Posted by
Jim Goad
• 08.31.12 09:00 am


I’m very mad at Hurricane Isaac because it didn’t destroy more of Florida this week.

This oozing herpes sore of a state, this endlessly looping Möbius strip mall, this sun-murdered stucco nightmare, is comprised only of geriatrics on painkillers and retarded gangsta thugs who rob the geriatrics of their painkillers. Why is everyone in pain? Because they live in Florida.

Everything in Florida tastes of roach spray and stinks of cancer. This flat shit-swamp suffers the same transient sort of cultural vacuum as Southern California because nearly everyone was born somewhere else and then made the ill-informed decision to flee there and embark upon an idle life of petty crime and eating one another’s faces. It is rootless and soulless. Florida is Southern California with insects.

Palmetto bugs,” those giant flying roaches, those repugnant creatures whose very existence proves there is no God, feel perfectly at home in Florida. So does the human insect Casey Anthony and millions of party-retardy sunburned human shitstains.

This woman is proud of Florida, and Florida is proud of this woman:

Oh, did I mention they have oranges? In case I didn’t, yeah, they have oranges. But you can get those anywhere.

Let’s feed Florida back to the gators, one resident at a time.

 

—JIM GOAD

 

 


Comments
  1. raymes says:

    I get shitbag comments out of Floriduh. Trapped in sunny hell much.

  2. Skunky says:

    Florida would be better with more Jim Goads…but he’d never want that or want to save the state so it’s a moot point.

    This column made me smile!

  3. the honorable Mr. Scott Lee Martin D.D.S. says:

    Florida can be rad, I’ve had killer times there. hating states is really cool though. I’m going to start hating uhhh… uh… ummm… Virginia. look at me! ol’ Virginia hatin’ me!!! WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

  4. Hamlet's Ghost says:

    When I used to watch “Cops” on TV, it seemed that half of all episodes were somewhere in Florida.It seems if you walk more than 10 minutes in a straight line anywhere in Florida, you end up in a “bad” part of town, which you find out from you hospital bed two days later.

  5. Manolo says:

    I wish ~85% of the people here would leave.
    And if everyone who wasn’t born here left it would be just that.

  6. booty says:

    I’m from Florida…but I did move away for better opportunities sooooooooooooooooo :/

  7. Beef says:

    “geriatrics on painkillers and retarded gangsta thugs” Sounds like Brooklyn, which is a better place to watch burn.

  8. Pup Snup says:

    you always hear about the oranges being good and you see them being bigger in those red mesh bags but then they’re like not at all

  9. Johnny says:

    You forgot about the chain smoking frenchies from quebec that flock there in sandles and black socks to air out their sagging balls in fleur de lis speedos … It also sucks because of them.

  10. ReadedIt says:

    As a Florida-raised escapee, I am offended by your positive portrayal of Florida; it’s much worse than you’ve described.

  11. Greater Gator says:

    We be proud of clorine brown. As you can see she can be axed anything about the florida gator and she nos what it are you be talkin bout. Her daughter done got caught takin a Marsaydees Beens and clorine bee caught axing Jacksonville to fix her house after the storm what came through. They sho bee a talented family

  12. Anonymous says:

    fucktards- you are obviously too poor to live anywhere nice

  13. lois says:

    I hate EVERYTHING about florida.1-weather 2 no seasons 3-the law and police 4-prices 5-peoples attitudes especially about other states 6-who ever said this is paradise is either crazy,on drugs or just dont know any better 7-trying to get GOOD medical help is almost impossible unless you have money of course 8-everything about this centers on money 9-the news anchors dont know what theyre talking about and they LIE a lot. This state is like quicksand-once you get in its almost impossible to get out.I would give anything to get out of here but i am unemployed and cant right now.Anyone who feels the same way I do contact me at loisperkins714@yahoo.com or 941-916-1824.My name is Lois. bye


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