In June, a regional court in Germany ruled that male circumcision amounted to causing bodily harm to a child, and the practice should therefore be banned.
It’s obviously really important to Jews that the foreskin must be snipped, but only God knows why. Literally. God is the only one who knows why it’s so important.
The Hebrew Bible is very clear that God wants men to be circumcised, but it’s not clear exactly why, except that it’s supposed to be a covenant betwixt Jews and him. You’d think an omniscient and omnipotent being wouldn’t require a covenant like that, but that’s Yahweh for you. And as usual, his followers does as the old bastard says, never asking why the hell he couldn’t just settle with a handshake.
Blind faith is so infuriating.
I suggest that if Jews or any other religious people want to practice circumcision in countries where it’s not normal, they should first offer a good explanation as to exactly why God wants men to be sans foreskin—an explanation that holds in court, thank you, because the one in the Bible just makes God look like a sadistic fucking idiot.
I realize that the majority of the guys reading this are probably circumcised, and you will probably go on to have your own children circumcised, whether for religious reasons or because…OK, I have no idea at all why so many Americans choose to circumcise their children without religion being a driving factor.
But I’m not judging any of you.
Well, OK, maybe a little.
I think you’re all crazy.
I’m opposed to circumcising children, partly because I think it’s an idiotic and unnecessary ritual from the Stupid Ages, but also for a more personal reason:
When I was a beautiful fair-haired little angel, about six years old I guess, I was standing in front of the toilet, tiny six-year-old penis in hand and emptying myself into the bowl, probably with a silly grin on my little face, quite unaware of the horrors that would happen just seconds later.
After all these years, I can’t remember why I didn’t wear any underwear that day. I’ve awakened in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat, screaming ”Why?! Oh Lord, Why didn’t I wear underwear that day?!” but to no use. It’s lost to me.
What happened that day, gentlemen, after I’d finished doing that age-old magic trick of turning the blue water green, was that I placed my tiny innocent penis back into my pants and proceeded to pull up the zipper.
I’m sure that you, the readers of Street Carnage―sharp as tacks and knowledgeable in the ways of the world that you are―know what happened next: I got my foreskin caught in the zipper.
How I howled, my friends! Oh, how I cried to the heavens above! All the torments of hell can’t compare to that feeling.
After regaining myself a bit, I managed to pull the zipper down and free myself from the zipper’s hungry metal teeth. My foreskin was a bloody mess and I had learned how sensitive that flappy little piece of skin is.
If a circumcision is more painful than getting your foreskin caught in the zipper―which it is!―then it is madness to let an infant go through it.
According to the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia, The prepuce is composed of an outer skin and an inner mucosa that is rich in specialized sensory nerve endings and erogenous tissue.
No kidding, Doc! I learned that the hard way.
The same paper goes on to say: Circumcision is painful, and puts the patient at risk for complications ranging from minor, as in mild local infections, to more serious such as injury to the penis, meatal stenosis, urinary retention, urinary tract infection and rarely, even hemorrhage leading to death.