window. Then I got a few flight attendants to join the mile high club. Classic. There was this other time where there was a car accident in front of my house and I was the only one man enough to use the jaws of life to rip the roofs off of the cars to save the two women. They were both really hot and only a little scraped up, so I took them back to my place and showed them what a real collision was.

OK, so there’s a woman lying in front of you; she’s Moroccan and begging for the Cunt Smasher to throw her around, though your phone rings and suddenly you have a 21-year-old blond saying that if you come over she will make you chicken soup and suck you ’til you’re blue in the face. She lives downstairs and wants you there in 1 minute. However, there is also a black woman, very hot, so black that she looks blue, grabbing your ankles (from under the bed where the Moroccan woman is lying) and wanting to teach you the African squat-fuck, which option are you going to take?

It’s funny you ask, because I found myself in this same situation the other day. First, I penetrate the Moroccan (and lift her up with no hands, if you know what I mean) and I start shuffling backwards so I can fuck the Moroccan but have the option of pretending it is the black woman (still holding on) if I so desire, while I make my way downstairs. Once I get there everyone will be pretty riled, up so I just stack them up (with whitey in the middle like an Oreo), to make like a vaginal traffic light. Pink means go. Totally awesome. Cunt Smasher doesn’t discriminate, so I would be sure to give them each an equal amount of both my attention and semen, using a graduated cylinder just to be sure. Yeah, pretty standard day.


  1. Spud Gun says:


  2. tusxu5es says:

    is this real?

  3. Dr. Fate says:

    Shriekback is awesome!

  4. crampon says:

    great piece. i lol’d then i beat off to the video. not because im gay, but because that dudes armor was so awesome. and im gay

  5. Hyperbole says:

    That music sounded suspiciously similar to The Zit Remedy’s “Everybody Wants Somethin”.
    Ol bitin ass Cunt Smasher.

  6. joe the lion says:

    you should hire that guy

  7. drekula says:


  8. Shawn Michaels says:

    Fucking Genuis!

  9. De Niro says:

    You..YOUUU…you’re very good you.

  10. Kaia says:

    Yes my dream came true, but does Cunt Smasher have a true name so I can look him up?

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