Posted by
Lesley Arfin
• 05.18.09 11:23 am

Here are some things that you might not think are punk but actually are. 1- Taking care of your body: People think caring about your body is strictly for hippies and work-out types, but punks

Taking care of your body: People think caring about your body is strictly for hippies and work-out types, but punks like to take care of their bodies too, just in a different sort of way. They like to make their bodies happy by eating food out of dumpsters. That makes their brains happy cuz it’s free food, and the brain is a part of your body. Some punk are vegans, and some punks are not. Punks don’t care that much about food actually. Being punk is about making your body look good but not in the way SOCIETY thinks “good” is which is why a lot of punks have tattoos, piercings, and don’t care if they get fat. It’s true that normies have tats, piercings, and are fat, the difference is that they’re not making a statement about society while punks clearly are.

The Dixie Chicks: “What? They ain’t punk!” Again you’re wrong. The Dixie Chicks are punk as shit. They hate the government and people burned their cds because of it. I know another band that happened to, they were called EVERY PUNK BAND EVER.

Wearing whatever you want: You don’t need safety pins or anarchy buttons or bells or whistles to be a punk. I mean, if you want to dress like a stereotypical punk you can wear that shit, but my cousin is 8 and she was a “punk” for Halloween. She basically dressed like Gavin when he performs in 80s Hardcore. If you’re really punk you can dress like a meathead because you’re so punk that you don’t give a shit what people think about you. Real punks don’t need to be classified into groups or categorized in any scene. You can dress like a stockbroker or a drag queen, as long as your being truer to yourself than the man. Owning a few 7 inches doesn’t hurt though.

Listening to whatever you want even if it’s not punk music: Guess what Ian Mackaye’s favorite band is? The Shangri-La’s. Guess what Jello Biafra listened to before he played a show? Dolly Parton. Oh and Sam McPheeters from Born Against has a framed poster of Minnie Riperton hanging in his living room. None of these facts are actually true, but like, come on. They totally are. Punk kids obviously listen to punk and hardcore, but they listen to other stuff as well, including the pioneers of punk—Eric Clapton and John Lennon. JK!!!

Not having to get wasted to feel comfortable or talk to people: A lot of people think punks love to get wasted and sniff glue. That’s not true at all. Everyone loves to get wasted; it’s hardly original, and punks are about being original or at least not conforming to society’s rulez, like you have drink in order to feel comfortable. If you’re really punk, you’ll feel awkward or scared and just say ‘fuck it’ and ride it out, cuz punks love facing and conquering challenges. Punks love fear. True, I’m only saying this because I don’t drink, but I’m fucking punk. What do you expect?

Being nice to people: Old ladies are scared of punks because they think we will steal your purse and crash your party, but that’s just an old punk wives tale. Real punks are bff’s with old people, dogs, fat kids from high school, children, and other kinds social underdogs. Remember Duncan from Some Kind of Wonderful? Like that.

Sitting on the street: Punks don’t care about germs or getting dirty. They spill food and beer and mustard on themselves and it just blends in with their ‘tudes. Wanting everything to be clean is for snobs and thugs, two kinds of people that punks don’t mess around with.

Going to school: Punks like school because they like to know the ins and outs of knowledge. That way when a bully challenges them in mental way, they can be like “How do you like them apples?” Like Good Will Hunting, who incidentally happened to be punk as shit. BONG!

Contradicting themselves: Because punks don’t really believe in rules, all of the above things can be argued at any moment and the argument would be true too. Punks don’t like to follow a moral code or rules. They don’t even like the rule to not follow the rules.


Comments
  1. septpol says:

    This post made me think Lesley Arfin is a writer I wanna read more. Funny.

  2. miss appalachian says:

    you’re an idiot

  3. strom thurmond says:

    how punk is being a trust fund kid who went to rehab? i heard crass got together after meeting at a debutante ball. BONG!

  4. Jello Biafra says:

    Fuck Dolly Parton.

  5. lesley arfin says:

    Everyone thinks I’m a TFK. Why? I wish!

  6. Vane$$a says:

    Totally agree with the being nice to people thing.

  7. Poldo says:

    stealing a train and making your own train tracks and making trains out of other trains and singing songs about trains is what’s punk to me

  8. Mooshie Devorah says:

    Can’t stand the whole Jello Biafra “I blow minds for a living” bullshit. Can you get anymore condescending? The only guy whoever blew my mind was the mad genius that made the acid I dropped. Seriously, there ain’t shit you can tell me that I do NOT already know.

  9. Joey Odessa says:

    @ Lesley

    I say fuck school. The only reason you should go is so that you can authoritatively debunk its worthiness. So yeah, go to school. I have 2 master’s degrees which means that I have 2 master’s degrees in understanding that school is not necessary, but I also understand that it’s good for people who come from numb nuts places and who need an intellectual community that’s probably pseudo but which will still gives you someone besides your stupid family who thinks that John Grisham is good literature. I love talking shit about education and then having some educated person say that I’m probably just “jealous” only to whip out my master’s degrees and the fact that I dropped out of a prestigious PhD. program after one semester because the people were too stupid and boring. That shuts those pro-education people the FUCK up. Don’t be a fool, stay in school. I guess in the end I do agree wichoo.

  10. Edith Bunker says:

    The biggest ninny fags in the world are the ones that whine about about what other people eat. Why the fuck would you care what I eat? “Oooh, all vegans are mean.” “Ooooh, all carnivores don’t care about the planet.” STFU your old Archie Bunker ass. That shit don’t wash no more!

  11. Seamus Abdul Podolski says:

    Goot one grrrrrrrl…goot one!

  12. TR says:

    Interesting concept this “Punk Monday” of yours. However did you come up with it?

    http://vice.typepad.com/vice_magazine/punk_monday/

  13. Chloe says:

    I felt super duper punk rock the first time I broke out in those caulifloweresque herpes blisters all over my vag. I went to my Korean dermatologist and was like “check it out you fucking slave! Now get me some of that Zovirax for my pussay.”

  14. Haulin' Ass & Gettin' Laid says:

    I’ve noticed that punks and hippies are so on opposite ends of the spectrum that they might as well be phony siamese twins.

  15. Prince says:

    @Edith Bunker

    right on, woman. right on.

  16. I Smell a Burn says:

    “She basically dressed like Gavin when he performs in 80s Hardcore.”

    That’s cold.

  17. Your Typical Southie Boob says:

    I always use that line “How you like dem apples!” when I’m givin some pretentious fairy the what for. I love that line!

  18. SHITCOCK says:

    I stopped reading in the first paragraph. Having tattoos is about as anti-establishment nowadays as wearing a tie and khakis.

  19. The actual consuala says:

    Punks are some of the nicest people Ive come to know

  20. delanoche says:

    I’ve heard the whole “being punk means wearing whatever you want and not wearing safety pins and leather jackets” so many times, I’m tempted by a safety pin and egg whites. It’s old and cliche. Why not just stop calling yourself a “punk” altogether, you know? Who cares, then?

    Nice to have you back Arfin.

  21. Dork says:

    I came across my old ’70s punk Levis jean jacket with the studs, silkscreens, shredded collar and sleeves ripped off and laughed because it was almost identical to Gavin’s ’80s hardcore one. Yes, I am old. Punk was so different then than it is now. And we had better drugs.

  22. Adda Boy says:

    Holly shit, I’m a punk.

  23. Lola says:

    wait…they burned TSOL records?

  24. assrape guy says:

    why you yelling BONG?

  25. Gavin says:

    quick survey, IS ” punk fuckin’ rock ” still an expression? or is it not “punk rock” to say that anymore? jus’ wonderin’

  26. too long says:

    come the fuck on already.

  27. Lovehawk (Thee Oh Gee) says:

    the only thing that is punk anymore is being a social conservative in real life or, conversely, not being a libertarian on this site.

  28. […] STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE » PUNK MONDAYS: THINGS THAT ARE PUNK […]

  29. James McTierbontham says:

    One time I wasn’t let in to a bar because I was wearing a shirt, tie, and slacks. At first the bouncer told me I could not go in because it was a private party (it was not) and then I told him to grow a pair and literally tell me he is not letting me in because I don’t look cool enough. He did not, instead he got his boss to come out and say it, she did. I have never felt more punk in my entire life.

  30. sharon says:

    haha dixie chicks! so true

    write more for ‘ask barf’!

  31. Born Against is the shit. How fucking hardcore is Well Fed Fuck? It’s like a gigantic sledgehammer destroying continents.

  32. idk says:

    okay Leslie Arfin you have won me over

  33. ew says:

    i swear to fucking allah and muhammed his true and final prophet that i independently invented the term normie in the tenth grade, circa 2005. when did everyone else start using it, give me the month and year so ascertain if u stole it from me (u did)

  34. M. el says:

    sounds like some shit a boring ass normy would say

  35. mr. bromwell says:

    U are a dip shit lesley.

  36. xavier says:

    damn straight!!

    if you had asked me to define what punk was when i was 16 I would have given this exact same answer

  37. Hutch says:

    The entire idea of punk does not exist. It denies itself from existing. “Punks” are the biggest conformists of them all. There IS a code that’s followed. You know who’s punk? Jeffery Dhamer, because he’d eat you.

  38. butterballs says:

    Punks or people that wrap themselves in the idea of “punk” are usually the biggest reactionary shitheads I’ve ever come across.

    It’s 2009 — they should be considered equally lame and dated as hippies, but here we are. Fuck off already. The music is boring.

  39. Frank DeFalco says:

    Punks are equally concerned with fashion as any other subculture: hippies, hipsters, b-boys, ravers, etc. Didn’t Malcolm McClaren invent how to dress punk?

    Just sayin’

  40. today says:

    ^Hutch

    hahahahahahahaha

  41. catfancier says:

    you are SO full of shit lesley…and stop lying, you are a TFK–don’t make me upload the proof on photobucket.

  42. vegan fools says:

    things that are punk or things that mean you are a person?

  43. French Ass Raper says:

    Wear cologne. It makes you smell good so people don’t mind getting curb jawed as much.

  44. JungleForce! says:

    Yes to all of this,btw I’m punk as a mutha fukk,apparently .

  45. lyn.d says:

    Shut up and Sing was a siiik movie.

  46. Jimmy says:

    I guess you coulda retitled this post “THINGS THAT ARE PUNK…since punk is the new hippie and hippies kinda got boring w/ all their dolphin luvin’ junk and boring music and pot is boring too after a while”. Or whatever, I didn’t bother reading all the way…

  47. slashdribblez says:

    Lesley, “trust fund kid” implies somebody thats filthy rich, i dont think anybody here thinks youre filthy rich, but typical upper middle class person who’s parents send them to places like europe and college seems fitting. i dont know why anybody here bitches though, because im sure most street carnage readers arent exactly poor.

    lets face it, one thing you should have said about being punk is “not growing up poor”. ive pretty much never met a punk who came from a shit poor family. if so, they were called nu-metal kids or goths or whatever. thats because most (not all, of course) poor people are stupid, thats why theyre poor. most stupid, poor kids arent gonna get sonic youth, or hang with people like gavin and work at magazines (hit parader anybody?). i mean look at vice, “started up by three junkies scamming..” blah blah blah, three rich kids whos parents sent them to college and most likely helped support their asses while they fucked around with their magazine. no they werent “trust fund kids”, but they got a pretty jump off im sure.

    like i said, most people who read this website though fit into this category, so i dont know why anybody is trying to call you out

  48. Bob Jansen says:

    being punk sounds a lot like being my mom, except for the sitting on the street part

  49. wyatt says:

    @slashdribblez… hahaha too stupid to be punk. that shit is kinda true. funny thing tho: I grew up poor and punk but I’m smarter than most so it all worked out ooooooooookay.

    ps I also decided that not hiding behind a handle when you post shit online is punk as fucktoo you pussies. just saying.

  50. DA Dip Shit: Lesley Afrin says:

    U dip shit.

  51. sf says:

    uuuughh you again. stop trying to make yrself happen arfin.

  52. jss says:

    YO, is that guy my fvrt gutter punk in MTL, or am i crazy?

    he always walks with funny cardboard signs and winks at me on st. cats and i totally have a crush on him and always give him money, but how come i never get to party with him? whatever

    @lesley, you my grrl

  53. rachel brooks says:

    this is a relieving thing to read. i could never describe all this shit so well, but it is exactly how i feel. thaaank you!

  54. Anonymous says:

    You left out gays…


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