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Clement Weather
• 02.20.12 01:00 am

As far as serial-killer nicknames go, “Speed Freak Killer” isn’t bad at all. It’s half-exciting, actually.

So when I saw the following screaming headline in the always-screaming London Daily Mail, I thought I should investigate:

Speed Freak Killer’ reveals there are even MORE secret burial sites of murder victims in bizarre letter sent to TV station (which ends ‘Have a nice day’)

I consider myself a heterosexual male (except for that one time in college), but my first reaction when I saw a picture of the “Speed Freak Killer”—actually, he’s one of a duo known as the “Speed Freak Killers”—my first reaction was, “My, my, what an astoundingly unattractive man.”

It was also my second reaction:

He looks like a gay walrus with diabetes.

His name is Wesley Howard Shermantine, Jr., and his crimes sound far more exciting than his face:

California investigators believe this lethal pair of speed freaks may have killed as many as 20 people, disposing of their bodies in mine shafts, remote hill sides and buried underneath a trailer park. Over the years Shermantine told relatives and acquaintances he had “made people disappear” around the outskirts of Stockton. In a confrontation with one woman in a trailer park, Testa said, Shermantine told her: “Listen to the heartbeats of people I’ve buried here. Listen to the heartbeats of families I’ve buried here.”

Thankfully, his partner in the Speed Freak Killings, Loren Joseph Herzog, is far easier on the eyes:

See, if someone’s going to be a serial killer, at the very least I think they ought to be somewhat presentable.

Ted Bundy’s actions may have been objectionable (if you’re really uptight), but who can complain about his friendly, easygoing, all-American looks?

Or if you’re more of a rocker than a prep, Richard Ramirez is the Robert Plant of serial killers:

Is it wrong to expect one’s serial killers to be a little more visually appealing? I don’t think so. I think it’s the least we should expect from them. Wouldn’t you rather have the last face you see be a handsome one?

—CLEMENT WEATHER


Comments
  1. miss Universe says:

    Ugh I was just about to go to sleep and now I have to read the wikipedia page of Potemkin to bore away the scary images this post put in my brain

  2. kurt no-brain says:

    “I’m a straight male…”

    riiiiiiight

  3. your mom says:

    Ted Bundy looks exactly like Jason Lee.

  4. man says:

    I want the last thing I see to be Loren Joseph Herzog’s sweet chest piece

  5. busted says:

    Yes.


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