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• 07.31.09 11:00 am

READER SUBMITTED CONTENT In New York, life gets a little wild for just about everyone during the summer months. For me, getting wasted and bringing shitty dudes home…

In New York, life gets a little wild for just about everyone during the summer months. For me, getting wasted and bringing shitty dudes home was a joyous equivalent to cooling off by jumping around in the spray of an open fire hydrant with neighborhood kids. The hot asphalt on a street corner was my bed, and the refreshing water was my shower of shame, regret, and delirium tremens. Being a reckless retard is pretty easy when you excuse it with “heeey fuck it, it’s summer!” and when I think about my last few years in the city I have a hard time believing my vagina didn’t just up and quit on me. I guess a few times, it almost did.

The warm weather hadn’t really even hit yet when I took this dude home from a friend’s party. Having probably guzzled, sniffed, and smoked anything I could get my hands on that night, the hook up was pretty sloppy from what I could remember, but my foggy memory of the night did include one exciting thing: His. dick. was. huge. I’m talking 99 cent can of Arizona Ice Tea huge. God had biggie sized his combo, and then some. A few weekends went by and I finally convinced the dude to come to my place to drink on my roof to admire the view of Manhattan (and my tits).

At some point in the night, mid-beej, he accused me of toothing on his monster dong and instead of apologizing, I got indignant as fuck, placing the blame fully on him because how DARE he have a dick that big. This, of course, ended up being the perfect set up for severe session of body mangling hate-fucking. After he left the next morning, I went to take a wee little tinkle, only to realize that his Arizona can had not been too kind to my poor labe. Wiping was excruciating, sitting was out of the question, and any sudden movement sent sharp pain ricocheting through my entire crotchal area. Still half wasted, I decided to find relief in the freezer and filled a ziplock bag with ice cubes and cooled that pussy down. Three hours later, I woke up in a puddle of freezing water, my hand still pressing a crumpled, empty sandwich bag between my legs.

– Mom

  1. miss appalachian says:

    arizona tea is only 99 cents in new york? thats a steal.

  2. Mary says:

    I’m sorry for your labe, Mom! Next time grab the frozen peas!

  3. pubert says:

    arizona is 99 cents everywhere. it’s printed on the goddamned can.

  4. imyar says:

    “body mangling hate-fucking” book title!

  5. Ew. says:


  6. Street Boning says:

    This smells of Gavin’s tomfoolery!

  7. Montage says:

    thread is nothing without pictures.

  8. John Doie says:

    that’s really sadistic to sign off with “mom.”

  9. SARS says:


  10. loudmouthed cooze says:

    HAHAHAHA nice fuck mom

  11. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    I suspect you possess middling looks, with a touch of chub around the middle, upper arms, and armpit zones. However, you know how to exploit a pair of high heels, and are well versed in the use of a hideaway-dress®. Can i get either confirmation, or denial?

  12. mom says:

    Triple D and CBs – how can you see through the computer? where are the cameras? At the time this bang sesh took place, you would’ve been dead on.

  13. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    Sounds good, I like your style!

  14. streetbummers says:

    Williamsburg snatch is a fucking Sarlac pit and then some.

  15. damn guy says:


  16. bonerfied says:

    There’s no way this is real, this whole thing reads like a poem of a first year student from New School. The only thing it’s maybe missing is a line about the burning street lights or neighberhood characters drinking, “40’s”.

  17. white power says:

    said before say it again…

    there are two types of women in this world:


    and my beloved mom.

  18. […] can find the first “Mom” story here, and check in on Monday for Gavin’s great debut. Subscribe to comments Comment | […]

  19. dad says:

    Why do all of these dumb sluts think there is anything special about getting fucked by some idiot Italian? GETTING FUCKED IS THE LEAST ORIGINAL SHIT IN THE WORLD, why don’t you keep your legs closed for a week that would be something that surprised me.

  20. mom says:

    Italians have tiny cocks. Anything else?

  21. the realist says:

    i sense lesley arfin is a foot

  22. gay shitt says:

    stop writing articles about Leddy already — everybody knows he has a monster cock.

  23. Illustrated Guide to Blackface says:

    Come on now, wouldn’t you rather have a night of fun with Arnold Palmer?

  24. Average Cock says:

    We often hear women say, “it’s not the size that matters, it’s what you do with it.” This has always struck me as a bit odd, becuase even if a guy who had a gigantic cock had no skill with regards to foreplay or keeping up a good, fast-paced grinding rhythm, the girl would still be able to go on top and gorge herself on ultra-large penis, any way she wants.

    So what’s the truth here, girls? Is the aforementioned phrase just a lazy cop-out to appease guys with tiny cocks, or would you really rather have a guy with a 6 inch cock who “knows what to do with it” or a guy with a ten inch cock who’s totally fucking clueless?

  25. Average Cock Redux says:

    You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth

  26. Not a Tree says:

    You guys have to pay 99 cents for that shit?
    Us niggaz is payin’ 89 cents for that Arizona crisp.

    Dag yo.

  27. pubert says:

    dear average–

    can you lick pussy like a pro? do you have nice soft nimble fingers? are you dramatic, do you tease, do you linger, do you touch, do you talk dirty, do you take control? yes? then you’re fine. when they say “knows what to do with it” it should be “knows what to do” — biggish dicks are nice but they dont make you cum.

  28. Vagisil says:


    ‘Cause I’ve seen literally hundreds of cocks up close in all different colors and I’ve watched hundreds of hours of gay and straight porn…and honestly, no soda cans there.

    Couple of things, sister:

    Small dicks run an ugly swath across all races, so please…don’t leave that burning bag of shit on the Italians’ porch to make a literary point. Huge cocks also run through a cross section of all races (with the exception of every Asian guy I’ve ever seen in my life…sorry, I don’t mean to be a cunt). Nobody has the huge cock market cornered.

    There is not a human cock on Earth with girth of the size you describe. Period. It may have felt that way, but perhaps you should find another way to belittle the men you’ve slept with and/or feel better about your own physical dimensions.

    It is almost physically impossible (and also quite dangerous) to force something that wide up your birth canal unless…fuck I dunno, maybe you’re unconscious because you’ve been roofied or you’re already having a baby and you’ve dilated.

    Great story, though…I love slutty, filthy women more than life itself. Just lay off the Italians.

  29. SR says:

    Vagisil has it pegged. Seriously, no cock is the girth of an Arizona. Maybe the girth of a can of shaving cream? But nothing more. I’ve watched enough porn to realize this as well.

    Also, I had a gym class with this dumbshit italian named larry who had a huge wang. He was terribly embarrassed of the thing becase it fell out of his shorts all the time and when it was limp it looked too long or something. To top it off he had his foreskin intact and highschool kids thought that was a riot.

    Girls always mused how gross they thought it was and guys were making fun of him until grade twelve when he laid what seemed like 20% of the 2000 girls at my school. So big dick italians exist, even if they’re clueless dumb wops.

  30. mom says:

    Pretty certain I would’ve split straight in half had the thing actually been that large. I’ve met bigger shlongs since, actually, but I think the element of surprise was what did me in with ol’ Arizona here.

  31. funk that says:

    Reading the dialogue between the women above has helped me to confirm my decision to remain celibate for the rest of my life.

    You filthy, worn-out, worthless hags. What makes you think your tattered and rotten vaginas are worthy of producing life?

  32. Daz76 says:

    Had me at “Crotchal”, sealed the deal with “Mom”. I liked that one!!

  33. Sal says:

    You would be surprised what you can fit into a vagina. At 8:38.

  34. thelibert1ne says:

    Yeah. That reminds me of some video where some German woman was putting a tallboy all up in her holiest of holies. The dude made her keep it up there while she waddled around. When she finally had permission to let it out, he made her go real slow while he said things like, “Go on then. Give birth to it!”

  35. it's amy says:

    I love the way she writes and can totally relate!!! well not to her vagina getting torn up to shreds, but to the summer time slut syndrome.

  36. AQDNK says:

    This is retarded. Everyone knows women can’t measure for shit..

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