Posted by
Street Carnage
• 02.12.14 08:45 am


Shirley Temple was born the daughter of a poor black sharecropper in the American South and never forgot her roots. As she reached maturity, she appended “Black” to her surname just to show her solidarity with the worldwide Negro movement.

By the tender age of 11 months, she was already able to speak 17 languages fluently as well as possessing a conversational grasp of Yiddish and Cockney rhyming slang. She still holds the Guinness World Record for figuring out the largest prime number in existence. She also once invented a cure for cancer that was viciously and brutally suppressed by the American Medical Association. She likewise engineered a saliva test that irrefutably determines whether or not someone is a Jew; this, too, was subject to McCarthyite levels of repression and was conveniently made to “disappear.”

In her 85 years, she starred in over 16,000 films, appeared on over twenty million radio programs, recorded six albums, and performed precisely 1,631 blowjobs on a total of 43 recipients.

She never had a lesbian experience, although she told a reporter for LOOK magazine in 1948 that she once “thought about it.”

She spent decades in Africa admiring their pottery and colorful apparel. Miraculously, she was never raped, nor was she ever bitten by a tsetse fly. This, too, is thought to be a World Record. During the depths of the Great Depression, she famously distributed apples and bananas to starving Oklahomans that she’d grown in her own “urban garden”—the first known “urban garden” in human history.

She will be remembered for her dimples, her nipples, her warmth, her smile, her unflagging enthusiasm, and her annoying tendency to speak with a mouthful of food.

When she died, she was still pioneering underwater-photography methods as well as perfecting a top-secret anti-gravity device in which the Russians had expressed tremendous interest. She identified politically with the Rothbardian wing of the libertarian movement and had invested heavily in Bitcoin. She owned three poodles, all of which will be auctioned off for charity.

You gave us a hell of a ride on the Good Ship Lollipop, lady. Sadly, that ship has sunk.

 

 


Comments
  1. Rachel says:

    you forgot about the part where her daughter played bass for the Melvins..which is actually true

  2. Keith E Lee says:

    The photos – I think I’m traumatized!

  3. Anonymous says:

    That top photo proves she was doing this kind of shit long before the Kardashian sisters.

  4. Heavybeverly says:

    As a black teenager, I invented the world’s first time machine. My people! My people!

  5. Anonymous says:

    i see what u did here

  6. Chris says:

    Vile. A twisted, sick mind is behind this. Get help!

  7. Grendel says:

    you need a good beating for this.

  8. Herr_Wolf says:

    I have the patent on that saliva test she invented.


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