If cleanliness is Godliness, then there’s no doubt in my mind God must be a woman.
If cleanliness is Godliness, then there’s no doubt in my mind God must be a woman. You don’t have to occupy a YMCA changing room for any longer than two minutes to realize that men are filthy and disgusting. It’s as obvious as the layer of piss slowly caking on the floor or the mystery hairs clogging every drain. What’s worse than this incidental filth however is that some men pride themselves on being dirty because they think it’s manly.
I saw a picture of Rob Zombie the other day and he looks like he hasn’t washed his balls since La Sexorcisto dropped in ’92. That type of homeless aesthetic can only be achieved through a very deliberate effort. Could a woman ever get away with this? Would they even try to? Never.
So why do we think of Rob Zombie as being a hardcore MAN instead of a disgusting vagrant?
I went to my Uncle Rory for an answer. He fought in the war, killed another man before he grew his first pube and when he got back home, he immediately married a woman he didn’t love to prove he wasn’t a queer. I figured if anyone would know about being a MAN it would be him.
As he explained to me, in the era he grew up in, MEN only had enough time to do exactly three things:
1. Work a job
2. Pay bills
3. Die for their country
(or 3a. Drink Scotch while waiting to die for their country)
That’s it. If you had enough time to condition your hair you weren’t spending enough time being a MAN (see above steps 1 thru 3). Besides, who could have given a fuck about having touchable skin while occupying a trench?
The result of this mentality is why Rory still uses bar soap to wash his hair instead of shampoo. I don’t think anyone’s told him the war is over and even if they did in his mind he’ll always be out there somewhere fighting the gooks.
As for the rest of us who aren’t suffering from severe PTSD, we have no fucking excuse. If you have enough time to watch Jersey Shore and SportsCentre and play Black-Ops online with your friends then you have enough time to apply deodorant and shave. In fact if we’re going to advance as a civilization of men we need to step things up a notch to accelerate our evolution. Here’s the new rule that takes effect immediately:
If you are a man and you’re old enough to have hair in the crack of your ass, then you need to be shaving your ass crack.
Not your ass cheek. Not your choda or your tailbone. I’m talking about the fucking crease itself.
While you’re taking a moment to digest this allow me to highlight some of the logical benefits that follow from this personal hygiene practice:
1. You will spend at least 50% less time wiping your ass. At least.
2. Unless you literally stop washing your ass its impossible to skid mark your underwear.
3. Your girlfriend will be more receptive to sticking her index finger into your asshole while giving you head because it will no longer have to penetrate a tangled, hairy maze to get to your A spot.
Do I really need to go on?
I’ve been preaching this for years and anyone who has had the sense to listen has fully admitted to me that it feels like you’re stepping into the future. In fact, the only acceptable reason for not doing it is if you actually live in a third world country.
A number of my friends were initially scared off from shaving the crack of their ass because they believed they would somehow cut themselves, but rest assured its so easy to do Michael J. Fox could drop acid and still pull it off. Here’s how it’s done:
- Use one hand to spread your ass cheek
- Place the index finger of the other hand behind the head of your Mach3 to ensure a safe, guided motion.
- Shave your ass crack by holding the razor parallel to your crease pulling outward in either a East or West motion (depending on which side you’re dealing with).
The improvement in your life quality will be so noticeable you’ll feel like a Cuban that just washed up on South Beach.
Go ahead: Give it a try and tell me I’m wrong.