Posted by
Jim Goad
• 12.11.12 10:00 am


Brothers, gents, countrymen, and assorted randy lads and bucks galloping like centaurs through fields of feminine flowers and wantonly squirting their seed the world over, I regret to inform you that the worm has turned on the world’s sperm. Our gonads face a crisis of historic proportions. A Spermocaust is unfolding a mere three feet beneath our very eyes.

French men not producing as much sperm,” trumpets the headline to a Reuters article written by—haw!—Andrew M. Seaman and citing a study released last Wednesday by the journal Human Reproduction. The study, thought to be the most comprehensive of its kind ever, scrutinized the jizz-production of 26,609 Frenchmen from 1989 to 2005 and found that the number of insouciant, beret-wearing tadpoles in their semen decreased by nearly a third during that time period. The study also found a “significant” decrease in the quality of the sperm, which I presume was achieved through rigorous taste-testing.

One might rightfully ask, “Yes, but who counts the sperm-counters?” and for that I truly have no answer, nor do I deign to fabricate one merely to please you. And yes, it is always a mistake to project the experiences of Frenchmen onto the world’s non-Gallic male population, but other data suggest a similar trend. An Israeli sperm bank recently bemoaned a similar drop of viable sperm among its donors. A 2001 report in the British Medical Journal concluded that men born after 1970 coughed up 25% fewer sperm per wad than men born prior to 1959. A groundbreaking (ball-breaking?) 1992 meta-study by a Danish endocrinologist revealed that from 1938 to 1990, global sperm counts had plummeted a scrotum-shrinking 42%.

The disturbing dip in sperm counts is apparently coinciding with a trend of declining levels of the Evil Male Hormone testosterone.

In response to the new French sperm study, the website slate.com, which like so much of the new soft-dicked Goddess-compliant press seems on a menstrual mission of minstrelsy to publicly geld any man who exhibits any manliness, asked, “Why are men so bad at making sperm cells?

READ THE REST HERE.

 

—JIM GOAD

 


Comments
  1. Zippy says:

    Most of my friends children are little assholes so maybe “enough is enough” with the sperm production can be a good thing here.

  2. r knuckleberry says:

    It’s from hormones in the meat we eat. Vegetarian men are not affected. Christ.


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