Although we were in no way responsible for his tragic and senseless murder, the Street Carnage family deeply regrets the passing of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Unification Church and Cosmic Daddy of all “Moonies” from the past, the present, the future, and most likely throughout all of eternity.
Like all Koreans, Reverend Moon was a spicy, kimchi-flavored melange of annoying, ridiculous, and insane. He taught that Eve’s sin was to fuck Satan and pass the bad mojo onto Adam and all their descendants…except Moon and his wife, who are humanity’s “True Parents.” Moon, apparently not understanding the plural form in English, declared both himself and his wife “the Savior, the Lord of the Second Advent, [and] the Messiah.” If you wanna get to heaven, you gotta go through them. Sorry, but that’s just how it is.
Moon taught that the vagina “is like the open mouth of a snake filled with poison.” The penis “is like the head of a snake.” Homosexuals are “dirty dung-eating dogs.” Back in the 1950s, Moon reputedly touted a ritual called “blood separation” in which the Good Reverend graciously purified females’ innately sinful vaginas by sticking his penis in them. After—and only after—Moon cleansed a vagina was it suitable for procreation. These days, even though he’s one-half of the Messiah, it’s nigh impossible to purify all the vaginas that need cleansing, so he holds inconceivably large mass weddings (450,000 couples at one shot in the year 2000) and enjoins them to follow, without faltering, a hilariously elaborate marital sex ritual. During the “Holy Wine Ceremony,” couples purportedly drink a severely diluted concoction containing trace elements of Moon’s actual blood (said to be two drops per hundred gallons). They must ceremonially beat each others’ asses three times with a stick. Their first series of couplings must take place in front of a photo of Moon and his wife. Their post-coital fluids from the initial encounter—during which “insertion must be accomplished”—have to be wiped onto a pair of “Holy Handkerchiefs” and stored for safekeeping without ever being laundered;
Reverend Moon, wherever you are, we’re simultaneously glad to have enjoyed the lifetime of entertainment you have provided us as well as the fact that you’re dead. Really, it was enough, and to be frank, living 92 years was a bit selfish of you. But shine on anyway, you crazy slopehead!