Posted by
HJ Fountain
• 07.28.15 10:57 am

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As a woman, if you want to be taken seriously by the media, you need to look like Rachel Maddow—a butch lesbian in a blue blazer, with a 6th-grade boy’s haircut. That’s legit—it certainly screams “oppressed” and it certainly means you’re fighting the “patriarchy”—by looking like the patriarchy. I guess?

Pay no mind to Maddow’s condescending delivery, bias, or hunt for Les-Poon—she’s doing the world a favor. Mostly, by pointing out that normal people should believe the exact opposite of everything she says.

As I stroll through the interweb these days, I always find Leftist sites, constantly mocking the so-called “FOXbots.” They love to attack Megyn Kelly, Kimberly Guilfoyle, or Dana Perino—because they are attractive and smart and conservative—naturally, they must be destroyed.

I think we can all agree that attractive white women are, indeed, a scourge upon the earth: All these white chicks do is birth intolerant Christian babies who grow up to trade their pacifiers for sticks of dynamite, which they stuff under black Church pews.

Boom!

Rarely, do I see the same sites attack Harris Faulkner, Arthel Neville, or Sonnie Johnson. Like their FOX News coworkers, these women are genetically flawless, except, they’re black. And to be attractive, black, a woman, and conservative is an unforgivable sin—but the haters will never target those chicks. I wonder why?

Can a black woman be a conservative Republican?

Yes: In strange cases like that of Mia Love. We don’t get many of those.

Democrats, like their ancestral fathers, believe that black women have a place in discourse and society, and that place is that they shut the fuck up: Sweep the floor, bake the blackberry pie, wash the white man’s wife’s hair with mayonnaise, and fry the chicken.

Black women are not afforded idiosyncratic thought as far as liberals are concerned: If they don’t drag their fatherless child along the check-out line and pay for hamburger meat with Food Stamps, then they’re not really even a black woman—not enough oppression to be politically opportunistic!

Being black and conservative is already an oddity: Ask Clarence Thomas or Thomas Sowell, or Jason Riley.

You can be a hottie: No matter your race. We like Nicole Richie! We have no idea what she is, but THAT ASS!

White dudes are equal-opportunity pigs:  As a woman, you should know that white men don’t even care about your color. We have a weird fetish, where we are attracted to everything, sans a penis.

In fact, white males may be the most tolerant dudes on the face of the earth. Don’t let our secret out… we may be accused of treating people… Equally, and that will just totally F-up our reputation as Hatemongers…

Someone may give us a Nobel Peace Prize, but it’s unlikely…

-H.J. FOUNTAIN


Comments
  1. STINKY says:

    I remember somebody on an episode of “Race Wars” saying something to the effect of, if you start a sentence with the word “As a…”, then chances are you should just shut the fuck up and keep your $.02 to yourself. Not saying that about this article specifically but now every time I see or hear “As a…”, I think of that.

  2. raymi says:

    who the fuck is Rachel Maddow

  3. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    Mmmmmmm….chicken….

  4. joeyjoejoe says:

    tv news is for geriatric retards. who cares.

  5. Ghetto Defendant says:

    Lets be honest hear, conservative news does get way more attractive anchors and hosts when they’re younger, and fresh faced. Then some weird over processing shit happens, and they start transforming. The longer women stay at Fox News, the more they start getting really plastic looking, like former pageant queens turn Stepford wives.

  6. Ghetto Defendant says:

    *Sorry, let’s be honest here

  7. 1488 says:

    Cuckservatives of any color suck oozing poz cock.

  8. pudding jones says:

    If you’re keeping score via cable news, you’re already kind of dead.


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