Posted by
Blognigger
• 12.10.08 12:03 pm

‘Blackbird’ web browser takes aim at nation’s few remaining separatist blacks.

Sorry I’m a day late in posting this – it took me about 24 hours to figure out it wasn’t just some art-hoax perpetrated by a Vassar student with Down Syndrome.

‘Blackbird’ web browser takes aim at nation’s few remaining separatist blacks.

Sorry I’m a day late in posting this – it took me about 24 hours to figure out it wasn’t just some art-hoax perpetrated by a Vassar student with Down Syndrome.

But no, it’s for real: From the Department of Dogmatic Double-Standards, the minds that brought you Ms. Black America, The Organization of Black Airline Pilots, and BET, It’s Blackbird – the Web Browser exclusively designed for African Americans.

It’s ok – go click around in shock for awhile – I’ll be here.

Before you make any snap decisions, try to see it all from the venture capitalists’ point of view: When the idea was proposed to them six months ago, it seemed completely probable that John McCain would be victorious at the polls in November. If this had happened, black people in America would have been at a new low of grumpiness and disenfranchisement, completely ripe for marketing proposals that offered to draw them together in misery – perhaps even ready to do something en masse as utterly retarded as rallying behind a web browser that promised to deliver a Blacker Experience™ .

Bad luck fellas – it so happens that black people just gained their seat at the front of the bus (pushing the next niggers to the back – get back there homos, and stay quiet) and we’re in no mood to go fucking around with our newfound social equality by engaging in your useless afro-centric tomfoolery.

Regardless, it’s times like these I’m glad my grandparents are dead – especially the black ones. It would have killed them to know that for all the suffering they went through to try to gain equality in this country, some numbnuts would be willing to throw it all away and promote segregation – all to make a couple of bucks.

Because of course, the creator of this software couldn’t give a shit about black people. The company is betting on the naivety of black people, hoping that we’ll download some broke-ass Firefox theme with an intrusive search results filter. Filtering my google searches?? The fuck is this, Cuba? Nigga please, if I want some dumbass African pattern on my desktop, I’ll image-google Paul Simon Graceland, right click his african skull-hat, and set it as my wallpaper.

And that’s the whole point: The promise of the internet is for everyone to have the same unrestricted freedom the white man has – not some censored, segregated, watered-down bullshit.

And now, onto the satirical and parodic (AKA I’m just kidding guys so please don’t sue us) Product Review:

Let’s start with the name itself: Blackbird. It’s catchy, and I suppose it’s as good a name as any for an African-American Web Browser. (Seeing as ‘Safari’ was already taken.)

Right from the beginning though, I had performance problems with Blackbird. Even the installer was difficult to download: the file transfer speed was much slower than that of most mainstream ‘white’ programs; though to be fair, it could jump higher and had an extra bone in its ankle.

Once I actually had the program installed, getting Blackbird to work properly proved to be a chore – the browser kept quitting in the middle of complex tasks and blaming other programs for each of its failures.

Blackbird’s filters, as promised, do help to create an internet experience that the average African-American is more comfortable with; some of these alterations however, ended up hampering my browsing experience and are worth reporting:

-Chase Manhattan Bank’s automated Billpay service normally takes an average of 3-5 days to distribute funds to creditors. Using Blackbird, the timing was increased to 31-40 days, making it very difficult for blacks to pay their bills on time.

-Black NY Ranger fans are likely to be as disappointed with this feature as I was: all NHL scores are filtered out of ESPNZone, and cannot be accessed anywhere while using the Blackbird browser.

-Menupages were a fucking mess: [contribute your joke entry via comments section below]

-Spellcheck problems abound in Blackbird, as the browser’s built-in correction filters tried to replace the word ‘Ask’ with ‘Axe’, ‘That’ with ‘Dat’, and ‘Nut’ with ‘Mah Muthafuckin DICK.’

Spellcheck also failed in its inability to recognize the words ‘Responsibility’, ‘Appreciation’, ‘Subtlety’, ‘Self-Control’, ‘Satisfaction’, and ‘Initiative’.

-And finally, Google’s did you mean functionality was almost unusable:


Just kidding about all that of course. Like most light-skinned blacks, I use a mac, so I can’t actually use the software at all; The Blackbird browser is PC-only, in more ways than one.

Speaking of PC, It’s nostalgic and sweet to watch terrified whites pretend the emperor is decked out in Versace – they’re still too scared to say how stupid, racist, and outrageous this whole fucking idea is. It’s also funny to watch the whiny enforcers of McCarthyism 2.0 having one last gasp at legitimacy as Obama ‘s election slowly reveals them to be lazy, spineless, professional complainers.

One good thing I can say: this browser does satisfy its stated goal of instilling Black Pride; I take great Black Pride in inviting the exploitive creators of the Blackbird Black Web Browser, EMpowered by Mozilla, to bestow the suck of equality upon my light-skinned, universally accessible, uncensored nuts.


Comments
  1. It has tabbed browsing and a pop-up blocker. And I was thinking black people are a shiftless bunch.

  2. Can it shoot you for wearing red or blue while browsing?

  3. only other cool black guy says:

    real talk

  4. gargamel says:

    jesus this fag can write

  5. Rad Racer says:

    My entries:

    CEO Steve Jobless.
    Runs only on OS X BLACK PANTHER.

  6. David says:

    When are we going to see Snowbird, filtering out the mud people and other unsavory non-white topics?
    When there’s a white supremacist with an IQ higher than his shoe size.

  7. JChops says:

    Rad Racer- you stole my shit from Ars, didn’t you? Here’s the whole post:

    Blackbird browser? Next thing you know, they’ll have their own computer company. Instead of Apple, it’ll be Watermelon. And the CEO will be Steve Jobless. And it’ll run OS X BLACK PANTHER. Hell, the browser can send its user agent string as “Blackbird” and you could tailor your site to shovel KFC ads and overpriced futon furniture at them. Can you see the 404 pages for this thing? Instead of “404”, you’ll get “Nigga, you isn’t makin’ no sense!”

  8. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL BLOG NIGGER MY MAIN MAN YOU HAVE OUT DONE YOURSELF AGAIN THIS TIME KICKING THE DOPE TRUTH TO ALL THESE WHITE NYC LIBERALS WHO NEED A STRIZONG DOSE OF THE FIZACTS FROM BLIZACK MIZAN. I HAVEN’T BEEN OUTSIDE NYC TO MUCH LATELY BUT I AM PRETY SURE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS THE SAME. I EVEN SEEN SOME LIBERALS ON THE INTERNET TRY TO BLAME THE CALIFORNIA GAY MARIAGE ON THE WIGITY WHACK MORMONS LOL I THINK THEY ARE CONFUSED! THERE ARE’NT ANY MORMONS IN CALIFORNIA, THEY GOT THE WRONG STATE WHICH IS UTAH. BUT THERE ARE BLACKS THERE OF COURSE AS WE CAN SEE FROM SUCH POWERFUL FILMS AS BOYS IN THE HOOD AND MENACE TWO SOCIETY. SO I THINK THEY ARE TOO BLAME LIKE YOU SAY. ANYWAYS THANKS AGAIN PS HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW ON FOOD CHANNEL CALLED (I THINK) “COOKING WITH THE KNEELIES DOWN HOME”? THEY MAKE A LOT OF INTERESTING DISHES I THINK YOU WOULD LIKE THEM. I WATCHED THEM WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS (WHO IS A BLACK) AND HE WAS VERY EXITED TO GO HOME AND MAKE IT. OKAY C U L8R DOGG

  9. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Is there some kind of script or back end thing you guys can do to prevent all caps entries? Just A normal Guy sucks.

  10. Rad Racer says:

    you know what, i’m a fucking hack – just didn’t think i’d get caught. it was funny – yes i stole it…

  11. rjb says:

    Graceland is a mediocre album. Get The Indestructible Beat of Soweto instead.

  12. JChops says:

    Rad Racer: it’s not entirely original. My gf actually came up with that part of the post :)

  13. Pontius Pirate says:

    blacks are good at sports, whites are good at math.

  14. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL DROOPPY DOGG DICK I TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT IS EASYER AND GUESS WHAT, A STRONG ROLE MODEL BY THE NAME OF KANYE WEST ALSO DOES IT SO DO U LIKE ME NOW??? SORRY IF I DO’NT TYPE IN SOME WAY THAT YOU WOULD FIND ESTHETICALLY METEROSEXUALLY PLEASING LIKE ANDY WARHOL OR SOMTHING LOL

  15. Knee Glow says:

    That George Washington Carver bit was pretty good.

  16. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    @Just A Normal Guy: You’re almost pulling off what you are trying to do. But not quite. You need to finesse it just a bit better.

  17. tommy gun says:

    Menupages were a fucking mess: [sushi, indian food and other “exotics”, as well as anything even remotely healthy were filtered out to be replaced by McDonald’s delivery cuz Blackbird knows that no one eats more exclusively “American” than Afarak-Americans]

  18. Eugenicist says:

    “When there’s a white supremacist with an IQ higher than his shoe size.”

    OK, unless Sir Francis Galton’s shoe size was 200, I think you’re in error here.

  19. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL DROOPY DOG DICK WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE TABLE YOUR OWN SINCERE VIEW POINTS?

  20. wharf says:

    what? whaaaat? WHAAAAAAAT?

  21. wharf says:

    searching “albert einstein” using the blackbird search actually just brings up a bunch of links about black holes — so much for the semantic web eh?

  22. Eugenicist says:

    seriously. whiteybird.com.

  23. Chachi and the MS-13s says:

    BN, write a book. I’ll read it, I swear.

  24. shnake says:

    When you search google the first thing to come up is “Blackle”

    And the Einstein thing works just like firefox… Now I just need to get this off my computer before I get into a horribly embarassing conversation about it.

  25. miss appalachian says:

    menupages were a mess: all the chicken eateries had a side note that read “chew on the grizzle”.

  26. ew says:

    They should have gone with the name i picked out : niggle. what?

  27. the foOl says:

    What no one has yet pointed out is how this breakthrough will provide Wiggers with a web browsing option that allows them to indulge in their distorted self-perception. I see this being big in middle-class suburbs everywhere.

  28. CaptainQueef says:

    “Once I actually had the program installed, getting Blackbird to work properly proved to be a chore – the browser kept quitting in the middle of complex tasks and blaming other programs for each of its failures.”

    i nearly pissed myself when i read this. good stuff!

  29. Sugar Smack says:

    “Nigga please, if I want some dumbass African pattern on my desktop, I’ll image-google Paul Simon Graceland, right click his african skull-hat, and set it as my wallpaper.”

    hahahahahaha jesus. Even vane e$$a has to like this shit.

  30. ty says:

    Poignant.

  31. Lester the Molester says:

    Spellcheck missing ‘Initiative’ FTW

  32. Flatiron dicktrick says:

    Sorry not to join the party, but is there really anything wrong with having a browser for black people? Why should it bother you if they’re not forcing you to use it?

    Also, regarding BET and those other black organizations… Don’t you understand that the normal, regular versions of those organizations ARE the white versions? So white rednecks bitching about “oh, what if there was a miss white America” and that whole stupid rant… Gimme a friggin break.

  33. “Blackbird!?” Are you serious? They should have went with “Magpie,” if they really wanted to nail down the imagery of Blacks in my childhood cartoons.

    I read “Blackbird” and immediately pictured a few hobo-clad, Magpies talking nigger-speak up on Elmer’s fence.

  34. Flatiron dicktrick says:

    scratch that I’m dumb as a nigger

  35. David says:

    @Eugenicist – so what? Are you going to ressurect Galton and teach him how to reskin Firefox? The guy’s been dead for almost 100 years. He really wasn’t who I was talking about.

  36. Pied Piper says:

    I’ve gotta agree with Flatiron. Guess what BN? Welcome to the free world! As long as consumers have choice and variety in the the products they use (regardless of how awesome/dumb these products are) then who cares? Freedom of choice paired with market forces–assuming consumers are given full and accurate disclosure–remedy the idiotic product problem i.e. if people don’t like it then it goes out of business. TADAH!

    And the issue of BET and similar services & products marketed to a focus demographic? Okay, let’s ignore the fact that the actual content sucks, it’s not even black owned, and has become more of a commercialized caricature of “urban” rather than black American interests (btw, the discontent with this change is evident in its plummeting revenues *ahhh the magic market*). It seems that you are more focused on its existence in general which I find baffling. Mainstream media outlets don’t always cater to the particular interests of some groups, which can be expected since it’s impossible to encompass everybody’s needs at once. So if a firm wants to capitalize on the unmet demands of a niche market, then why the hell not? If you look at most women’s fashion beauty magazines you don’t see anything about black hair and beauty, which can be totally different than “mainstream” hair and beauty. BAM! Black Hair Magazine, Essence, etc. are born. Then we have Oxygen, WE, & Lifetime for women and LOGO for gays, CMT for rednecks etc. See? All these groups are doing is supplanting their need for representation in the mainstream. Now how is this segregation? That term implies a forced ghettoization.

    To be honest, I don’t think you would have such a “double standard” issue if someone brought up the LOGO or Oxygen channel. I mean, there are COUNTLESS services offered to all kinds of specific groups (by region, by height, weight, education level, religion, socio-economic status etc). Some are shitty, some aren’t. But it would be ridiculous to say that all of these across the board should be eliminated because people have different needs. You having a problem with the conception, quality, marketability etc of some black product is reasonable. However, in objecting to the very existence of such black focus markets, you are projecting a lot about your own personal struggles within your community and possible self-hatred issues. Dammmmn Niggaa! Get yo’ head right and check yourself before you wreck yourself. Seriously … self-mutilation isn’t a good look.

  37. Donkey Kong says:

    Pied Piper –

    What the fuck do you mean ‘Who cares??” The whole point is that the fucks behind this software are intentionally pretending to care about black pride to manipulate people, foster segregation and sell a product.

    You don’t think that’s worth commenting on?
    What the fuck are YOU talking about?

    and as for this shit right here
    “Dammmmn Niggaa! Get yo’ head right and check yourself before you wreck yourself. ”
    my man, that just speaks for itself.

  38. Emily H. says:

    That’d be funny if I downloaded Blackbird & used it all the time, because I’m white.

  39. christ killer says:

    holy shit those black people talking at racismreview are just un believable fucking stereotypes of daft whining blaaaaa

  40. Pied Piper says:

    Donkey Kong, I mean exactly what I stated. WHO CARES! Did you not see the constraint of my “who cares,” the part about “assuming consumers are given full and accurate disclosure” of the product? Irregardless of the company’s motivation (unfortunately few companies TRULY care about the welfare of their consumers beyond legal liability), if consumers are given full disclosure of the product, they can make informed decisions regarding the product. We’re not talking about exploitation here. If a consumer willingly imposes and pays for self-censorship (which truly isn’t censorship since they can always take it off) then yes, WHO CARES? Um, parental controls anyone? Or how about that Christin media service that blocks all unholy stuff. The latter case is pretty lame but I respect a consumer’s choice to use it. And more importantly, I give them the benefit of the doubt that the Christian who purchased this service wasn’t just brainwashed by pastor (you know, because they’re ignant bible thumpers who can’t think for themselves) and weighed the consequences of purchasing such a system.

    What you should be taking issue with is the way BN assumes black consumers can’t make informed decisions, stating the “company is betting on the naivety of black people.” If a product sucks then people won’t buy it, even if these people are black, har har har. I just think it’s weird that for someone who bitches about blacks being professional victims, “playing the race card” etc, BN is jumping on the exploitation train regarding black people’s capability to judge products. Have some faith in the black man. In the BN world, a black person who makes excuses because of “the man” and institutionalized racism is a lazy sonofabitch yet he gets all Kanye with the “the software czars don’t care about black people” (companies care about PROFIT, not people across the board)This contradiction is compelling, which makes me go back to my original idea that there’s some kind of self-hatred or at least a huge internal battle going on.

  41. cunty mcstevens says:

    Pied Piper = Vane$$a

    tl;dr you suck

  42. Roger Moore says:

    Wow Pied Piper – you’re slow. Here’s the part you’re missing:

    This isn’t about free market consumerism (you really think BN’s against that?)
    This is about a company creating a racially segregating product and yet another racial barrier in a world which is becoming increasingly integrated – for money. Selling separation – willing to DIVIDE people for money.

    They are willing to create segregation AND imply that Blacks *should* be using this product if they *really* want to be black. That’s what separates this from a typical “hey-let-the-market-sort-it-out” issue and makes your comments sound stupid.

  43. Paul Pierce says:

    pied piper too long post. i dont read it. blah blah.

  44. Jim Goad says:

    Pied Piper, you genius:

    “Irregardless” isn’t a word. Quit reaching beyond your means.

    irregardless
    an erroneous word that, etymologically, means the exact opposite of what it is used to express, attested in non-standard writing from 1912, probably a blend of irrespective and regardless. Perhaps inspired by the double negative used as an emphatic.

    Go stuff a live chicken up your ass.

  45. Jim Goad says:

    I’d like to add that I find Blognigger’s black self-hatred to be refreshing and commendable.

  46. Goadfan69@aol.com says:

    goad ftw!

  47. BlackDragon says:

    I loved this post. Funny, yet sad all at the same time. I will be adding you to my rss feed!
    And yes I am a light skin.. colored women who loves macs!

  48. miss appalachian says:

    i’m jewish. does that mean i’m colored? i think it does.

  49. miss appalachian says:

    so i too am a light skin colored woman with a mac

  50. srsly says:

    weird. I use a mac g5 as well.

    the reason i use a mac is because i do.

  51. […] You heard about the new browser for African-American’s, right?  It looks to be… not a hoax.  I downloaded the thing a couple days ago, but never got around to installing it, and am going to be busy for several days, but here’s a nice PC (un-pc) review of the thing: […]

  52. Danielle says:

    BN, I really wish that you actually liked black people. That would probably make you my favorite. But as it stands, you make me cringe.

  53. JChops says:

    @Pontius Pirate- niggers don’t ski

  54. Hunter says:

    Interesting article. Were did you got all the information from… :)

  55. MIKE says:

    ALL PEACKERWOODS WILL DIE ALONG WITH THEIR RAT BASTARD KIDS.

  56. MIKE says:

    REASON WHY THOSE 4 PEACKERWOOD COPS WERE SHOT TO DEATH STUPID HONKEYS WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN !!!!

  57. MASTER says:

    DEATH TO PEACKERWOODS AND YOUR STUPID WET DOG SMELLING HONKEY KIDS.

  58. MASTER says:

    NO WONDER PEACKERWOODS SMELL LIKE WET DOG ITS TO KEEP THE SHIT FROM THEIR MOUTHS FROM KILLING THEM.


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