Hey Politically-Correct Al Franken Droids – especially you insufferable Brits: Wanna talk shit without thinking? Come have Jim Goad tear you a new asshole.
Always preparing for the previous attack, Airline Security was looking for Mohamed Atta, not a young Biggie Smalls.
In 2005, I had to fly from Vegas to JFK in the middle of the night. You probably know that “joking around” at Airline Security can get your ass thrown into Holding – it’s a huge fucking no-no.
In this case though, I was with a bunch of jerkoffs coming back wasted from a bachelor party, and there was a TSA agent who was roughly our age. Now, one of my friends is a shitty B-list celeb, so the TSA Agent recognized him and started to kiss our whole crew’s ass for no reason.
As you know, TSA agents are like traffic cops – give them a badge, and they think they’re fuckin Elliot Ness. They LIVE for the chance for someone to fuck with them so they can pretend to play cops and robbers and make their balls feel big.
So as we’re coming through security, this crazy old white lady – she was maybe 70 – starts yelling at the agents and causing a fuss. TSA loved it – they pretended like she was some big threat, had a female officer subdue her, patted her down in isolation, etc.
It’s everybody’s favorite anecdotal security gripe made real:
Why are you worried about the old white ladies when you know who the Real Threat is coming from.
We had the unique opportunity to ask the TSA agent this very question.
“C’mon, don’t you wish you could racially profile?” one of my friends asked.
“Oh, there’s a profile,” he said quietly.
My guys laughed and one coked-up guy might have even hooted like some kind of Jerry Springer audience member. The upshot was this – what everyone suspects is true, is true: you have the Official Orders to keep Liberals happy, and then you have the orders on the ground, which amount to this:
“Use your head.”
It doesn’t take a WWII Enigma Cryptographer to decipher that one. It means:
“Search The Muslims.”
I don’t know about you, but I felt a lot more comfortable knowing that TSA was willing to be “racist” to protect our safety.
So what went wrong with the Great Balls of Fire Bomber of ’09?
Not surprisingly, most people I’ve spoken to think it’s because the TSA was busy searching old white ladies instead of Muslims: WRONG.
The problem isn’t that they’re not racially profiling – the problem is that they’re bad at it. They think all Islamic Fundamentalists look like swarthy tan-skinned psychopaths with burning eyes and the squint of satan.
Wrong: some of them obviously look like depressed, hypnotized kids from the Fresh Air Fund.
See, this whole shit was one big Racial Pro-Fail; and it’s just what we get for relying on the innate racisms of TSA Agents.
Management: Don’t just tell your agents to “Use Their Heads” – they need fucking training! ACHTUNG! RACIAL TRAINING!
Christ, you’re dumb. This is like the time I tried to train a foreigner to be racist, and he kept fucking up and thinking the Blacks were cheap and the Jews ate watermelon.
“O, my Priend, I tell you mr. Ben, he was cheap as a NIGGER!”
“Nah, Satish, that’s the KYKES. Ya got it ass-backwards. Ya still got that website I gave ya? Go home and study.”
Attn. TSA Agents and Worldwide Equiv:
Al-Qaeda comes in all different shapes and sizes, it’s just that none of those shapes and sizes is the Old White Lady.
You have DECADES of practice at being racist against black people – don’t stop now just because Obama’s in the white house. Fuckit – For three months, search ANYONE with a middle-eastern name. Study them, and from then on, search anyone that looks like that.
Also, get dogs, you fucking homos. It doesn’t take a PHD in Explosive / Pyro-Chemical Weaponry to figure that one out: Dogs can smell Religion.