Posted by
John Pittsley
• 05.01.17 02:42 pm

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It looks like there’s a growing fascination and importance being put on garbage. Wherever you look, there’s always some company bragging about how much trash they use to make their products or what they’ll be doing with rubbish next. Even local governments are getting in on the action and hitting residents with insane fines for not sorting through their garbage before it gets picked up and sent off to the dump. This may not seem like all too big of a deal in the suburbs or anywhere that’s supposed to look nice but in the city, it’s a bit overkill.

You would think dealing with trash in a responsible manner wouldn’t be all too big of a deal in the city but it’s just going too far. People already have hard enough of a time with the crappy parts of town getting nicer. It doesn’t matter how new they are to the city or how responsible they are for it, almost everyone in the city hates gentrification. Some say they don’t like the idea of a shithole getting less shitty because it forces the less fortunate out of their homes but I get the idea it’s because it makes the city feel less like the city. This could all be avoided however if people stopped caring so much about garbage or littering and realized it’s one of the things that makes the city great.

One of the best ways for a person in the city to go about littering is to just leave their useless crap out on the street. It doesn’t matter if it’s a piss-stained couch or broken coffee machine if you live in the city, slapping a “FREE” sign on that sucker and leaving it on the street is a solid move. Some may consider it a shitty way to deal with your unwanted crap but you’re actually helping out others by putting it up for grabs. There are tons of young people moving to the city every day, who work shitty jobs and are looking for cheap ways to furnish their tiny rat holes. Finding a free couch laying out on the street is a major victory for someone just starting out on their own. When you leave a piece of furniture out on the street, it usually sits there for a few days too. That way, if you change your mind, you can always drag it back inside. Helping out some youngsters by clearing some junk out of your apartment is a nice thing to do but if you’re really feeling generous, throwing any ol’ garbage in the gutter is the way to go.

Littering out in nature might be a shitty thing to do, despite the fact there aren’t any trash cans in the middle of the forest, but that’s only because garbage doesn’t grow on trees and throwing trash all over the place kinda ruins the ambiance. Doing it in the city, on the other hand, not only adds to the ambiance it helps the homeless. Sure, it’s sorta lazy to just drop crap on the street and sidewalk when there’s a garbage can on almost every corner but recyclables are like currency to the homeless and they’re always asking for cigarettes too. Forcing them to dig through the garbage for that shit seems a bit cruel. Leaving cans and bottles in the street is like dropping change in their cups and having soggy half-smoked cigarettes on the ground means you don’t have to deal with them as much. They’ll pick up anything though. They push around shopping carts for Christ’s sakes and it’s not just for recyclables. Those things are always filled with random shit, from stuffed animals to single roller skates. It’s not just your average waste that should be lining the streets, though. People should be fine with human filth too.

I know the boss has already covered How To Piss In Public but no one should have to hide that sort of thing. Maybe if there were kids around, I could see why you wouldn’t want to whip out your schlong and end up on some sort of sexual predator list but kids shouldn’t be in the fucking city in the first place. Taking a dump in the street might be taking it a tad bit too far but why would you want to? That’d be more inconvenient than buying a coffee and taking a shit there. Puking isn’t, you should be able to do that where ever you please. If you’ve had too much candy or beer, all you have to do is ram your fingers down your throat and you’re good as new. You’ll probably even be ready for a few more. The ancient Romans used to do that sort of shit and look how they turned out.



  1. OogaBooga says:

    There was a time in my life where I was homeless living out of my car. I made ends meet by recycling my shit in order to stretch out my meals. Since I already had indulged in that kind of appetite in my sex life as a coprophiliac, it wasn’t too much of a stretch to add it to my diet. My problem with going green or actually brown was I was eating crap to begin with. Dumpster diving brings up the bottom of the barrel and it’s usually a fermenting rotting mess by the time I’ve dived in. The good shit you’ll find in the fancy parts of town are the outdoor cafes. It’s not easy to pick in the cans as the cafe’ employees shoo you away and you have to fight other bums for sidewalk rights.
    One day though I found the solution to my shitty diet. I was checking out regular garbage cans in a dog park in a wealthy neighborhood when a whiff of pungent dog poo came wafting out of a dog poop collection container. The rich owners of these dogs religiously deposited their pooches poop in the little plastic bags supplied by the city from those dispensers provided, right into the dog shit containers. Now these Ivy league dogs eat better than most humans and my finally tuned nose could tell these turds were not ordinary street dog variety crap infested with parasites. I waited till just before closing time and quickly unloaded a entire container. A park employee saw me and I thought I was busted, but he gave me a thumbs up as it meant less shitty work for him. I went back to my car and had me some good shit that night. Since then I refined my search for good shit by getting to know which breeds of dogs intestinal tracts flavor my meals best. If that sounds like present tense it is. I may no longer be homeless, but my fondness for dog caviar has only grown. I consider myself a connoisseur of this delicacy on par with truffles as I root around the dog park picking only the most exquisite turds. Oh and yes, as you might have guessed, I now use my dog turds in my sex life as an aphrodisiac. Tell Viagra to look me up.

  2. Spacekook12 says:

    This article is a WASTE of time.
    Eat SHIT OogaBooga.

  3. Comic, The Insult Dog says:

    John Pittsley writing a column about garbage, piss and shit.
    Go to the expert….

  4. Go Urban Young Hipster says:

    Gentrification is the Left’s way of colonizing formerly human habitats that succumbed to Niggerhood. In the name of rehabilitating urban blight, and with the cover of benevolence, white hipsters bring the gospel of aesthetics to the worn down formerly livable facades of yesteryear. The promise of a rising tax base brings the recommendation of the tax appraisers seal of approval to sweep away the garbage, filth, and especially subhuman debris that is the real WASTE of a city’s potential. The shrunken urban inner city no-go zones are then absorbed by the planned AFFH Section 8 injection into suburban whitopia that in a socially just way balance out the invasion and displacement of the undesirables from their former urban jungle by the intrepid hipster explorers. One hand takes, the other hand washes as Pontius Pilate might have put it.

  5. Urban Cowboy says:

    Whip it out like a bullwhip and run right down the middle of Central Park in broad daylight like Moses parting the sea of screaming broads. Fuck convention and damn the torpedoes May day! May day! as I streak right through the heart of civilization’s pasture as an untamed Nature Boy! Yeeehaaaw!

  6. Just Curious says:

    What does Pittsley do for a living? Just curious.

  7. Nature Lover says:

    I took a shit in the woods a few years ago. It was exhilarating; the realization that I may have just shit on the same spot that one of our brave forefathers did as they worked their way across America, settling a nation that was destined for greatness. I’m now working on leaving a scat pile in all 50 states as a legacy to my children and their children!

  8. OogaBooga says:

    ^ Nature Lover, be sure next time to GPS the exact location of your stinking stools. I love hiking in the woods, and if people would log their hot lava coordinates, I’d be willing to pay good money for your ASS droppings. What an excremental exciting new vacation concept – “A Turd Treasure Hunt.” I only wish I had learned as a boy scout *orienteering* by hunting for butt bones with my compass. I learned from my scout masters about ~other~ butt boners for which I’m eternally grateful, so we will have to leave it to the next generation of “progressive” NAMBLA Boy Scout leaders to take the young ones into the woodys searching for butt bones.

  9. Nature Lover says:

    “What an excremental exciting new vacation concept – “A Turd Treasure Hunt.”
    I thought this was what that Pokémon hunt was all about last year.

  10. frank says:

    Public assistance in any form should be contingent on eight hours a week of street cleaning. The streets and subways should be kept spotless by a rotating crew of welfare queens.

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