Posted by
Mike Eide
• 10.21.09 10:00 am


Look at this adorable picture. This is how far ahead the next-next generation is in beer drinking: Two-year-olds drink better beer than you do.

Look at this adorable picture. This is how far ahead the next-next generation is in beer drinking: Two-year-olds drink better beer than you do. Wake the fuck up.

You know what I saw the other night? I saw a dude all hipsti-boushed out, schmoozing like he means something, with a goddamn iPhone in one hand and a Pabst in the other.

Wait now — what’s the go-to excuse? You’re broke?

I am completely clueless as to why so many people drink that swill. Don’t you realize its not worth buying, even after finding one complete empty and two halfies in a 12 pack at Keyfood? The beer is so shit their cans are made out of paper. Also, it’s made from rice and pee pee, and tastes like tin.

“I’ll blow my money on overblown rent and G3 phone bills, but save some money where it really matters.”

That’s right, I said it: Where. It. Really. Matters.

Wikipedia drops a better dime than I do, but a quick run through will show you that beer unites us all. More so than wine, not as much as football, and not nearly as much as poop. It is the drink of the common folk, the everyday sucker, me & you, the working class(!!!). I’ve been in mega-hyper-rich, eyes-wide-shut penthouses and found Coors Light in the fridge. Coors fucking Light! The rich have zero taste; that’s why they plaster their walls with art that has been suffered over, hire other people to dress them, and collect bottles of wine that are worth more than my savings account — because they are out of touch.

I had a Danish/Norwegian beer the other week that was one of the finest I’ve ever tasted. Scandinavians are well known coffee drinkers, and this beer is made from this crazy coffee that comes from cat shit. It’s the most expensive coffee ever, or some crap. Where did I find it? On a working goon street. I’m not trying to get snobbish or uppity either. There are guys who nerd the fuck out and spend their evenings discussing Gravity and ABV while letting dogs drink out of their own pint glasses — all while drinking beers called Triplenipple-Duffenbock or some shit. I’m not saying you have to take it to the next level. I’m just asking you to find a beer which is not made by any major brewery and maybe enjoy what true beer tastes like.

Please start off with Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, Lagunitas, or Brooklyn — Yuengling at the very least. If you can’t find this stuff, well congratulations, you live in the sticks. I have cousins down in Delaware that are country as fuck but can still lay their hands on some Dogfish Head. These are beers made so honestly and with such quality basic ingredients, that bubbles pop at the top of the bottle after you take a swig, and you can even drink your girlfriend’s sandbags for breakfast the morning after. That’s what I call oatmeal! (Women, please drink beer; we love it and you.)

I wrote a beer piece on Street Carnage before and I don’t give a flying fuck about my dumb fucking writing. [UPDATE: If you are still iffy about that technique, add a napkin and straw and you are ghost.] I care about us! I care about BEER!!! Fuck the rich man! I only care about drinking a beverage made by some came-from-nothing dude like me, who sweated over and in it (sort of). I care about beer so filling and lights me up so well I quote Henry Miller, start kicking outlandish game to blonde nines and tens and actually succeed, or makes me wanna create some ridiculous horseshit or some superfluous spiel like this.

Save cheap beer for camping, shooting guns, and/or watching football games with your pops. (I suggest Genny Cream Ale because it paradoxically tastes the best and yet gives you the worst hangover.) Unless you’ve searched the entire county and still can’t find anything better than Bud Lime, you have no excuse.

-MIKE EIDE

P.S. Bud Lime is kinda good.


Comments
  1. omg sooo randum says:

    a few things:

    1) made me laugh – good article – BUT:
    2) bud lime SUCKS – american beer is all crap – they even sell canadian beers like kokanee and canadian, and because they actually brew it down there, they still manage to fuck it up
    3) canadian beer is far superior that even america’s micro brewerys – g’head, try to refute this without resorting to ‘oh yea? well ___________ (some other thing about canada) sucks!’
    4) european beer is far superior than canadian beer – seriously, anything you get in england is called a ‘sandwich in a glass’ cause it fills the belly and gets ya tipsy. I knew you knew fuck all about beer as soon as you mentioned bubbles – beer aint supposed to have a shitload of bubbles mufucka! real beer should be pumped old timey museum style from a keg in the basement, fuck carbonation
    5) overall however, your advice of ‘spend a bit more and get decent beer’ is a good life motto – i dont understand the people at the liquor store (yes canada has liquor stores that we have to get our booze from, yes this sucks but no this does not make yankee beer taste better) who see that ‘caribou beer’ is only 7.50, and wont spend the extra twoonie to get a pack of something that doesnt taste like urine..

    just sayin

  2. FITHERS says:

    GET FUCKED

  3. Sir Fagsalot says:

    I actually like Coor’s Light

    Also, who the fuck hasn’t tried those beers you mention at the end. You forgot to mention that the yeast in Sierra Neveda will give you the horror shits if you don’t pour it in a glass.

    Long live shit beer!

  4. buffalowinger says:

    quantity over quality fool.

  5. Spud Gun says:

    I think I’m done with beer. I like a nice country ale (from England) but red wine is the real shizzle. But you have to graduate to that stuff.

    (Carling, Fosters and Red Stripe can all get fucked. 1664, Grolsch and Doom Bar (far too rare) are for real men. And Guinness Foreign Export if you need to get blasted real quick.)

  6. Mike E says:

    @ omg

    don’t worry dude, i like cask beer the best.

  7. Treetop says:

    Drink liquor.

  8. Big H says:

    WTF? Is the Campaign For Real Ale targeting streetcarnage readers now?

    Beer geeks are in the same league as car geeks. Noone gives a fuck about microbreweries & shit.

  9. With Due Respect, Idiot says:

    Dearest OMG,

    I usually resist the urge to respond to stupid comments on the internet, but ask any brewer or serious beer geek and you’ll discover that no matter which country that expert is in, the general consensus is that the country that produces by far largest range of high quality brew is the United States. It’s a relatively new title, you may be in shock, but you can’t find the diversity of great beers that you would find in a really well stocked store or beer geek bar here anywhere else in the world. We are producing old world styles that basically no longer existed in the countries of their origin and constantly experimenting moving things forward. I’m not saying that other countries don’t produce excellent beers because nothing could be further from the truth, but in places like Germany you will find a lot of excellent regional beers rather than a diverse amount of unique brews from all over the country. Please, bash us over anything else, but this is one irrefutable title.

    Also, don’t refer to Budweiser or Miller as American beer – that rice based swill was born out of malt shortages from rationing during the world wars and people in the United States forgetting what beer tasted like due to prohibition. The biggest American owned breweries are Sam Adams and Yuengling.

    – A Person Who Finally Gave Into The Urge To Argue On The Internet

  10. With Due Respect, Idiot says:

    Big H, eat a dick salad with cum dressing and die.

    Love,
    The Person From The Above Comment

  11. Bat-room says:

    Bud lime is shit. And American craft brewers put Canada’s to shame. Except for the Granville Island beer, but you can only get that on the west coast. Thankfully you can now get Dogfish head in the lcbo.

  12. chikin bone nowison says:

    drank joose! get buck!

  13. Voigtlander says:

    Drink local or cheap or both.

  14. lol@u says:

    I agree. I hate to sound like a snob, but fuck, like, good beer is just the best luxury available in this life.

    OH FUCK! i didn’t totally hate Bud Lime either the one time i drank it. Cheap beer certainly has its place (especially if it’s Genny Cream… I went to a wedding where that was THE brew on hand); it’s good first-of-the-month filler.

    As far as the England/Canada thing, get fucked. English beer is too far away and anyone who thinks Canadian beer is better than American microbrews simply does not know what they’re talking about. Moosehead, asshole? Eat shit and die.

  15. Rough says:

    hear hear

  16. Princess Pr0n says:

    I see a few Ontarians here trying to speak for Canada. Poor Herberts gotta buy their beer from a government liquor store ‘stead of on the corner like all else in the world. It’s not their fault they haven’t heard of the great local beer coming out of Quebec (also a part of Canada, by the way), ’cause the government regulates what they’re allowed to consume. Too bad!! :(

  17. JuCIFER says:

    THANK YOU.
    Fucking “Nascar Beer” sucks, it’s all flavorless bubble water. Michelob, Bud, Coors…. All the same taste. like comparing beige to tan.
    I’ll take a Chimay or Guinness in a proper glass anytime.

  18. JuCIFER says:

    Oh and THANK YOU CANADA for Maudite.
    C’est Super, en!

  19. plotte en vrac says:

    Fuck beer – do drugs.

  20. JuCIFER says:

    Drugs are good too.

  21. just a cunt hair away says:

    didn’t read it all, didn’t have to- saw the PS, and realized you like sucking dicks too.

  22. Steve says:

    @Bat-room – Granville Island is GARBAGE

  23. Snake. says:

    Granville Island is what we buy in Van when we’re physically on Granville Island and it’s our only choice. It’s gross.

    This is the dumbest fucking post I’ve seen on here. I spend shitloads of money on lots of stupid shit. I just HAPPEN to ENJOY Pabst. I also like Bud and Old Style Pilsner. Garbage beer happens to taste GOOD to me. So why would I spend extra money on some micro brew shit that may be of a higher quality, but to me, actually tastes worse?

    Fucker.

  24. Uncle Josh says:

    Americans have better beer. There are hundreds of Microbreweries and unlike in Ontario they don’t have to worry about selling in the franchises owned by InBev and Molson-Coors. The only one that seems to thrive is Steamwhistle, and like most things Canadian it prospers because it is dull and unrefined. Quebec has some of the best beer but apparently no one has figured out how to get past the Lachine rapids.

    Try getting beer in Toronto on a Sunday night past 6 pm. There are party stores here, but all they sell is clown makeup and paper plates. You will end up going to some bar where you will pay $6.50 for an Amsterdam Blonde that tastes like it came out of a prostate gland.

    Bud Lime is for girls and ginos who don’t want to pay Corona prices.

  25. beer farts says:

    True enough-in Ontario you can get beer on Monday’s Friday’s and alternate Saturday’s and then only if you know the secret handshake. It’s pretty chill in the rest of the country though-in Alberta you can get beer at 3AM on Christmas day and there are two liquor stores per block mandatory. Even in BC where they still got the monopoly off-sales solves the dilemma.

    Anyhow, the thing about being an alcohol snob is that the whole idea is rendered irrelevant after beer number 3. Beer 1-“that’s pretty tasty” Beer 2- “Still tastes mostly like above average beer” Beer 3-“my mouth is kind of pasty, I can’t taste a thing, let’s keep this buzz going.”

    Being honest here this website doesn’t exist without hipsters who like PBR and coke. (I know, chicken and egg thing there)Coke would have been a way better contrast than Iphone. You mean you’re putting $50 up your nose but drinking beer worth 30 cents a can? But again, coke continues to be coke after the 3rd line (a little too much so) but no matter what I choose to drink it’s going to taste pretty much the same after the second one. So for the first beer, or on the rare occasions that 2 beers doesn’t lead to 12-maybe it’s worth the extra $$$. Who are we kidding though? We’re here to party.

  26. lol@u says:

    lol bud lime? that doesn’t even have real lime in it. it tastes like a cat took a piss in a bottle.

  27. nope says:

    Drink Yuengling.

    Regarding Bud Lime:
    My Dad (upon seeing a Bud Lime commercial): Why would anyone want lime in their beer?
    Me: I guess some people like it. Some people put lime in their beers, like Corona.
    My Dad: I can’t imagine a MAN drinking a beer with fruit in it. Is it made for women?

  28. Snake. says:

    I used to be like you, Mike. I would only buy “my brand”. If it wasn’t “my brand”, I wasn’t “happy.” This state of mind meant I became what I like to call “a pain in the ass.” I was the type of guy who had to go to multiple liquor stores. I couldn’t drink coffee at the cheap greasy spoon, I had to go to the all-organic-wheatgrass-hippie-commune-coffee shop where they had all natural organic coffee and I paid twice as much and waited twice as long. Which meant constantly trying to catch up with my friends.

    But then something changed. I lost my cell phone to an ex-girlfriend who left me, and I stopped giving a shit! I was broke as shit and lazy as fuck and I didn’t replace that phone for a couple months. Putting myself through this kind of inconvenience changed my entire point of view. This may seem backwards at first, as inconveniencing myself and others to suitably meet my consumption needs was my thing, right? But this kind of inconvenience was not my choice! And it was such a giant pain in the ass that my only choice in dealing with it was to simply stop giving a fuck.

    I ended up looking at everything differently. The shit coffee and the shit breakfast at Reno’s on Broadway tastes like fucking GOLD to me now, AND they have 3.50 SHIT beer AND a jukebox filled with Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Travelling Wilburys (shit music). And it’s a lot more fun than I ever had at the Granola Fucking Weird Yam Breakfast place. I can smoke any cigarette that anyone is nice enough to give me, and the beer is all. Fucking. Good. Now, shit is more expensive up here in Canada, and British Columbia itself is more expensive than most of the rest of Canada, but scraping together nine bucks for a six of Pabst ain’t hard to do, and it gets you drunk. THAT’s really the point to remember here. Shit coffee wakes you up. Shit food fills you up. Shit beer gets you drunk. The Wilburys somewhat rock you out.

    That’s pretty much that. Shitty shit is fucking good. Liking shitty fucking shit makes life easy. And nobody likes a fucking know-it-all. And everyone hates a fucking snob.

  29. Carl says:

    @with due respect
    Right on.

    Gotta give my own props to Belgium too. One day when I’m a Trillionare I will have a swimming pool filled with Saison Dupont.

  30. MaltLikkaSippa says:

    country club is where its at. that and colt 45. in the end who gives a shit what you drink. ive had it all, and i stick to whats cheap. why? because its fucking cheap! get yourself some beams eight star and get fucked.

  31. Mike E says:

    Relax folks, I’m not looking down, I’m just suggesting to try new things. btw,PS Bud Lime was a joke, I thought that was a bit obvious.

  32. Satan Davis Jr. says:

    PBR = Pussy BeeR

  33. Dork says:

    Even in the sticks there are a few decent microbreweries. Where I live (the prong in the buckle of the motherfucking bible-belt) there are probably 20 to 30 really good breweries. I even have a lot of friends who brew up huge batches of their own recipe.

    That said, cheap beer has its place, and I will drink the hell out of it, but PBR will make me puke like nothing else.

  34. no. thanks. says:

    i see what you did right there.

    the thing is……sometimes you are not looking to getting ripped, fucked up, torn out of your frame off of beer. Shit, I love a tall glass of IPA (recommend double daddy or torpedo. a few of those and you wont be able to stand up straight), but sometimes you just want to drink beer and talk shit to your homies. you cant do that when you are trying to stay crisp because the amazing beer yer drinking is turning your brain sideways.

  35. @Snake says:

    Why did you bother writing all that when you could have just written, “I am a faggot that drinks PBR and rocks an IPhone because I am a silly faggot.”
    Also people need to start drinking some good German Weissbier (and not American iterations of it because those suck balls).

  36. Mike E says:

    @no.thanks.

    i agree with you. that’s why cheap beer is good when shooting guns (and I mean shooting skeet or trap when I write this). i drink Genny Cream and love that shit.

  37. Eddy 209 says:

    I live in France, next to belgium and I drink beer Which is nearly as good as sex ! But I know something : all thoses marvellous beers are FAKE because they were better before I was born (1980). The american way of death had exported so much shit shit here : the way those beers are made are now american and turned them into “pictures” of beers.

  38. Niggy Smallz says:

    Yeah, I get really mad when I see people drinking cheap beer too. In fact, me and all the other nancy-boys at the gay bar only drink “Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, Lagunitas, or Brooklyn — Yuengling at the very least.”

    P.S. What the fuck is Yuengling? Does KIA make luxury beer now?

  39. ivan. says:

    10 dollar 18 packs of rolling rock. the. best.

  40. @@Snake. says:

    Because I don’t have an iPhone! I buy ghetto!

  41. @@Snake. says:

    And it’s not gay if you’re drunk.

  42. stoops says:

    the best drink is red wine with a little mdma sprinkled on top.

    the best thing to come in a pint glass is warm guinness.

    my 2 cents.

  43. hammy says:

    happy oktoberfest, bitches!

  44. Radtooth says:

    I dont wanna get all health-nut on you guys, but sierra nevada has like 200 calories per 12 oz.

    (p.s. that shit tastes like ass)

  45. Vane$$a says:

    Isn’t all beer for pussies? I mean, I couldn’t get buzzed off a six pack right now if you pounded me over the head with a baseball bat as I drank it. It’s about as heady as some old lady’s snatch.

  46. Joe Queer says:

    Hey, you motherfucker, I only drink Bud!! Oi vey! Hey, you motherfucker, I only drink Bud!

  47. clit juice says:

    Dogfish Head, Belgian farm house ales and Russian micro brews.
    Do it right, neophytes.

  48. dingo says:

    mill street or death

  49. Ted Dancin' says:

    I’m kinda broke so I’ll drink whatevs. Last night my corner store had 18 packs of coors for 9.99. If I’m throwing a party or some shit I’ll try to be a good host and get great beers though. :)

  50. KUNTZ says:

    anyone for umbrella drinks?

  51. Kanye West Berlin says:

    Mississippi Mud.

  52. Mike says:

    I was at a bar last week-end with some friends and we overheard a girl say, ‘I don’t really like beer, but I like Bud Light!’ That about says it all.

  53. poopsmear says:

    Maybe some people just like swill, asshole. I personally love to drink Pabst, High Life, Busch, even Budweiser. It goes down easy and gets me drunk. I don’t like bitter beers and I also like cheap bourbon. do you have a problem with that too? Fuck off!

  54. teenagewizard says:

    beer with dinner should be high qual, drinking beer and getting totally fuckt should be low qual so you don’t feel as bad when u puke it up

  55. Beef says:

    PBR ain’t bad for the price and Brooklyn Shitcunt is too awful for the price. Their Lager isn’t even Lager. Stick to Yuengling and boo hoo about something else.

  56. HOMO™ says:

    brooklyn lager tastes like sand that’s been pooped in.

  57. lagerlout says:

    Lagers, regardless of origin, are almost universally terrible.

  58. Vane$$a says:

    I love how marketing “geniuses” have managed to turn piss water like Yuengling into something desirable. Unbelievable how they can bend minds to bend taste. I bet if they put PBR into a green bottle with a Euro looking label you could sell it for $15 a 6 pack.

  59. Giggles says:

    High Life and Hornitos or Wild Turkey.

  60. alex says:

    Beer nerds are the fucking worst. If you’re drinking a beer you’re probably drinking 12 of them anyway so who cares what the first 3 taste like.

  61. Cheezebottoms says:

    Jesus Christ you guys are fags. Do you drink Blue Moon with an orange too? And what’s with this Sam Adam’s shit? You might as well be drinking wine coolers.

    Kostriker
    Guiness
    Boddingtons
    Tecate with salt
    Anchor Steam

  62. jugalug says:

    i didnt actually read this, but just had to say that the little girl is so cute.

  63. Mr Poopyface says:

    I don’t like hops. Until breweries stop their years-long hop pissing contest, I’ll stick to cheap shit that I do actually enjoy, thanks. Let’s hope that Lagunitas Hop Stoopid [sic] was the peak.

  64. BB says:

    I only drink Tilt. Cause I like to drunkenly tilt.

  65. mel says:

    it all tastes the same coming back up anyway.

    except beck’s. that shit is awesome

  66. is this really so important? says:

    In Italy, which isn’t beer country exactly but still, they like Budweiser because its imported and different from what they make there and get from their neighbors. So taste is pretty relative.


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