Posted by
John Pittsley
• 11.07.17 06:54 pm

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I am blown away by how hard it is for people when they start a job. Not just a new career or field of work but any new place of employment seems to be difficult for countless retards. Maybe it’s dealing with a new atmosphere or getting to know new people but there’s just something about starting a new job that plenty of folks find stressful as fuck.

I can see how it might be a little annoying for some, when they’re starting out at a new place. Finding yourself further down the totem pole and trying to gain the respect of your peers can be a bit of a pain in the ass. Especially when you’re trying to figure out who the assholes are and who you can trust. The fact they hired you in the first place should be reassuring enough to put your mind at ease, when it comes to whether or not they actually want you there. But if you’re still having a hard time with the transitioning process you can follow these five simple tricks and you’ll be golden.

1.) Show Up Late

This is especially helpful in the service industry. Mostly because the retards who tend to manage in it give their employees varying work schedules. They won’t just change their employees off days, they’ll change the times they’re supposed to show up at. Some places have four different shifts: an opening, lunch, late, and closing shift. If you don’t like a specific one, make a habit of showing up 5 or 6 minutes late for it. Don’t go nuts and continue to show up 30-45 minutes late, just make them sweat a little bit. Eventually, they won’t care about your tardiness but if you throw in a special day where you’re an hour late for it, they’ll finally say “fuck it” and make sure to never give you that shift again. It really helps if you’re perfectly on time or even early for the type of shift you like.

2.) Forget People’s Names

All you’re trying to do here is show people who’s boss and get them to try to be cool with you, not the other way around. It’s like when you see an incredibly hot chick you want to bang. You don’t run up to her, shower her with compliments, and beg her to go home with you. You barely pay her any attention and pretend you couldn’t give a shit what she does. Pretending to not know people’s names is the exact same thing.

When you start out at a place you get introduced to just about everyone who actually matters. Some of these people will try to help you get a lay of the land while others will go so far as try to be your buddy. Usually, a new hire would reciprocate or at least put some effort in and try to remember the particularly helpful ones’ names. You should only do that if you don’t want someone to be your little bitch though. Constantly forgetting some timid schmuck’s name will make them start to wonder why they aren’t memorable and they’ll start doing shit to change that, like giving you a hand when you’re busy or pick up a shift you don’t want.

3.) Randomly Don’t Show Up or Call in Sick Just About Every Other Week

This one is basically the same as the first, only a little more intense. Obviously, because you’re skipping out on the whole fucking day instead of just showing up a bit late. It can be a lot harder too because a lot of places require a doctor’s note after a certain number of “sick days” within a specific amount of time. But you can get around all that by coming up with some ridiculous sob story and telling your coworkers you have all this crazy shit going on in your life. Doing this not only helps lighten the workload, because the sensitive retards want to help alleviate all the stress you’re dealing with, it helps with the babes.

Right when the chicks hear you’re dealing with some heavy shit, their motherly instincts kick in and they’ll try to make life a little more pleasant for you in any small way they can. That could be anything from driving you home from work, taking you out for a drink, or giving you a hand-job. Whatever it may be, they’ll help.

4.) Ignore People

Getting stuck with a butt-ton of work is one of the shittiest things about a crappy job. Pretending you’re hard of hearing is a great way to avoid that, especially if you’re already doing something. If you’re in the middle of a task and someone starts calling out your name, pretend you don’t hear them. If it’s really that important they’ll come all the way up to you and tap you on the shoulder. They’ll start to think twice about giving you more shit to do if it becomes a pain in the ass for them.

5.) Pretend to Understand Spanish

Claiming to speak Spanish on a resume or job application probably isn’t all that great of an idea, especially if you don’t really understand it. Making the Spanish speakers think you understand them is a different story. You don’t even need to say anything in Spanish to pull this off. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. All you have to do is say “what!?” whenever they’re speaking Spanish to each other and walk off while shaking your head. If they try to speak to you in Spanish just say “no, no, no” while wagging your finger at them and walk away.

All of these tricks probably sound like a bad idea but when done properly, they make life a hell of a lot easier. Some of them can also put you on the chopping block quick. But if that happens, who gives a fuck? That place probably sucked anyways.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. GoMovies says:

    Starting a new job can be really stressful!


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