Without a doubt, summer is here. Whether you’re an bona-fide idiot or just a run of the mill poop-for-brains, chances are you have a huge problem on your hands for the next three months: your children.
Without a doubt, summer is here. Whether you’re an bona-fide idiot or just a run of the mill poop-for-brains, chances are you have a huge problem on your hands for the next three months: your children. In an ideal world, they would have learned a skill and be prepared to work at the docks / paper mill / textile factory, but due to our society’s habit of coddling children until they start balding, they are not. Instead, they wake up at the crack of fucking dawn, blaring cartoons, shrieking to entertain themselves and basically sponging up all your ever-dwindling resources. As a father, I can tell you that my own little bundles of shapeless human meat, Dynasty Precious Beckles, keeps me wishing I has never taken her out of that trashcan and taught her how not to speak, even under the extreme duress of violent interrogation. Since so much one-on-one time with your own flesh and blood can be less than magical, here are a few tips to make the next 12 weeks a little more bearable.
1. INVENT A MONSTER
Sure, sure, I know what you’re thinking: old news, right? Some things are classics for a goddamn reason. Even if you engage in the most depraved, violent, role-playing bestiality, I’m still willing to bet you’ve done missionary at least three times in the past month. Why? Because it’s sold, that’s why. You just gotta do classics with a twist to keep them relevant. What I’m saying here is that the regular, monster-under-the-bed shit won’t work. These kids have grown up in a world where someone’s always being eaten, where some terrorist threat is always looming and where any fifth grader on his proper reading level can find a pirated version of Se7en in under 15 minutes. You need to make it personal and creative. Bonus points if you can link it to a fear they just freshly conquered. My invention? A poisonous, razor-backed snake that lives in the water pipes and shoots up your asshole if you drink all the milk before daddy has his morning cereal.
2. IF YOU’RE NOT DIVORCED, THREATEN A DIVORCE
Constantly, and I mean constantly. While a normal person would call bullshit after ten or 20 times, you’ve got to remember they’re not normal people — or even people: They’re children. Doesn’t matter how big or small the irritation is, this guy almost always does the trick. “Mommy and daddy fight when you ask ‘why’ all the time. It makes us sad. Mommy and me think it might be better to live in separate houses if you keep doing that.” Like fucking clockwork. It even works when you want them to make you a sandwich. It also works when they keep making your sandwiches wrong.
3. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, “FORGET” THEM IN THE CAR WHILE A SPECIAL MIXTAPE PLAYS
You’re doing a million things at once: You’re driving, you’re double-checking the grocery list, you’re looking at the GPS to see what the best route for traffic is, you’re trying to balance your soup in your lap — so who can blame you if, by the time you actually get to the store, you maybe don’t remember to not lock your little bundle of joy in the car with some of the most psychologically damaging music at your disposal? Not child services, that’s for sure. (But seriously, do they not have kids? Gimme a fucking break). Point is, you’re golden. Just throw on a little diddy from the darker side of the spectrum and you’re golden. Those little lovable germ farms will think twice before flushing your gold watch down the toilet.