Posted by
Platform
• 02.26.10 09:00 am


Hi girls! I’m a boy, and as a boy, in the past I’ve tried to have my way with some of you, and for that I apologize. It can’t have been nice, me slobbering all over you, showing off and being a bit rude (that’s my technique).

WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER

Hi girls! I’m a boy, and as a boy, in the past I’ve tried to have my way with some of you, and for that I apologize. It can’t have been nice, me slobbering all over you, showing off and being a bit rude (that’s my technique).

If you’ve got a boyfriend at home or you’re just not interested in meeting someone, you might not want to have boys try to fuck you when you’re out on the town with the gals (or these days, if you’re just browsing a social networking website at home — thanks, Internets!). The thing is, sometimes boys are real sneaky about coming onto to you and might do it in underhanded ways that you won’t notice, or that you might pass off as friendship, gay, etc.
If you’ve got a boyfriend and you tell him about these “friendships” he will get super mad and jealous and you won’t get why. You’ll turn on him and accuse him of being possessive and then there’ll be this whole brutal argument and you’ll both sort of hate each other by the end. If this happens loads, it will tear the two of you asunder and then you’ll be alone, which is exactly what these male “friends” want.

Your boyfriend is right though, those guys are trying to fuck you, albeit in a roundabout way. So to help you stay together with that guy who is actually pretty good to you — even if sometimes he’s too drunk to get it up and other times you have to pay for his food — I’m exposing a few techniques used by scumbags to get in your panties without you noticing.

(I think I’m mainly talking to girls aged 21 and under here, as by the time you’re 25 or so you’ve usually figured out the truth: The entire male race are a bunch of rapists who aren’t to be trusted.)

MUCH OLDER GUY GIVING YOU BUMPS AT A PARTY

He’s 30, you’re 21 and you guys are really hitting it off as friends at a private view. He pretty much sees the world the same as you and he’s just being really generous. It was pretty clear you had a boyfriend / weren’t interested from the get-go, so he’s not trying that. He’s just a good guy and he’s up for sharing his stash with you because you seem like fun, right?

Wrong! He totally still wants to do you, and he’s using a combination of drugs and experience to bamboozle you into the sack! Is he mentioning his job loads? Does it sound important? It probably isn’t — it’s just the way he’s describing it to you to impress you because you’re young, you go to art school and all the boys you know work in sneaker shops!

Sure, he can afford to share his cocaine with you, but why do you think he buys it? To pick up dummies like you! Get smart kiddo!

THE GUY WHO USED TO TRY AND FUCK YOU, BUT NOW JUST MESSAGES YOU A LOT ‘CAUSE HE LIKE YOU AS A PERSON

Yeah, he used to try it all the time. There was one time he nearly got there when you were both really drunk, but your girlfriend kind of stopped it from happening by coming in the room and demanding you go home. Sure, maybe it would have happened back then, but that moment’s just passed. You’re just friends, he invites you out loads of cool parties because he’s a fun guy and he chats to you on AIM loads. Sure, he flirts, but it’s totally harmless.

Well honey, I’ve got news for you: he’s still trying to fuck you. Sure, he’s not being as proactive as he was because you’ve got a boyfriend and he’s not going to waste his energy on you. But he’s still casually trying to slip it in because he’s bored at work, and well, if you come to one of these parties and get drunk enough after an argument with your boyfriend, he reckons it’ll probs happen. You’re so stupid that it probably will though.

THE FOREIGN GUYS AT THE TAKEOUT RESTAURANT WHO GIVE YOU FREE STUFF

Those guys down at the (insert foreign country here) food place sure are friendly, right? They’re always happy to see you, they ask how you’re doing and they always give you an extra pot of sauce and a free drink, or whatever. Once you didn’t have enough cash and they just gave you the whole thing for free! It basically proves how nice people from (repeat foreign country here) are and what a lovely melting pot this city is.

You are pretty dumb. You think back in (repeat foreign country here) they are friends with girls? In eastern Europe they still kidnap their wives from neighboring villages and force them into a life of brutal servitude; in China any woman found voicing an opinion is given a hot steaming mug of shut-the-hell-up and an abortion, if it’s her second child; and the Middle East … well, you’ve got a fair idea of what happens there.

So yeah, those guys aren’t your pals. They really, really want fuck you because all their women stayed back home and you’re way hotter than them anyways because you’re allowed to wear makeup and you don’t have calluses on your hands from working on a farm.

YOUR EX WHO YOU’RE STILL FRIENDS WITH BUT GETS MAD WHEN YOU CANCEL ON HIM

It’s so great how even though you and Mark have been broken up for a few months, you guys are just hanging out all normal. It’s like you were just always meant to be friends right? He’s so nice. He’s always there when you need him, he helps you with your shit still and even let you borrow that money! The weird thing is, sometimes you cancel on him or mention other boys, and he gets really, really mad! It’s like he’s still a bit possessive and he wants to be best friends, which is kind of strange but mainly totes adorable, right?

Babes, you’re waaaay off the mark with Mark. He’s not your buddy, he’s still in love with you and it hurts his insides every time you talk about dating other people. You’re actually torturing him every time you agree to meet up with him, and are you kidding me with the money? In these situations I always think, part of this girl has gotta know what’s going on, but it turns out you guys have a total blind-spot with treating exes right (the only way is to cut them off completely until they’ve proved they couldn’t give a shit if you lived or died, then start asking their advice on your new man).

ILLEGAL MINICAB DRIVERS WHO JUST WANT TO GET YOU HOME SAFE WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK

I think we all know the score with this one.

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM.

-PLATFORM

P.S. This should explain a few things:


Comments
  1. lester says:

    this is important.

  2. err says:

    real talk

  3. Anonymous says:

    gals usually have this figured out by 15. we ain’t stupid, we’re just using your desire to get free shit. men are, what most gals like to call, quite useful. but ya still ain’t getting in the panties, sucka, unless we want it.

  4. Anonymous says:

    don’t fucking give it away you faggot. jesus christ.

  5. Jackie McChuckles says:

    You forgot to include guys who catagorize other guys. Total subversive play for the panty-peel. Let me know if it works.

  6. durm says:

    only girls who are idiots fall for this shit, and if they’re stupid enough to fall for it, they deserve what’s coming. ive been telling my friends this shit for years. “if you’re friends with a guy, who is outside of your group of friends, he wants to fuck you.

  7. buffalowinger says:

    um, all girls know this shit already fool. Those techniques are for suckers and girls can see right through that shit, but still tolerate these sorry saps cus they get free shit out of it.

  8. JChink says:

    Oh no, everyone is terrible

    Whatever shall I do??? So hard to just be a nice girl who wants to meet nice people for nice friendships!

  9. sharon says:

    free bumps guy is AWESOME and i always take advantage.

  10. JuCIFER says:

    Yep, the bump guys just end up blowing their stash and getting NO TANG.
    Which is what they deserve.

    I stick to charming their pants off.

  11. Anonymous says:

    all guys want 2 fuck all girls always…it’s a sylojism…hahahaha get it? get it? jism? ahhh fuck u guys…

  12. Salad says:

    Give the free bump guy a B.J. ladies. He’s sharing and helping everyone else have fun.

  13. Ol' Dirty Bosnian says:

    Kidnapping works just fine.

  14. Spandrell says:

    In the game of life, everyone’s tryna fuck you

  15. Dennis Franz says:

    very long and boring

  16. Stirrups says:

    Guys doing nice things doesn’t entitle them to shit. Like ‘ask barf’ said, it’s good PR and all, but you want action, you’re going to have to do more than be the ‘nice guy’.

  17. lester says:

    more to the point, if you have no intention of giving the guy anything it is immoral to hang out with them one on one. unless you have no scruples at all don’t invite some poor guy to drive all the way over to your apartment to “hang out” ie walk around your horrible neighborhood with iced coffees.

  18. Ted Bundy says:

    Don’t forget the “roguishly handsome yet strangely nondescript guy in the sling who needs help getting his books to his car”! :)

  19. ew says:

    ^ But I really did lose my puppy next to this unlicensed van full of candy and chloroform!!!

  20. yikes! says:

    snuff box is amazing.

  21. Cadillac Hacksaw says:

    A friend is just a girl you havnn’t fucked yet.

    PS. Is that Chinaman butchering a great dane????

  22. Jay says:

    Snuff Box one of the worst programmes on BBC3. And that really really is saying something.

  23. Salad says:

    What about pigs who let you out of the speeding ticket?

    If you see them at a bar you know they’re going to remember that shit.

  24. […] Robert Foster – “People Who Are Trying to Fuck You” […]

  25. lester says:

    you don’t go to bars where there are cops duh. who are you snooki?

  26. Anonymous says:

    lester’s a bitter dude who parades around as mr nice guy and never gets laid.

  27. lester says:

    you’re half right

  28. totes says:

    That all fine, maybe even good, possibly accurate somewhat def. cute. I am choosing the side of the kind young girlo.

  29. We Know says:

    We also know that the person who is telling us that so-and-so wants to fuck us, wants to.


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