Posted by
Christi Bradnox
• 01.18.08 10:00 pm

JEREMY PIVEN

Is Owen Wilson dead yet? He was great in Bottle Rocket but ever since then he’s been a boring, sexy nerd with a distracting demeanor. Besides, sometimes you want people to die just because everyone else loves

Is Owen Wilson dead yet? He was great in Bottle Rocket but ever since then he’s been a boring, sexy nerd with a distracting demeanor. Besides, sometimes you want people to die just because everyone else loves them so much. When he tried to kill himself recently, an article in the Montreal Gazette said, “He had fame, fortune and talent 99.9% of us couldn’t even imagine.” He should die just because some nerd from Quebec thinks that. In fact, lots of people need to die.
Ben Stiller and Jim Carrey are comedy legends for doing one joke again and again and again. Stiller is the befuddled innocent clown who keeps clogging the toilet and getting tricked by monkeys while Carrey takes the Ministry of Silly Walks, adds it to his face, and then takes it to the bank. Both these guys should be in a car accident that decapitates them.
Billy Crystal and Robin Williams are the same thing but old as shit. When Billy Crystal scrunches up his face and pretends to be a black man with a trumpet you want to ram both up Robin Williams’ ass. How about these guys die in a plane crash?
James Belushi and Dan Aykroyd should change their names to James theDouche-i and Dan Ack-PersonThatNeedsToDie. James Belushi should fall off the stage during one of his boomer blues cabarets he charges so much for and Fuckface should suffer a heart attack during yet another SNL after-party he’s forced his way into. After that we get into the “doye” category of Tom Cruise and John Travolta but death is already well aware of their irritation factor.
We obviously want the same people to die that you do but what about the more cultured of the death fantasy taste, more esoteric victims, people the grim reaper hasn’t thought of yet?
Like that lying anus Lilly Hillbilly or whatever his name was. The guy who “started CBGB.” That was a good one. Hilly was the owner of a shitty club a bunch of rich art students decided would be a great place to play guitars and say “Psycho Killer Qu’est-ce Que C’est” to their pretentious friends. All he did was take their money. When his name appeared in every punk history coffee table book ever, he started making millions in t-shirts. Yes the landlord raised the rent but Hilly pretending he couldn’t afford it was a scam. You might as well have had Bono complaining about the rent of U2′s practice space. The real crisis was CBGB’s overhead chipping away at his beloved t-shirt sales. This is why it’s good news the dark side took him off our hands.
Here’s the next 3 we hope the lord taketh away…

VINCENT D’ONOFRIO
VINCENT D’ONOFRIO
Look at this guy’s asshole face. He’s a manic-depressive with kids all over the place and he keeps collapsing at work from “exhaustion.” Can we get him out of here please? He talks like his penis is being held shut with elastic bands.
Best way for him to go: Hit by a building.

PETER SAARSGARD

PETER SAARSGARD
He has the face of a smug rich kid who just shat on your porch. What is with that awful smirk? Most chicks want to fuck him which is one of the reasons God invented sexism. He’s got to go. Sorry.
Best way for him to go: Stomach cancer.

JEREMY PIVEN

JEREMY PIVEN
If you’ve seen his Discovery special “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime” you almost don’t want him to die because his phony LA vibe is so torturous it’s almost delicious. The way he pretends to be so into the third world and walks around India with his collarless shirt undone makes you want to slowly sandpaper his arms off with “Holiday in Cambodia” blaring in the background. The guy basically beats off to himself in the mirror and has no idea he is the laughing stock of everyone over 16 who does not live in California.
The last time he was in the news it was for walking up to Sting (another douche but somehow not as bad) at a restaurant and saying “If they ever did a movie about The Police I should play you.” Wow.
Best way for him to go: Please let him get so addicted to meth his teeth fall out and he has to blow old men to pay for his habit.

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UPDATES: Holy shit, what were we thinking when we left out Steve Harvey? What’s with his entire head? He looks like a Fisher Price toy. I had heard through the LA comedy grapevine that the guy is so insufferable, only his well-paid bodyguard will hang out with him then, two weeks later, I was in Las Vegas and saw him and his bodyguard totally alone, strolling through the casino wearing 1940s zoot suits! They both had those unreasonable wide brim hats on and the bodyguard was handcuffed to a steel suitcase full of Steve’s hundred dollar bills.
Now, Vegas is filled with bank machines and cashiers that can give you as much money as you want whenever you want. Unless you are betting one million dollars a time there is no need whatsoever for a fucking briefcase full of Benjamins. In fact, carrying that much money in a casino hasn’t made sense since about 1940. By the way Steve, zoot suits were about poor blacks and Hispanics showing off during WWII’s textile shortage by saying, “Fabrics are scarce but I could give a shit. Check out how much of it I can fit on my body.” In 2007, where we’re not exactly for want of any material, you are basically a “newsie.”

Best way for him to go: Iraq.

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Another piece of poo we totally forgot to include is Wesley Snipes, king of the perpetually serious douchebags. Can that guy stop looking intense for one tenth of one second please? Snipes is such a tool he made everyone who worked on Blade tell the press that he never went out of character, even after he left the set and went home to his family. A- This is not true. He was back to Wesley the second they yelled, “cut.” B- Daniel Day Lewis being Bill the Butcher all over Ireland is something to write home about but pretending you were pretending to be a vampire around your kids is fucking retarded. C- All of the above.
Oh yeah, did you know this? He has a very long fucking hair growing out of his ear he calls his Wizard Hair or something like that and he refuses to cut it because – I guess – he’s an old Chinese lady who thinks it’s good luck? That means a fucking CGI company had to be hired to go frame by frame through Blade and digitally remove every time his long wispy ear growth is evident. This cost about twenty grand. Who is still hiring this guy?

Best way for him to go: Accidentally decapitated while training for some ninja bullshit.


Comments
  1. NYTYRANT says:

    I loooooove you.

  2. RavenSteam says:

    This is genius. Especially the Piven and Sarsgaard. Watch out for your material on the late night circuit, they’re notorious for stealing jokes off blogs and not, um, giving the writers credit.

  3. Ross says:

    What the fuck? No George Clooney? I’d like to cut his head off with a pair of rusty scissors while he is still breathing. Then..I don’t know, shoot him into space or something.

  4. Anonymous says:

    CBGB guy died in august.

  5. Ezekiel says:

    Dude. Piece of Poo? Gavin are you on racist crack? I’m like yeah, uh huh, uh huh, hahahaha. Then your weird rage comes out.

  6. Cccproof says:

    DETOUR from Detroit (that’s nowhere near New York, poopskins) does this shit much better.

    So stop it and just send ‘em love via links and things.

  7. 000 says:

    Steve harvey is a rescue hero hahahahahaha!

  8. krispy says:

    wesley snipes is going to jail for three years for tax evasion.

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  10. Frank Fittesaft says:

    for some horrible reason, i love hatred

  11. street cloud says:

    that Sarsgaard bit is the funniest thing i’ve seen on this site. look at that smirk!!!!

  12. Little Timmy says:

    God, please kill the Jonas Brothers…

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  14. George Carlin's Ghost says:

    Stop stealing my bullshit.

  15. missy poo says:

    I agree w/ the Pivert 100%. He just exudes cocaine and LA threesomes. Which I guess lotsa of you people might like, so…oops

  16. Bread mop says:

    Piven is a pretty good actor but sometimes I wish a stiff breeze would come through and lift his wig off.

  17. Dudester says:

    The thing with Saarsgard is that he only plays smug rich kids. If he got fucked over, who would fill his spot?

  18. Mystery Boner Theater says:

    more more more !!!!!!!!

  19. Towers says:

    I agree 100 percent!

  20. Anonymous says:

    quite funny.

    a few i’d never heard of, yet i still laughed. good writing can make that happen.

    wish author’s name was attached.

  21. Anonymous says:

    “When Billy Crystal scrunches up his face and pretends to be a black man with a trumpet you want to ram both up Robin Williams’ ass.”

    yes.

    “If you’ve seen his Discovery special “Jeremy Piven’s Journey of a Lifetime” you almost don’t want him to die because his phony LA vibe is so torturous it’s almost delicious.”

    yes, yes.

  22. dapwell says:

    this is great

  23. N says:

    I agree with everyone on the list but Jeremy Piven. Yes, he’s douchey. But I love him.


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