Posted by
Donald Crunk
• 08.03.10 09:00 am

Everyone’s excited about the new Rick Ross album, but all the real hip hop heads know there’s nothing to get thrilled about because Rick Ross is nothing but a big greasy lying sack of lame.

Everyone’s excited about the new Rick Ross album, but all the real hip hop heads know there’s nothing to get thrilled about because Rick Ross is nothing but a big greasy lying sack of lame.


You know how every great criminal spends most of their lives running from “da man?” Well Ricky used to be that man. Dude had the audacity to lie about working in a prison. I know this happened a while back, but do you know how big a lie that is? That’s like an atomic bomb, 9/11, “oh my God, I just lost my whole family” type of lie. That’s a dick up a supposedly straight guy’s ass on Valentine’s Day kind of lie. Unless he’s talking about KFC bargain buckets, I can’t believe a word that tumbles out of this guy’s mouth.


This is really embarrassing for both the kid and the father. Having to tell your child that the person who gave birth to them is a whore is one thing — but to have a school full of obnoxious kids shouting it at them during recess is a whole other level of bullshit. Thanks for getting into beef with another rapper and making my life hell, Dad!


Be honest, can you remember anything this guy says in his songs? Apart from that lyric about knowing “the real Noriega,” I couldn’t quote a Rick Ross lyric. I salute him for having amazingly beats that wash over you like a golden bucket of Courvoisier poured by the late great Isaac Hayes, but his lyrics just about scrape average.


His chest is bigger than most women who haven’t had boob jobs and that’s not something that any man should have on their resume. Every time I hear one of his songs I see his torso floating over me and his breasts taking turns bouncing on my temple. Euuugh.


Naming yourself after wine isn’t very gangster. What’s next, a drug dealing rapper called Lil White Zinfandel?


OK, I’m reaching on this one, but the guy is uncomfortably unattractive. He may even be the ugliest rapper since Craig Mack. I guess the money you earn from being a big-time drug lord by day while moonlighting as a prison guard at night can buy you a lot of things, but good looks isn’t one of them.


  1. Anonymous says:

    craig mack is way worse…he looky like a monkey…patrick ewing and jay-z think he looks like a monkey…and i’m not just saying that cuz i’m racist…he really does

  2. I hate ^ says:

    blackball me? how the fuck u gonna blackball me?

  3. bckpck t says:

    bunch a shit everybody already knows

    good beats and even better features are the reason thats a good album

  4. Anonymous says:

    After Big Boi’s album, Rick Ross’ new album is the best hip-hop record of the year so far.

    I don’t care about the numerous embarrassments in his private life, that shit bangs.

  5. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    I think Mac 10 is probably worse.

  6. Gavin says:

    Wait, what about Triple C’s “Go” and DJ Khaled’s “Out Here Grindin'”? Those are the greatest rap songs of the past few years and Rick Ross is all over them.

    First Nicki Minaj, then Joe Strummer and now this. What’s with all my monsters hating on my favorite songs? You make me not want to be your mother anymore.

  7. Hunk Golden says:

    His beats are nice because No ID did them. Common’s Resurrection still gets does it for me by the beats alone.

  8. Norm Fucker says:

    Maybe you should stop hiring tasteless hacks for writers then.

  9. bryan says:

    rick ross just has fat guy problems, craig mack has from-birth problems

  10. guy says:

    I hate Rick Ro$$ because he jacked the beat for Prodigy’s “You Can Never Feel My Pain”,one of the gangsterist real-talk songs ever off of one of the best rap LPs ever and turned it into the hip hop equivalent of smooth jazz. It even has John Legend on it, who is the Sting of his generation, but worse because he’s actually black. All it’s missing is an alto sax solo.

  11. Professor Gruff says:


  12. guy says:

    btw, arguing that Rick Ro$$ sucks because he’s ugly is not an argument against him. Being ugly and retarded are prerequisites for being a rapper. There are no handsome rappers. Think about it.

  13. zuckerzeit says:

    ya forgot about the time he wore fake lv glasses on the cover of xxl:

    but dude is a gold mine of stupid greatness like “everytime i call she just come,
    ’cause everytime i call, she get to cum”

  14. duh says:

    you are incredibly stupid

  15. tiny says:


    What about T.I.???

  16. that rick ross album is so bad that it turns good in negative. it’s like a gut bubbling fart that you have to keep smelling because you can’t believe it came out of your body. rick ross has a medallion of his own head. the dude is a LARP version of a rapper according to Shadowrun…..

  17. […] Rick Ross Sucks by Donald Crunk […]

  18. gi says:

    rrrrááááááááá pegadinha do malandro!!

  19. Anonymous says:

    I LOVE U RICK ROSS!!!!!!

  20. slick rick says:

    everyday im hustlin… doubt it.

  21. Oze says:

    Rick Ross is by far one of the worst rappers out there now, embarrasing for the culture.
    Got no flow och his lyrics are simply just crap, the only thing good might be the beats but i know he didnt have anything to do with thoose =P

    He gets his name by dissing the better else noone would hear his shit unless he paid them

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