Brothers, gents, countrymen, and assorted randy lads and bucks galloping like centaurs through fields of feminine flowers and wantonly squirting their seed the world over, I regret to inform you that the worm has turned on the world’s sperm. Our gonads face a crisis of historic proportions. A Spermocaust is unfolding a mere three feet beneath our very eyes.
“French men not producing as much sperm,” trumpets the headline to a Reuters article written by—haw!—Andrew M. Seaman and citing a study released last Wednesday by the journal Human Reproduction. The study, thought to be the most comprehensive of its kind ever, scrutinized the jizz-production of 26,609 Frenchmen from 1989 to 2005 and found that the number of insouciant, beret-wearing tadpoles in their semen decreased by nearly a third during that time period. The study also found a “significant” decrease in the quality of the sperm, which I presume was achieved through rigorous taste-testing.
One might rightfully ask, “Yes, but who counts the sperm-counters?” and for that I truly have no answer, nor do I deign to fabricate one merely to please you. And yes, it is always a mistake to project the experiences of Frenchmen onto the world’s non-Gallic male population, but other data suggest a similar trend. An Israeli sperm bank recently bemoaned a similar drop of viable sperm among its donors. A 2001 report in the British Medical Journal concluded that men born after 1970 coughed up 25% fewer sperm per wad than men born prior to 1959. A groundbreaking (ball-breaking?) 1992 meta-study by a Danish endocrinologist revealed that from 1938 to 1990, global sperm counts had plummeted a scrotum-shrinking 42%.
The disturbing dip in sperm counts is apparently coinciding with a trend of declining levels of the Evil Male Hormone testosterone.
In response to the new French sperm study, the website slate.com, which like so much of the new soft-dicked Goddess-compliant press seems on a menstrual mission of minstrelsy to publicly geld any man who exhibits any manliness, asked, “Why are men so bad at making sperm cells?”
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