READER SUBMITTED CONTENT: A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed in that dream-like yet hyper-ruminative state well known to insomniacs, when I suddenly snapped out of it with a desperate need to rub one out.
A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed in that dream-like yet hyper-ruminative state well known to insomniacs, when I suddenly snapped out of it with a desperate need to rub one out. Fortunately, I became aware that I had been watching tennis from the Australian Open for the past six hours and currently playing was Caroline Wozniacki, whose disarmingly sweet face and 20-year-old creamy Danish whiteness would be a perfect vehicle. Actually, I’d been meaning to spank it to her for quite some time, but could never remember to. Perfect timing, right?
The problem, however, was that her opponent was one Francesca Schiavone, who looks like a cross between Ivan Lendl and Jar Jar, and who bellowed a Rambo-like roar every time she hit the ball. As you can imagine, in the rapid back-and-forth of a tennis match the chances of mis-timing the finish would be huge.
Another factor was that despite her luscious, buttery skin and face of an angel, Wozniacki bafflingly has always tended to wear outfits that kind of make her body look like Mrs. Garrett’s from Different Strokes. This meant I would have to be selective about the camera angle and zoom distance. Clearly this journey was going to be fraught with peril.
(Incidentally, for all three of you reading this who are old enough to remember Different Strokes, the genre-redefining sitcom that courageously touched on provocative questions of race and socio-cultural identity, do you think Mr. Drummond ever anally penetrated Mrs. Garrett during the taping of he show? Or do you think he was he too busy taking turns with Willis, sliding it inside Dana Plato/Kimberly in exchange for crack? This is one of the questions I often ruminate on when in a sleepless state of mind.)
Anyway, I’m happy to tell you it went quite well. I managed to finish on Wozniacki’s creamy, flushed chest (with bold cross necklace!) during a relatively prolonged close-up of her serve toss. But let me tell you, this took all my skill to be a success — the hard-won fruit of years of experience with issues of concentration, pacing, retention, etc. Afterwards, I realized this was probably my very first spank during a sporting event (and I’m thankful I only realized this afterwards; it would have added too much additional pressure).
Really, the opportunities are pretty rare if you think about it. The only sports I can think of where there’s enough skin and they’re not butch-dykes are tennis and figure skating, and in tennis the really hot ones are usually terrible (e.g. Anna Kournikova) so they don’t get much TV time.
Gabriela Sabatini was definitely part of my montage back in the day, but that was before I had my own TV.
Slight chance I managed to yank it to Michelle Kwan in real time during the ’96 Olympics, but that may be wishful thinking.
Send “Open Mic” written/video submissions to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com