Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 12.12.12 09:00 am


A woman’s face is never the same after birthing a child.

That weird melted-candle-wax bloat never goes away, not even for Miranda Kerr. Love is supposed to be blind, but I’d bet the fathers can see the difference in their wives’ faces after she pops out a sprout. I find everything about a pregnant woman disgusting. I enjoy kids and adore women, but during the time the two are sharing a body together I want nothing to do with it. I can’t even eat anywhere near a pregnant woman.

People have all kinds of phobias. Mine just happens to be pregnant women. I checked to see if there’s a word for such repulsive beings and the closest thing to it is a phobia known as tokophobia; the fear of childbirth or pregnancy. I think of maggots festering under the skin of the homeless, cows lying down on their sides and warm, wet bloody calves oozing out into the dirt and hay and how it sticks to their wetness. I think of wet shit oozing out of their assholes. I think of blood, guts, and brains.

Then of course, after a woman actually gives birth her body appears warped and I feel as if I could use my finger to push back their teeth, because it’s as if a small bomb went off inside their body and the structure is damaged. I picture the battle of Berlin. I think of air campaigns, WWII bombers, and what the halves of houses look like after the ammunition has been dropped. I picture huge brick walls crumbling and how the bricks scatter into the streets. I picture death, because a baby reminds me of my own mortality. This little bastard will live longer than me, see new things and experience all of the great things in life for the first time. Meanwhile, I’ll be dead.

I think of stretched-out vaginas, torn-apart taints, blood, and how little desire I hold to go down on a woman that’s ever given birth to a child. I think of all of the filthy porn I’ve ever seen. I picture full fists being shoved inside women’s assholes, enormous dildos connected to jack-hammering sex machines and the women engaging screaming in pain. I think of apples, oranges, cantaloupe-sized red plastic balls, and everything else I’ve seen peeking out of a woman’s stretched-open vagina. I think of abuse.

Then I wonder what the hell I’ll ever do if I myself get a girl pregnant. I’ll have to leave the country for the nine months she’s pregnant. I’m sorry, but I can’t be a part of this if she ever expects me to love her again. I’ll be back, I promise. I don’t understand how husbands do it, but I get why so many boyfriends bail when hearing the news, “I’m pregnant.” Unfortunately, most of these boyfriends never return, but that’s where I’m different; I’ll return, I’ll come back. So let’s get an extra stitch put in when sowing up the ripped taint. I’m in this relationship for keepers, but that first nine months is a much-needed separation required if we’re ever going to make this train roll.

I wish babies grew in the ground like a carrot or a watermelon; I can accept that with open arms. A baby should start with a seed being put in the ground and nine months of watering regularly. You laugh, but there would no longer be cocaine babies, cigarette babies, or slow-speaking alcohol babies. Everyone would get a fair chance at life. A woman’s face would stay the same and so would the allurement of her inner thighs. When was the last time a family man went down on his wife?

Never.

I think reproduction should be illegal. For realsies, people should have to apply for a permit first and they must be married—no exceptions. I see single pregnant women and wash over in frustration of how crowded the world is. I imagine sitting in traffic, tripping over some bitch’s kid at the mall, long fast-food lines in the food court, the amount of beef being sliced, diced, and chopped in slaughterhouses in Texas. I think of USDA guidelines.

Fuck you when I want to see a new movie and every goddamn seat is filled. I want to see the new Batman, too motherfuckers. I imagine Jabba the Hut, because everyone is a huge fucking fat ass shoveling popcorn, hot dogs, and handfuls of cheesy nachos down their throats followed by two litters of cola.

Then I see in the future.

I see how the fetuses growing inside a woman’s tightly stretched, bug-like stomach will ooze out and become next to nothing; just another fuckup that might break in my car. Not everyone can be a college graduate, don’t they see? How can every parent believe their kid will be the one in the family that will go on to achieve huge financial success? Just once, I’d love to hear a parent say, “My kid is going to be the biggest piece of shit ever.”

Just once, I want honesty.

You hate me and its OK, but at least I’m honest with myself. It’s OK to laugh, because I’m laughing, too; no one will get hurt. I think more than anything I hate shitty people and seeing a pregnant woman only reminds me of more to come. Do we have any connections at Trojan? I’d love to put all this into a condom commercial.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 

 


Comments
  1. Gavin says:

    This shitty mentality has led the vast majority of my friends to be childless and alone. They liked it at first but most of them are deeply sad. As someone speaking from the other side, take my word for it: children are a joy. Every day my kids do or say something that makes me laugh my fucking head off. They are so cute, I can’t take it. Marriage is also pretty great. It’s like living with a best friend you get to have sex with.

    The children of the divorce generation have been brainwashed into thinking having a family sucks but the opposite is true. It’s like being in a gang only the gang shares your DNA.

  2. Eggs. Children should hatch from eggs. If the parents break they egg due to their reckless fuckupitry, well, then they probably shouldn’t be parents anyway.

  3. zbow says:

    “I enjoy kids and adore women.” I highly doubt this is true but am certain it’s something you constantly tell yourself.

  4. George Elliot says:

    Anyone who’s kept up with Jesse’s contributions knows that he’s going to be alone forever – that goes without saying. (Remember how he had the “most gorgeous girlfriend” with the “tightest pussy ever” but she didn’t give him head at least once a day in addition to performing her usual sexual duties, so he broke up with her? Exactly.)

    But the fact that you filled your head with such shitty images that THAT is what you associate with childbirth — that actually saddens me. I’m actually sad for you right now. Does no one else find it disconcerting that nowadays, every boy over 10 is walking around looking at women, not imagining their T&A, but rather, imagining shit like what that chick would sound like screaming as she gets pounded by a sex toy attached to a jack hammer? That’s really fucked up. I have a feeling that’s gonna make it really tough to enjoy plain old regular sex with a girl you actually love some day.

  5. Gavin says:

    I hate how the most incredible thing about a woman, the ability to create life, is treated like some kind of tumor. Superman can make a diamond by crushing a piece of coal in his hand. Big whup. In 9 months a woman can create a living being that walks around and talks and will have kids of his own one day. How did we get to the point where that’s not a big deal?

  6. yeah... says:

    Right on brotha, im with you 100% on this one.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Sad.

    Men get computers and vidya games and forget women.
    Women get lied to by everything and forget men.
    Poor people without computers and liars keep procreating.

    World war 3: china’s majority gay male population vs. America’s nanotech obsessed pod men battle over thae last arable land on the planet. Whether it becomes a disco or porno arcade is yet to be determined.

  8. stanky stanky says:

    Gavin, I agree with you. But I’m guessing that many people cease to be amazed by everyday occurrences. I mean, basically any woman can get pregnant. It’s not a hard thing to do, and women get pregnant all the time. Plus, there appears to be a lot of unwanted pregnancies nowadays (for some reason). Maybe that’s why some people unfortunately view it like “some kind of tumor”?

  9. John wayne says:

    It’s not a tumour!!!!!

    It’s a baby.

  10. Marie says:

    Well, I hope you don’t have kids because you’d be a shitty dad. What you seem to think is important is really strange, good luck having a good life there buddy.


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