Like most people, I first knew of Perry Caravello as the personal blowjob assistant of legendary casting director Randy Callahan.
I later saw Perry ruin the otherwise groundbreaking film Windy City Heat, sue everyone that ever tried to help him, and behave horrendously unprofessional before an international audience on The Big 3 Podcast.
But it wasn’t until Perry insulted me that I took any of it personally.
Between his frequent temper tantrums and racist remarks on the Podcast, Perry began to mention his immense dislike of me and my music. His co-hosts Don and Mole pleaded that he stop starting shit, lest he get into a rap beef with “one of the most respected men in hip-hop.” But Perry only doubled down on his unprovoked aggression, insulting me further and calling my fans, the Rucka’s Nuckas, a bunch of rich white prepubescent geeks.
So I had to act.
I began to study Perry and research the details his life. I learned that he had received $10 Million for his horrible performance in Windy City Heat, as one of the SAG perks that he’d acquired by blowing Mr. Callahan. I also discovered that Callahan had, in fact, been a practicing heterosexual before Perry seduced him into an ungodly act of gayness. And the Caravello custom of turning straight men gay did not begin with Perry—his father Cookie had blown a countless number of lonely Navy comrades during the War, an early step for gay military rights.
My newfound knowledge was incorporated into my musical work, and soon the world was learning of Perry’s true nature. Throughout my career, I have always been committed to telling the truth and educating the youth via crunk rap with dope beats. I have no plans of stopping now, especially not for a greasy dago javaho dog worshipper.
Unless you live under a rock in Reseda, you can surely recite every verse of “Perry’s Gay,” “Yo Perry (has HIV)” and “Perry Knocked Over the Table.” I’m proud of the influence I’ve had on the culture, but mostly I’m thankful that I’ve managed to expose Perry’s dishonesty and sexual deviance. With Grammy season approaching, I only hope that Perry’s sneaky thug wop tactics won’t prevent my tunes from getting proper recognition.
I never asked for a fight. But Perry insisted on dissing me and the Nucka Nation. If this rap feud escalates to violent 50 Cent Ja Rule proportions, it will be Perry that will have buckets of innocent blood on his hands.
Like most people, I try to mind my own business and stay peaceful. But, like most people, I sometimes need to step up and fight back for what’s right.
Because like most people, I hate Italians.
-RUCKA RUCKA ALI