Posted by
Rob Hohne
• 09.28.16 11:36 am

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Hipster atheists love to use words like spirituality and blessing and ritual, just so long as they’re not referring to any sort of Western Judeo-Christian tradition or ceremony. Yoga studios are temples where you cleanse yourself and strengthen your mind. Giant rock formations are called cathedrals. Sacraments are fine as long as they’re rooted in black magic or in some sort of tribal card game. But it’s not even enough to depart from tradition and to embrace bongo drum pagan chants and Indian rain dances—suffering physical pain, discomfort, and malnutrition adds further style points to these new age enlightenment fads.

This New Yorker article perfectly illustrates this phenomenon. It’s about one woman’s quest to get high on the supposedly hallucinogenic jungle juice, ayahuasca. It’s apparently been used by tribal folks for generations to “receive messages from ancestors and gods.”

This vile concoction of tree sludge which immediately induces vomiting is generally administered via Dixie cup by a real or imitation Amazonian rainforest priest who lead group trips as “a kind of congregational service.”

The author touts ayahuasca’s healing properties by comparing it to kale, which is also “no joy ride,” but is nonetheless stomached by Pilates patients, sweat lodgers, cutters, and other misguided seekers of silver bullet health and harmony.

Pharmaceutical companies are obviously evil, but the manufacturing of this drug is “beyond artisanal: it is nearly Druidical.” She then describes the process of picking leaves and boiling shit in different pots while singing songs, barefoot, in the forest. These hippies are like Walter White in real life.

I think a better comparison than kale would be kombucha, which is stinky fermented fungal bacteria water that you can make at home simply by leaving a bowl of shit out for a few weeks. Similarly, many spiritual and physical health benefits are touted, yet there is zero scientific evidence to back up such claims.

The thing with all this plant worship is that it’s fundamentally grounded in naively opposing the killing of cute, furry animals. Many will say that they are vegetarians simply because they’ve always been “grossed out” by the idea of eating meat, and that they don’t like the idea of hurting Bambi. But Mother Nature gave us an immune system, which helps us navigate the world of disease and infection by causing us to be “grossed out” by things that could potentially do us harm. We crave meat because it is nutritious and essential to our survival. We are repulsed by slimy, festering, stagnant poison liquids because they tend to not be good for us—no matter what you tell yourself, you know this shit is not appetizing. If you find yourself being repulsed by steaks and craving rancid fish-tank water, then your immune system is malfunctioning and you should seek medical attention.

In true journalist form, the writer needs to experiment this drug firsthand. So she finds a pretend shaman with a background in acupuncture named Little Owl, and partakes in the cult ceremony for a few gulps of Kool-Aid. Anyone familiar with such scenarios would rightfully have some safety concerns—and someone asks if there are doctors on hand, or if there’s some sort of pharmacological antidote incase something goes wrong.

“There was a tense silence, and then Little Owl replied, “We are healing on a vibrational level.””

I’m sure this was very reassuring. She proceeds to drink the poison in the woman-only ceremony, which took place in a yoga studio next door to a booming dance club.

“Little Owl had set up a perch for herself at the back wall, surrounded by bird feathers, crystals, flutes, drums, and wooden rattles, bottles of potions, and a pack of baby wipes. She explained that her helper, a young Asian-American woman she referred to as “our helper angel,” would collect our cell phones and distribute buckets for the purge: smiling orange plastic jack-o’-lanterns, like the ones that kids use for trick-or-treating.”

Imagine such non-critical, objective commentary on a real religious ceremony like a baptism or a first communion.
Of course the author does not hallucinate from this non-GMO, gluten-free blood of Christ, but she pukes plenty and has to babysit her fellow victims who are not quite as tolerant of the poison as she is.

“I sat there in Molly’s upchuck, listening to Little Owl’s singing, punctuated by the occasional shriek of “No more animals!” And I felt content and vaguely delighted and temporarily free.”

How eye-opening. There’s already a place where you listen to music and chant and burn incense and drink from a communal chalice that contains an actual drug—it’s called fucking church! You don’t get to call it stupid and then go do a shitty version of the same thing and call it liberating.

So remember, boys and girls, be very skeptical of religion, which is for dumb people. But if you want to find spiritual salvation by drinking a paper cup of mysterious putrid slop venom as part of a not-at-all religious ceremony led by an old hippie chick, have at it. It’s just plants, which come from the earth. It’s nothing like those stupid snake handling Christians—they’re the real dummies.

-ROB HOHNE

 


Comments
  1. Absolute Wierdo says:

    What does that girl in the photo do up there? Urinate on his head in some sort of naturistic baptisim?

  2. frank says:

    Going after hippies is too cheap and obvious. The egalitarian liberal orthodoxy is the actual religion of our day. It has its own set of mortal and cardinal and venal sins like racism, intolerance, and not recycling. Excommunication is where they get you fired and make it hard for you to get a new job.

  3. Don Atari says:

    Jan Irvin completely dismantles the hippie/drug bullshit. The whole thing is a fraud based on a lie. It’s been exposed. People can put down the DMT pipe and store your crystals. There is nothing there except mesmerism. They mesmerize you and fill your head with bullshit. These drugs are at best carnival rides not tools for spiritual enlightenment. Laughable if not so sad.

  4. frank says:

    I have never heard of Jan Irvin, but compounds like LSD have very useful effects, repeatedly proven in clinical trials. It’s not hippie bullshit that psychoactive compounds can be useful. Just don’t be retarded and think it’s a religious/spiritual thing.

  5. Buddha Baba Boo Boo says:

    Post-Modern Deconstructionism’s march through Western CIV had to eventually attempt to get to the core of what it means to be human. Atheism and Humanism, the two main tools, were never going to eliminate the quest for spirituality (another way of saying the objective meaning for existence outside of ourselves) anymore than the quest for Atomic(E=MC/2) fire of weaponry can be crammed back in the genie’s bottle. Religion is only organized collective spirituality so once those structures are completely torn down what will be left is a gaping hole in techno Man that will be sucking to be filled. Like the resolving power of an electron microscope, there is a limit to both the imaging capacity of that instrument to the diameter of an electron, and in the matter of spirituality, the edifice of Organized Religions is the limit for the Post-Modernists ability to erase Spirituality. What’s left is a genuine NEED that can be filled by a menagerie of Neo-Paganism, animisim, and new age feel goodism served smorgasbord style, with style being the central creed of “Looks at Me!”, OR….. truth seekers, undercover, continuing the eternal quest for the answer to “Why do I exist.”
    The spirituality of the post modern narcissists is vapid and devoid of substance, but works for the infantile
    who are seeking a form of masters of the Universe/godhood that resembles the Left’s favorite very disorganized Religion: Buddhism, the religion that worships the transcendents divinity of personal fulfillment – no strings attached.

  6. frank says:

    Westerners with gnawing guilt like Buddhism to the extent that they know nothing about the historical reality of it, or really the philosophical doctrine. Buddhism in practice rigorously enforced close to the same rules that Christians, Muslims, and Hindus did. No, promiscuity, faggotry, and drug abuse aren’t OK. There’s not some foreign cop-out for your sins. Every “spirtual leader” across civilizations and races and time agree that you’re a degenerate.

    “Spiritual” shitlibs trotting out the Dalai Lama always cracks me up. That guy is pretty much a CIA employee with the job title of “Annoy the ChiComs.” It’s been repeatedly proven he literally cashes checks from the USG. Tibetan Buddhism was historically a brutal theocracy with slave labor and the Chinese have probably helped to civilize the place.

  7. Chesterton Trigger warning. “It’s the first effect of not believing in God that you lose your common sense.”

  8. De Colores says:

    We left tang-style Gatorade in a shipping container and forgot about it for a summer. It was exactly like Kombucha. Since I can’t get a Black and Tan with Gatorade as the stout, I drink Kombucha.

  9. JR Wirth says:

    True enlightenment comes from walking into a nice bar, ordering a Martini, knowing you’re not worthy of it, watching it being made with precision, a work of human hands, placed in front of you under a napkin like a holy chalice, bringing it up to your mouth, taking that first sip, and then confessing your sins to the bartender. Acoustical music is played in the background to heighten the experience. At the end of the night, the tip is collected, you stumble out the door a new man, ready to take on the following morning. The bartenders then sexually abuse the busboys in a back room and count the tips when the place closes. Why isn’t having a stiff drink at a nice bar not enough?

  10. Demetri Spartinos says:

    @gavin why don’t you do another street boners book. Do you still photograph people on the street. Nylon did a few books with the same idea there is definetly a void when it comes to street fashion photography nowadays.

  11. Shitavious Johnson says:

    Phallic worship is the oldest religion on Earth. The devout drop to their knees and take holy communion. Bitches best be submitting if they know what’s good for them. That includes prison Bitches too.

  12. Tyrion says:

    Where did “Pilates patients” get into the mix of hipster Atheism? What is the author’s understanding of Pilates? I’m guessing that because Pilates and yoga are confused with one another in common parlance (and maybe because a few yoga poses are incorporated into Pilates) the author has assimilated this misunderstanding. Some empiricism and evidence is in order. There are no mystical properties appended to Pilates. Pilates is a mere set of exercises that focus on the core and does it damn well, even Christians wary of striking a pose know this. If Pilates is mystical or spiritual, then I suppose you should lampoon gyms next with their Mass-like classes, led by young, fit clergy calling commands for their zealous cultitsts to follow as if they were providential orders. Verily, any Atheist stepping into a gym is hypocrisy incarnate.


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